Zeus you are right! He is giving me time even when I probably do not deserve it! I am reacting! I NEED to change that! It is one thing we talked briefly about in Ic that I likely feel the need to fight and control because I have never had control of my life! My childhood was umm let's stick with horrible as that is appropriate! So I learned to fight to survive! I need to earn to let go now! Totally opposite of what I know! It's so crazy to me that I can detach from my immediate family but not from him or This family! It's very frustrating! Plus I am a redhead so stfu stop arguing play higher cards even though I am not getting them back! I knew this would not be easy but oh my! Ok I promise to keep working! Stfu would be a 180 for me! He always tells me I could argue with a brick wall! Detaching is so much harder living together and practically being together! Grrr im willing to try anything so here goes stfu and do nothing!
It's officiAlly the start of another day! I need to be sleeping but so much to ponder! So many goals running through my head! I need to slow down and focus in one place! Zeus one quick question! Describe research for me in the way you are using it! Do u mean try different things or slow down and really think?
I think more just slowing down. Continuing to journal. Going to IC. Reflecting. Reading other people's threads. Watching or listening to inspirational videos.
All of it should be centered upon emotional and financial independence.
I read that the #1 reason businesses fail is because they don't like marketing. They look at branding, advertising, driving customer traffic as a necessary evil. So the guy that opens a repair shop just wants to do repairs, not necessarily become a marketing expert. But what this article said is that when you go into business for yourself, your business isn't what you think it is (the service you offer), it is MARKETING. You better want to get a PHD in marketing. You better LOVE it. If you look at it as a necessary evil you won't ever grow a big enough customer base to succeed just because you do good work. You must want to spend your life learning the nuances of marketing.
So too with DB. You need to become truly inspired to climb the mountain of emotional independence. You're not ready to climb the mountain. You need to train at the gym, practice climbing techniques, build muscles, read about how others have done it. But it should be an obsession. All day. How would an emotionally mature independent woman handle this? What tools would they use to cope with this adversity? How might they look at this differently? Etc.
You will have to change the way you see yourself and strengthen yourself before you should take any action. That could take a few weeks or a few months. But it isn't time wasted. Just because your external sitch isn't changing doesn't mean you're not progressing. Remember my favorite line:
You don't succeed when you arrive at your goals. You succeed the moment you commit to doing whatever it takes to get there, because that's a commitment only successful people ever make.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Make sure you get a good understanding of detaching. It's frequently misunderstood, but it doesn't mean being distant or cool, rather be on your best behavior (friendly) without expecting anything. From what I read here, I take it to mean detaching from the result, not from the relationship or your partner. It's tricky to do without shutting off emotions, I think, and for me, it's been helpful to think "I will be okay regardless what happens with this relationship."
Also, that you are not responsible for or the cause of his actions or behavior. Have you contributed to the problems the two of you are having? Sure. Did that cause him to have an A, or excuse it? In no way!
Good luck with the savings plan, I think you will feel calmer with every dollar you put away!
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Zeus thanks again. I am on here constantly reading threads. I feel like life has become reading on here and looking at books articles. I am starting on the relationship rescue workbook by dr phil It is also about changing yourself. I am re reading DR. And as soon as I have the 31$ will buy co dependent no more. Hmmmm I will have to put some real thought into how someone mature would handle this situation. I do not think I have been very mature about it at all. How to cope? I have no idea I will have to think on that too. My only way of coping lately has been to get angry and yell not healthy and not helping more of the same behavior. I know a few things I could look at differently one being that I have bought a year of time so far and as long as there is changes and less fighting he would have no reason to make me leave. I need to take real advantage of the gift of time. I need to stop telling H i am going to change and use actions because he has stated many times he does not believe me anyways. I have a good few days/weeks and go back to where I was. I need to spend IC time to focus on co dependency and emotional independence detatchment. I have a lot of work to do but If I continue to backslide there will for sure be no way to save this. So I need to commit fully to this. I need to make changes slowly and journal journal journal. Zeus do you have any specific threads in mind that are similiar to my sitch? otherwise I will just keep going down the line!
I am struggling with understanding detatchment. It is so easy to remain detatched from my family but for whatever reason I am stuck in this and having such a hard time at it. I have read and re read the thread on it. Maybe I just need to find other resources too with information. I think finding it in myself to forgive him fully will help. You know I had this interesting epiphany about a year ago. I had talked to MIL about forgivness and how I had never forgiven him for A's back in HS and 10 years ago. I was driving to work and the thought just litterally popped in my head. I forgave the man who sexually assaulted me for a few years with no problem I still see him around and we talk and he has even hugged me without me feeling anything really yet I could not forgive the man who unconditionally loves me and is always there to pick up the pieces. It seemed so silly. I decided at that moment I forgave the past. I swear I became 100 pounds lighter that day. but I for some reason struggle to forgive him now and let that weight go. It is so crazy to me. I think the lack of forgiveness is holding me back in some ways. I guess more food for thought! Thanks painter! I will keep looking into detatchment.
It would make sense that the forgiveness you felt previously, is harder to find again when there is a new A... (If I got the sequence of events right.) If someone repeats their hurtful behavior, I don't know if it's possible to forgive why they are still doing it.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Well he came straight home from work 4:30 and went to bed! I am making dinner but not sure if I will/should wake him or not! I am getting very frustrated all he does is go out with OW Or sleep all day! O well should not be my worry the girls will grow up and form their own oppinion! Tonight D8 and D4 and I are going to eat dinner and do movie and ice cream in our room tomorrow I have a visitation to attend the. Dinner to make so it's home all day after work! Thursday while he is at fair with OW im taking d8&7 swimming then D8 and I are going with H to races! So busy day! Friday he will go out with OW and I will find something to do with D8! You guys have made me realize that if he can go out all the time so can I i will just be doing things with the kids instea of alone! We are all loving it!
Painter you are right! This is at least the 4th or 5th A he has had on me and he has had A on all of them with me plus a few others! He is serial when it comes to this! You have a point it's not easy to forgive when he is still doing it! Will this A ever end or is it even an A anymore since technically we r broke up but still doing the same things??
so stfu stop arguing play higher cards even though I am not getting them back! I knew this would not be easy but oh my! Ok I promise to keep working! Stfu would be a 180 for me! He always tells me I could argue with a brick wall! Detaching is so much harder living together and practically being together! Grrr im willing to try anything so here goes stfu and do nothing!