H, Did you mean what you said to them about not wanting this divorce or not understanding it? Why have you called our MC? Then what I have been trying to tell you and what I have to say here is not pointless.
If you've been honest about not wanting this, then why the hell are we here? There is a path back. Where there is a will there is a way. We loved each other enough for that to be possible.
The judge will ask us during the hearing if we believe counseling could help. I want to believe you are a good man trying to be a better one, despite everything you have done and said to me. I took my vows seriously. If you wish to address the violence and the deeper hurts your verbal attacks have caused me, if you wish to earn trust - that door is still open. It would be difficult, but if you have meant the things you've said to X,Y.Z, and whomever else, you can do something about this. I am not perfect either, and you had some hurts too. I know this.
But it's been my impression for the last several months that this is exactly what you wanted for all the reasons I outlined, based on what you have done and said. If I had thought any part of you had any regret or feelings at all, or was doing anything other than playing a big game over the papers, I would not have pushed so hard for you to finish this. It has been upsetting to me to hear that you were at all conflicted. I am, and have been, living under the belief that you came back to appease friends and family, without much love or respect left for me, despite what you said. I believe that because of that void, you did what you did, possibly even planned it to time with your check arriving, so you could throw your hands up to say, "divorce is all we can do." And then happily went on your way to look for your emotional and sexual needs to be met elsewhere, as your inability to drive magically fell away. On the whole I feel used, betrayed, and I am still in disbelief. It would be a hard path and it would take a lot of work to re-establish trust.
And I still stand by what I said to you; if you want to commit to counseling, owning your behavior and changing it, and you're willing to put in the work to make this a positive relationship, I will stand by you. Before I asked you to leave the house, I said as much; asked you to promise it wouldn't happen again and you said you couldn't and you weren't interested in anger management classes. You seemed to blame me for causing all of that in you. Maybe you have a different perspective now. I don't know.
I have a session scheduled with MC/IC at 3pm tomorrow. She's told me she's tried to call you back but your voicemail won't allow for a message. You are welcome to join, or we can meet in public later if you would like to discuss. You are still my husband. I don't mean to cause you pain by unwanted contact, but I don't want to stand at the hearing and think there was anything more I could have done.
If I don't hear from you, I'll move forward as planned and not contact you again. The garage door is open and you don't need rommate or me to be here to open it.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
