I started reading the Divorce Remedy this week and have been looking at this board on and off for a few weeks now. I finished all the chapters with the steps and looking at the other chapters in the back now. This board has been very helpful to me in this time. I am also thinking about calling for coaching even if it just for me.
I'll try to keep this as brief as possible but of course it's a lot and I'm bound to leave things out.
Background - Married 10 years with 1 kid and 2 step kids, she has been sick for 8 of them and with that many surgeries and our roles have shifted dramatically through the years due to her illness and depression. Ups and downs like all couples I know specific thigns where I [censored] up and wish I had done otherwise.
1. This pastyeah in March she had a fairly major procedure to remove hardware that was starting to back out on its own. In mid-April she started talking to someone from her illness support group. I approached her about it because I got a alert from verizon about minutes usage and my gut told me something was wrong. She told me it's no big deal he is just a support group guy and I shouldn't be so jealous. I try to let it drop but was unable it. A few weeks later she freaks out tells me he isn't the problem with our marriage and that our marriage has been floudering for a long time and she views me more of her caretaker than a husband. I felt like I was slapped in the face. 2. At this point I did everything wrong I could have done wrong, I became needy and pushy and did everything just the WRONG way. This didn't turn out well for me in the end, she told me she loved me but wasn't in love with me and all that stuff. 3. May comes around and she says she wants to try to salvage something but isn't sure about going to counseling. I think things are looking up and get my hopes up. Things seem to be going well except she still kept me at arms length despite her saying she was going to try (now I figured out she was getting her emotional needs from that guy). 4. June rolls around and another blow up, once again doesn't love me, unwilling to let me back in, not attracted to me, thinks we should separate. I schedule time to visit my parents with my son as I'm pretty devastated and just need a breather. Meanwhile her behaviour has been increasingly strange for her, goign out 2-3 times a week until 2 AM +...etc where before she might drink once every few months. 5. Go to NY end of June with son, she is back to telling me she loves me at the beginning of the week but by the end of the week she is telling me how she deservers true love and she will be moving out as soon as possible and how she is't attracted to me...etc I try to do what this website says and cut the converation off and dont speak to her for the rest of the time I'm in NY 6. We get home at midnight Friday, Wife isn't home, getting tattoo finished, son wants to wait for her since she said she'd be done soon. Around 1 we call and she says she is finished but her friend showed up and they are having fun. I know my son is hurt by this but try to make up an idea to sleep on sleeping bags with our dog on the floor since we've missed him so much. Ends up comign home around 3 AM and slightly intoxicated (so she drove that way) 7. Tells me she is still looking to move out ASAP and admits to her feelings for this phone guy that lives in florida, I lose it again despite what the books/forums say. Since then I've been doing better, keeping myself busy, using a lot of journals and stuff takign care of the kids fast forward a couple weeks to this weekend. 8. This weekend she says she got a last minute specialist appointment in DC on Friday. I say of course and stay home with the kids. Sunday our youngest ends up with a pretty nasty break of the arm and needs surgery. She is distraught but says she has testing Monday morning and will stay for that first then drive home. I understand but still weird for her since in the past it wouldn't have mattered WTF was Monday...she'd have been at the hospital in a flash. 9. She gets home last night and I go out to help her with her bags, her car looks like it has been scrubbed down clean on the inside. she rushes inside and dumps her dirty clothes out (which all smell like smoke) and only spends a few minutes with out broken arm son before leaving the bedroom to do who knows what. Right now I'm suspicious that she didn't even go to DC but maybe went to FL to see that guy. And if that is true...she ws having so much fun ther she couldn't drive back ASAP to the hospital?
Right now I think the following: 1. Emotional Affair with guy in florida 2. Mid life crisis brought on by her age and also her medical conditions have really affected her. 3. Not sure if EA has turned into physical at this point, just my crazy suspicions.
I know I'm not supposed to think about the Affair and what the spouse is doign with them but IT IS FREAKING HARD. This past weekend our son went into surgery and she didn't even come home. I have NO idea who this woman is anymore......
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thanks for the links I have definitley started with those before I read teh DR book, so now those links some more sense after reading most of the DR book
So I noticed today that her pain medicine bottles seem way more empty than they should be so I counted them. one she only had 2 days left but was supposed to have 19 days and one she had 10 days left but supposed to have 19 days. I don't know what to do right now, how does someone handle
Freaking out about this oxy abuse stuff, been looking up intervention type stuff....not sure it would even help. I'm thinking right now did she do that this weekend take off for her A and get high on Oxy all weekend???
Well today I was cleaing our bedroom because I was sick her mess (and some of mine) and I found 2 notes saying she loves the other guy and found a reciept where she mailed something to him 12 days ago....GREAT But this detachment thing must really be working caue while I'm hurt I....dont really care it doesn't shock me I guess now.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
My ex (2nd long term relationship that ended 7 years ago) was addicted to Oxys. I knew he took them for pain, but didn't know he was buying more and actually ended up snorting them. I too thought that I could have an intervention and told all his family about his drug addiction. You can't help someone that doesn't want to help themselves. I now know that whatever I tried didn't work, because he didn't see that he had a problem. It almost ended up killing me ( he became abusive and violent in his drug crazes). It's like trying to save a drowning person and they are pulling you under too. Please tread carefully. Protect yourself and if you have children them as well.
Di-mond in the rough M-45 H-38 My children S-25 D-23 T 5 M 4 H left April Fools Day 2015
My ex (2nd long term relationship that ended 7 years ago) was addicted to Oxys. I knew he took them for pain, but didn't know he was buying more and actually ended up snorting them. I too thought that I could have an intervention and told all his family about his drug addiction. You can't help someone that doesn't want to help themselves. I now know that whatever I tried didn't work, because he didn't see that he had a problem. It almost ended up killing me ( he became abusive and violent in his drug crazes). It's like trying to save a drowning person and they are pulling you under too. Please tread carefully. Protect yourself and if you have children them as well.
