Great food for thought. I am not the same person. I am really, but a lot stronger and have kept true to my path. I would never have thought that a few months ago.
Working on schedule for holiday's. She had them last Thansgiving and Christmas. I want this Thanksgiving and Christmas. Next year she will get them etc...
W now objects to swapping kids every other holiday. I said that's how it's done. And thats what the court will order.
W - Lets just let the mediators handle this and then she hung up on me.
W - calls back a few minutes later "I don't know why you are trying to make this a court issue. I am feeling really frustrated that you are making all of this a court issue.
Me - This is what divorce is - it's a court order. you are suing me for divorce, and the court will finalize the terms. If I violate the terms, I will have to answer the court just as you will. All it is doing is finalizing what we are already doing now.
W - Why can't we just settle this between us and go from there.
Me - Because you are suing me for divorce, it is already in the courts.
W - starts to cry - this is not right. You are making everything about a legal matter when it doesn't have to be.
She just doesn't get it. That is why I hired a lawyer folks.
You mean you are not letting her have her way .. you do realize you are shattering her fantasy-land image of what divorce and what it is in her head right?
Amazing how they assume its going to go smooth and according to the plan they have made up in their heads.
Good job of sticking to it Heavy ... she wanted the D ... well it comes with some not so nice things.
Okay...let's dissect how this type of communication can be improved for the next time.
W now objects to swapping kids every other holiday. I said that's how it's done. And thats what the court will order.
W - Lets just let the mediators handle this and then she hung up on me.
Do you now see how you shot down W right off the bat by pulling out the "court" card? A hard door slam for sure.
I would have asked, "What are your concerns about swapping the schedule around the holidays? How can we work out a schedule that is FAIR to the two of us? Let's be clear: it is important for the kids to have holiday time with our respective families."
In a way, I have to agree with W on her perspective here. Why can't you two just discuss and work out a holiday schedule among yourselves?
By pulling out the "it's how it's done, that's what the court will order" just comes from a place of anger.
Do you see this now?
You are arguing back against W. You didn't bother to validate her at all. You were very dug in on the "court" issue here and the convo went downhill from that point. A non-starter.
If you had taken the first approach and W still stubbornly refused to be flexible, then yeah...pull out the "it's a divorce and that is what the courts will do" line on W.
I want to add that I don't want to assume anything here. It seemed to me that, based on what you report here, the "court" comment was the first thing that came out. I don't know if you and W tried to work the schedule first or not. Then came at an impasse?
There was more to this, it started out as we agreed to every other holiday right? You had them last Thanksgiving and I would like to have them this thanksgiving. We were going to alternate holidays right?
W - No, whoever's week it falls on that's what it is.
M - That doesn't feel fair, look if it were you and I had them last Thanksgiving, I would let you have them this time and we can swap out the holiday's.
W - You don't even do holidays anyway
M - Come on it's 50-50 Then I go into the that's what it will boil down to in court anyway.
The court statement came out at the end of the discussion.
There was a lot that led up to it. She doesn't want to swap the kids on Holidays, just let it rest on whose week it is. I don't agree to that. I would like to spend time with them on special days too.
But, yes, I could have handled it in a better way.
