Falling Pianos: Wayward Wife & LRT (8)

[Defacto]

Jeff & Dwh,
Thanks for the encouragement. I feel that I am hanging in there. It makes me glad that my sitch is able to provide some type of inspiration to you all.

NDY & Beagley,
Perhaps "inevitable" was too strong of a word to use. Maybe it was too deterministic. Nonetheless, I can't see how pretending I am not on the path towards D helps me through my journey. IMO, acting "as if" is a strategy to employ when you are interacting with your WAS. I can have a PMA when I am around STBX while still knowing D is a present reality. DB'ing is more for me to detach from any negative reaction to STBX's waywardness. I don't want a D. But, as far as my personal recovery is concerned, I don't think it's healthy to deny my present reality. However, this doesn't mean that I have given up or lost hope. I know that I still have a long way to go either way.

Journaling:

Last night, STBX sent me a pic of S1 and a told me how he is scared of thunder. I chuckled to myself but didn't respond.

I watched a movie and watched the latest episode of True Detective. I even began getting my financial paperwork together for the L. This felt surprisingly cathartic.

This morning was pretty busy at work for a change. It's now just finally starting to settle down.

STBX sent a video TM of the kids this morning. Immediately afterwards, she sent a YouTube link to a funny video that had a song we used to enjoy together years back. I replied with...

Me: Aww I love that they're so musical (only responding to video TM of kids)

STBX responds with some commentary about S1's funny dance moves.

Me: I agree
STBX: I miss you.

And I miss my friends. XXXX is in town and was trying to coordinate seeing me and XXXX(her former best friend) separately. It's so awful.

Me:Yeah, it's been tough. I miss our little family.

STBX:Me too. I do not belong anywhere.

I contemplated replying but decided against it.
-----------
Ultimately, STBX is going to figure this out on her own. I've given her subtle nudges along the way and have occasionally returned her pursuit.

I do miss my STBX. But I wonder if it is the togetherness with someone who makes me feel good about myself that I really miss. I've learned that I am way too beholden to the acceptance and approval of others. This is something I need to explore on my own within myself regardless of any R with STBX.