I thought about this a bit and had to check myself from listing things I want that included others ... because at the root of what I want is more about ME, and nothing to do with anyone else ... if someone would like to be a part of my life thats one thing .. but what I really want is not affected by that.
What I want, in the pure sense is to be happy. Up till BD I thought I was ... but looking back I really wasn't. I mistakenly looked to others for what I felt were 'my needs' to be filled. Not that I ever relied on anyone for my happiness thankfully ... but I did think others could fill needs that in fact were just 'wants' ... learning this has impacted me. My happiness is centered around how I feel about myself, and pre-BD I did not feel good about me, on the outside I appeared happy when I had to but it was a mask, deep down I was miserable, alone, unfulfilled and a few other dark feelings. This crisis I finally/thankfully hit rock bottom and realized I have this gift ... this life to live regardless of what people around me do ... regardless of how close to my inner circles they may be ... I was dependent on them and that was not living MY life.... I was meerely a supporting actor in theirs.
So my want .. To play lead, star in my own movie for a change ... which I have been doing, if there are a few people who would like guest appearances, supporting roles .. and can do so without trying to take over MY movie .. thats great ... but it is now my movie , one I regret not taking charge of long ago but am thankful for this chance to do so now.
I have several things going for me now that I never had before.. and this crisis granted me the second chance at life. I do not intend to waste it, I would like my M to be salvaged, for my W and I to work on a better relationship, for us both to grow individually, to watch my S grow up into the fine young man I have hopes to witness as long as God graces me to, to experience more of what life has to offer knowing how I used to live it was passing me by.
I guess all ^^^ is a long way to say I just want to be happy uR, and I think I have found it within, sure there are some bad days .. trying days .. but life will always have those. I look forward to living a bit more every day ... excited with the changes that continue to take place. Maybe my M one day will reflect this outlook ... maybe not .. regardless I will be ok, and happy that I have gone about this as best as I could. As of now .. this moment I am happy.
