hold on! - 11

[u-turn]

Thanks Jelly & V - thanks for being here - I am finding myself to be at a loss of words lately, but...


It does scare the hell out of me - just thinking about someday starting a new relationship with someone. 1. I have never been an adult that has done that (been with W since I was 18) 2. I worry that I now turned into this damaged guy who has all of these rules and am going to be so cautious that I won't be able to love someones flaws? I sure hope not.

I heard from my brother, who I have mentioned here. He went through a D (really nasty). He threw himself full on bachelor life of a traveling contractor, Re-married someone who he barely knew from 1500 miles away and it never really panned out. He is still currently married (I think for 2 years now), but never really lived with his current W. anyway, he has calmed down I think. He met someone more local and had his first date with her - he was very nervous which I think is a good sign. I am saying all of this because he told me that his new friend would not date him until he was D'd from his current wife. (I thought this was a refreshing and novel idea). I say all of this because it may just be possible to find someone who the same values as I do.

It makes me think of my future.

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On the home front, s21 tried to stay at our house for the last couple of days and was supposed to stay through part of the week. he left last night (3 days early). He said he couldn't stay here because it is too depressing and stressful. I had a decent conversation with him before he left and texted him a little later. He says he doesn't blame me for this, (but I really don't know if he is only telling me this to sooth me). He just cannot be with his mom, and the fun he was having the night before was fake. He is a lot like me in the way he judges himself harshly - so I told him what I have learned about that. I think he was receptive - he thanked me.

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W says she is trying to be nice to me, but I keep acting like a d!ck - she is big into name calling in the last 6 months. I don't think I am acting like that, but I am maybe not as accepting of her niceness as she wants. I did tell her via text that I don't really need her to do anything for me or be nice to me and it seems disingenuous (probably bad DB - maybe that is acting like a d!ck - but it is how I feel. Right now I am not accepting death threats one minute and then wanting to bring me my favorite pizza the next). Besides that, these nice spells are usually reactions from her (guilt?). She showed up the other day with another small gift from OM from his family vacation - what a great friend - what a great family man - yeesh.

She did text back basically saying to not judge whether she is genuine or not.
I responded later that she has made her feelings clear (which again she twists into - see I am being nice, everything is ok)

Then later she txts - I guess we are worlds apart in our thoughts. I respond "maybe we are".

I do think I would like to say more to her at this time, but don't really know what to say.

That's it. Back to me loving the kids - while she thinks I am stealing them from her, and she sleeps her time away on the couch.