Falling Pianos: Wayward Wife & LRT (8)

[NDY]

Morning D

I agree with you on this one. When I read the Stockwell Paradox it really reasonated with me. You see traces of it here all the time. Accept and expect the worst and anything that is a positive is just icing.

Not that we should be miserable or anything. Just accepting the reality allows us to find an inner peace.

[Avanti]

Sorry NDY, can't see where the Stockdale Paradox says anything about accepting the worst and anything positive is just icing.

Vice Admiral James Stockdale said "You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end—which you can never afford to lose—with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be." This seems to be more like you will win through even though what you perceive about you current circumstance may not be to your liking. In other words always have a PMA, work with what you have and/or can see and always believe that you'll succeed.

Maybe I am missing your point?

[Defacto]

Jeff & Dwh,
Thanks for the encouragement. I feel that I am hanging in there. It makes me glad that my sitch is able to provide some type of inspiration to you all.

NDY & Beagley,
Perhaps "inevitable" was too strong of a word to use. Maybe it was too deterministic. Nonetheless, I can't see how pretending I am not on the path towards D helps me through my journey. IMO, acting "as if" is a strategy to employ when you are interacting with your WAS. I can have a PMA when I am around STBX while still knowing D is a present reality. DB'ing is more for me to detach from any negative reaction to STBX's waywardness. I don't want a D. But, as far as my personal recovery is concerned, I don't think it's healthy to deny my present reality. However, this doesn't mean that I have given up or lost hope. I know that I still have a long way to go either way.

Journaling:

Last night, STBX sent me a pic of S1 and a told me how he is scared of thunder. I chuckled to myself but didn't respond.

I watched a movie and watched the latest episode of True Detective. I even began getting my financial paperwork together for the L. This felt surprisingly cathartic.

This morning was pretty busy at work for a change. It's now just finally starting to settle down.

STBX sent a video TM of the kids this morning. Immediately afterwards, she sent a YouTube link to a funny video that had a song we used to enjoy together years back. I replied with...

Me: Aww I love that they're so musical (only responding to video TM of kids)

STBX responds with some commentary about S1's funny dance moves.

Me: I agree
STBX: I miss you.

And I miss my friends. XXXX is in town and was trying to coordinate seeing me and XXXX(her former best friend) separately. It's so awful.

Me:Yeah, it's been tough. I miss our little family.

STBX:Me too. I do not belong anywhere.

I contemplated replying but decided against it.
-----------
Ultimately, STBX is going to figure this out on her own. I've given her subtle nudges along the way and have occasionally returned her pursuit.

I do miss my STBX. But I wonder if it is the togetherness with someone who makes me feel good about myself that I really miss. I've learned that I am way too beholden to the acceptance and approval of others. This is something I need to explore on my own within myself regardless of any R with STBX.

[WhyUs]

Has anything moved on the Divorce Front. My wife served me the same day. My wife does not seem to be anywhere near the state of mind that your wife is right now. However, I would read Sandi's thread, or again if you have not already read it. You need to make sure you are not being used as the "friend." That allows her to cake eat and you will never really move forward.

My wife had me convinced that we were working on things. The reality of it was she wanted me to go peacefully while she continued the A. No that the papers have been served she has turned into a real nightmare to deal with. She is in full throttle attack mode.

[Avanti]

...You need to make sure you are not being used as the "friend." That allows her to cake eat and you will never really move forward...

Very wise words WhyUs.

Sandi's thread might give some ideas for how to test this or maybe one of the vets has some words of wisdom?

Is it time for some boundaries to be defined? If there's any negative reaction to them, then maybe it's an indicator that cake eating is prevalent?

[dwh15]

Well, I served cake myself for several weeks and am quite familiar with what it looks like. Based on what I'm reading, this sounds like more sincere interest than cake eating. Of course, I would recommend caution and not having expectations, but maybe a glimmer of hope in there. Crossing my fingers and toes; I love reading positive outcomes.

[HurtJef]

I agree with Dwh.... Seems like interest to me. Plus I don't think Def has been serving much cake lately anyways. He is holding his boundries and she is pursuing.....just be careful, Def.....keep with the process...no expectations, Right?

[WhyUs]

That sounds wonderful then. Looking forward to a positive outcome as well.

Good luck:)

[Starsky309]

I don't see where Defacto has been serving up any cake for a long time now, so I don't think he has to worry about his wife trying to cake-eat. She's in partial PURSUIT mode, so that is good, and he's successfully flipped the power dynamic. It's now up to him to decide which pursuit offers to accept, and which to be too busy/mysterious for, and as long as he maintains his core boundaries through that process he should be fine.


Starsky

[Defacto]

Thanks for everybody's response to my sitch. I truly appreciate the insight and feedback. Sorry I haven't been more responsive the last couple of days. I made a conscious decision to step back a little bit. I think what happened to Matt spooked me a little but it's more that I need to spend more time living and less time worrying about my sitch.

Journaling:
The last couple of days have been fairly straight forward. Work is starting to pick up a bit. Had some fun nights out with some friends.

Last night began a four day run with the kiddos. I'm really excited to have them back and have some really good ideas for some fun adventures together this weekend.

Interactions with STBX have been status quo. She intermittently sends video TMs of the kids and sometimes I reply back, sometimes not.

Last night, STBX called well after the kids bedtime. She was concerned about D4 being upset at the child exchange. I told her that we had a fun time and both kids were sleeping. STBX then began to say that she missed our family and she missed me. She said everything happened so fast and she wished things had turned out differently. She then talked at length about the friends she lost and how much it hurts, etc. I mostly STFU, listen, let her talk, and occasionally agree or validate.

After a few minutes, she gets a work call and says that she will have to call me back. I say don't worry about it, I'm going to go to sleep, and have a good night.

Obviously, the lost friends issue is a major hurdle for STBX. I don't have any quick fix for that, just time I guess. However, it appears that she is still detoured from focusing on addressing the real problems in the MR, including her A.

Still a very long way to go...

Have a great weekend, friends!