seperated 4 months, its now 9 months, oh and om

[help67]

One way my self esteem issue showed up was when things would be going good, I would sabotage any chance at success, deep down not thinking I deserved it. I would stop drinking, really wanting to quit, but would wind up going back after some time. In school I could have straight A's and not show up for a final exam. I would be fearful to try things I wanted to. In my m, it would be good for some time and I would sabotage that, not even knowing it.

The dynamic of this and no my w not good with her boundaries made it easy to be in a bad cycle. I thought about triggers, but I believe it was the lack of boundaries that was my w biggest contribution.

My w family was worse than mine, they d when she was 12 yrs old, my d just turned 13 yrs old. My w said that the cycle was continuing, meaning she had to leave because of my behaviors, her father was and still is addicted to many things. It was the one time since bd that I got mad at my w, saying I was not her father, that I will choose my family, and do whatever I have to, and I believe I am. My w is working on boundaries and not taking behavior she doesnt deserve anymore.

9 1/2 months sober today, and I love that. I am playing guitar again, something I always wanted to be good at, but kept quitting. Learning how to meditate, reading a lot of self-help, buddhism books, relating to my d better, love IC and my therapist is great. These things are all real for me, and theres more good thing to come.

I read something today that applys very much to my old thinking, it was STOP HOPING FOR A BETTER PAST.