seperated 4 months, its now 9 months, oh and om

[help67]

Hi V,

My control issues come from childhood issues I never really worked on and resolved until now. My family was dysfunctional, my father physically abused me, lots of verbal abuse in entire family. No real communication, lots of fear. I also have abondonment issues, and so in order not to lose my w, I controlled everything and of course this is why I eventually lost her. I have very low self esteem, and never felt worthy of my w love.

I am not this person, but I was to fearful to look inside, and instead buried everything and made myself numb. So now I have dug deep in IC, and am learning to like who I am, the real me. I am kind, caring, empathic, funny, generous, and still learning. I am also working on forgiving, myself included.
My w is similar in her upbringing, but she became the caretaker, and she wasnt good at setting personal boundaries, and so I broke many. She buried a lot to, but somehow stayed away from being resentful. I hope we get to have these deep connections and conversations one day, I know there is still love between us.

I almost wish she would get mad at me, but maybe she isnt because I have changed my behavior. In the last two days she emailed my about our dauhter, but also wished me a good day at work, and to be safe because there was a bad storm coming.
I dont know if her being nice is crumbs to keep me hanging on or something else, I am trying not to mind read though.