Walk away wife and my journey

[ATPeace]

I suggest you read the "Newbie Rules" and laminate them and carry them in your pocket so you can

STOP PURSUING HER FOR NOW. Sorry to hit you with that but it's in bold b/c you are taking it in. We are all saying a lot of the same things but you are not "hearing" us. You need to hear us. THIS WAS SOMETHING MY WIFE USED TO SAY TO ME SHE SAID I DID NOT LISTEN TO HER ....TRULEY LISTEN

We don't have a secret weapon to fix all this. Looking back, I think that was sort of what I was searching for when I first came here.

However We do tend to know what does NOT work, and the things you can do that will make things worse. You are doing those negative behaviors too much.

2 Big No No's that hurt your chances of reconciling:

1) Pressuring the WAS to stay. This does not work AND worse, it often causes fighting and it always increases tension.

The more tension in the home, the more the WAS wants to flee;

2) Challenging the reasons for the WAS leaving; the more you challenge the choices the WAS is making, the more you force them to defend those choices, instead of genuinely examining them.

This tends to solidify their choices more, and rather than shaking their confidence, it often increases it. Of course it also creates tension, which doesn't help anyone.

Ghost, you need to get ^^this asap. THANK YOU FOR BEING SO CLEAR I DO UNDERSTAND THIS

We have been sleeping in separate beds for the past 4 weeks she sleeps downstairs on a pull up bed she is finding it easier to detach from me because she is in a very different place than I am she had been feeling lonley for a long long time.

IF she wants space, and she does, crowding her will only crowd her OUT.

It seems you have the belief that b/c she once wanted more time with you, NOW you should pretty much force that upon her. I disagree. At this stage, you need to show her that her needs are important b/c by ignoring her all those years and not spending time with her, you chose to do what you wanted to do. I SEE THIS NOW AND YOU ARE RIGHT I DID THINK THAT I SHOULD LOOK TO BE DOING THE THINGS THAT SHEMASKED FOR DURING THE M

If you insist on being with her now, when she has asked for space, you'll be doing more of the same in effect b/c it is what You want to do and Not what she has expressly stated as her wish...

and it'll push her farther away from you as well.

In short, it'll make things worse. ....I SEE THIS CLEARER NOW IT MAKES MORE SENCE


What makes it worse is that she is adamant that there is no going back


they all say that. Stop asking if she is sure and Stop telling her it's not what you want. She is only being adamant b/c she thinks you don't believe her.

She knows that you don't want this, so there's no use in repeating it again. Also, she's NOT going to admit to having any doubts (to you especially.). The more you ask her to reconsider, the LESS she is likely to do so. THIS MAKES PERFECT SENCE

Get your mojo back and be a little mysterious. Show her that you are a man with interests and friends and hobbies and work that mean something to you, that you are bringing something to the table, as they say.

If you don't feel that way, you may have to "fake it til you make it."

(For help with this^^, I urge you to watch 2 TED TALK videos on youtube about "Faking it til you Become it", by Amy Cuddy, and another one about positive thinking psychology by Shawn Achor. I think you'll get a lot out of them and they're short and entertaining.

We are cohabiting we cannot really afford to downscale

Then you have the gift of TIME...time in which your changes will become more visible.
That is a wonderful side effect of weight loss. Other changes are often More important...but few changes are as good for your health AND your appearance AND are so noticeable by a spouse.

No matter what she wants to believe about your "promised changes", if you lose a noticeable amount of weight, she will never be able to say you won't or can't change. The proof will be right in front of her. YES THIS MAKES SENCE

At some level it has to make your other changes more believable. Kudos to you for getting in shape! . THANK YOU

We are clearing the garage so we can move the home office to the garage and then she can make the home office a bed room

How do people detach and move away from someone they love and someone that they have been with for 25 years and married for 17 years

Thanks
Gary

The detaching did not happen as recently or as quickly as you think.

It happened over time, in some insidious ways that are hard to notice, along with ways you chose NOT to notice.

I've been there, so I'm not saying this with any judgement. I just do not know any women with children, who suddenly want out of a happy marriage without any warning or clues.

And in truth, you know this too. So Instead of asking "What happened??" And bemoaning the tragedy of it all, (which I did as well, for too long!!)

You need to BE HERE NOW, and get moving.

Learn from your mistakes, absolutely. But don't wallow in them.

The chance you have of turning this thing around, lies in your ability to function well now, and behave in ways that help your cause.

Make sense? YES MAKES TOTAL SENCE

Do you have any advice on the stop persuing obviously we share the same house we have been getting along just fine however I am not sure that this is giving her the oppertunity to think about what life will be like if we do D

If she asks to spend time with me or to do things as a family do I say yes or do I say no how does one decide what is the best decisions

I guess One of the difficulties I have I suppose is not knowing what to do when it comes to things like the above