Walk away wife and my journey

[PigPen]

That's a great post by 25! So good to read.

Thank you!

[ATPeace]

25yearsmlc

Thank you so much for your support and your words they help me so much

[ATPeace]

hi

I am starting to understand that to try to make things right / better is going to take a very long time

My main concerns is that the longer we are not intermet the more she will see me just as a a room mate and the closeness with cease to matter to her

Do not get me wrong I am not talking about the sex or making love I am talking about the little things to be honest that making love part right now really does not bother me despite my wife always saying to me as long asi got my bit in the bedrrom then I would be happy


It is more the things like the holding of hands stroking of faces her feet on my legs when watching Tv having and giving hugs all the things that make one feel close and attached to another

I am missing this and would have though she would be too she used to like to snuggle and Hugg

I know the old Gary is not going to be coming back she has left him and rightly so

It is just going to take a lot of time

Thanks

Gary

[25yearsmlc]

I suggest you read the "Newbie Rules" and laminate them and carry them in your pocket so you can

STOP PURSUING HER FOR NOW. Sorry to hit you with that but it's in bold b/c you are taking it in. We are all saying a lot of the same things but you are not "hearing" us. You need to hear us.

We don't have a secret weapon to fix all this. Looking back, I think that was sort of what I was searching for when I first came here.

However We do tend to know what does NOT work, and the things you can do that will make things worse. You are doing those negative behaviors too much.

2 Big No No's that hurt your chances of reconciling:

1) Pressuring the WAS to stay. This does not work AND worse, it often causes fighting and it always increases tension.

The more tension in the home, the more the WAS wants to flee;

2) Challenging the reasons for the WAS leaving; the more you challenge the choices the WAS is making, the more you force them to defend those choices, instead of genuinely examining them.

This tends to solidify their choices more, and rather than shaking their confidence, it often increases it. Of course it also creates tension, which doesn't help anyone.

Ghost, you need to get ^^this asap.

We have been sleeping in separate beds for the past 4 weeks she sleeps downstairs on a pull up bed she is finding it easier to detach from me because she is in a very different place than I am she had been feeling lonley for a long long time.

IF she wants space, and she does, crowding her will only crowd her OUT.

It seems you have the belief that b/c she once wanted more time with you, NOW you should pretty much force that upon her. I disagree. At this stage, you need to show her that her needs are important b/c by ignoring her all those years and not spending time with her, you chose to do what you wanted to do.

If you insist on being with her now, when she has asked for space, you'll be doing more of the same in effect b/c it is what You want to do and Not what she has expressly stated as her wish...

and it'll push her farther away from you as well.

In short, it'll make things worse.


What makes it worse is that she is adamant that there is no going back


they all say that. Stop asking if she is sure and Stop telling her it's not what you want. She is only being adamant b/c she thinks you don't believe her.

She knows that you don't want this, so there's no use in repeating it again. Also, she's NOT going to admit to having any doubts (to you especially.). The more you ask her to reconsider, the LESS she is likely to do so.

Get your mojo back and be a little mysterious. Show her that you are a man with interests and friends and hobbies and work that mean something to you, that you are bringing something to the table, as they say.

If you don't feel that way, you may have to "fake it til you make it."

(For help with this^^, I urge you to watch 2 TED TALK videos on youtube about "Faking it til you Become it", by Amy Cuddy, and another one about positive thinking psychology by Shawn Achor. I think you'll get a lot out of them and they're short and entertaining.

We are cohabiting we cannot really afford to downscale

Then you have the gift of TIME...time in which your changes will become more visible.
That is a wonderful side effect of weight loss. Other changes are often More important...but few changes are as good for your health AND your appearance AND are so noticeable by a spouse.

No matter what she wants to believe about your "promised changes", if you lose a noticeable amount of weight, she will never be able to say you won't or can't change. The proof will be right in front of her.

At some level it has to make your other changes more believable. Kudos to you for getting in shape!

We are clearing the garage so we can move the home office to the garage and then she can make the home office a bed room

How do people detach and move away from someone they love and someone that they have been with for 25 years and married for 17 years

Thanks
Gary

The detaching did not happen as recently or as quickly as you think.

It happened over time, in some insidious ways that are hard to notice, along with ways you chose NOT to notice.

I've been there, so I'm not saying this with any judgement. I just do not know any women with children, who suddenly want out of a happy marriage without any warning or clues.

And in truth, you know this too. So Instead of asking "What happened??" And bemoaning the tragedy of it all, (which I did as well, for too long!!)

You need to BE HERE NOW, and get moving.

Learn from your mistakes, absolutely. But don't wallow in them.

The chance you have of turning this thing around, lies in your ability to function well now, and behave in ways that help your cause.

Make sense?

[ATPeace]

25yearsmlc thank you once again for taking the time to help me everything you have said is being taken on board everything you have said so far has beenm. Spot on with regard to my M

It is almost like you have been watching what has been going on with my M

So just to clarify

Give her space
Stop persuing her (totally)

What about doing things together if she suggests to watch Tv or spending time together with the children

Are you saying I should not suggest watching Tv together we used to watch box sets and have loads lined up to watch

being ther for the kids is naturally good idea

Not backing off totally

What about doing things for her ...yesterday I cleaned her car

Part of me doing more arround the house is me doing the ironing ...I should keep doing her cloaths ?

Many thanks

gary

[ATPeace]

I suggest you read the "Newbie Rules" and laminate them and carry them in your pocket so you can

STOP PURSUING HER FOR NOW. Sorry to hit you with that but it's in bold b/c you are taking it in. We are all saying a lot of the same things but you are not "hearing" us. You need to hear us. THIS WAS SOMETHING MY WIFE USED TO SAY TO ME SHE SAID I DID NOT LISTEN TO HER ....TRULEY LISTEN

We don't have a secret weapon to fix all this. Looking back, I think that was sort of what I was searching for when I first came here.

However We do tend to know what does NOT work, and the things you can do that will make things worse. You are doing those negative behaviors too much.

2 Big No No's that hurt your chances of reconciling:

1) Pressuring the WAS to stay. This does not work AND worse, it often causes fighting and it always increases tension.

The more tension in the home, the more the WAS wants to flee;

2) Challenging the reasons for the WAS leaving; the more you challenge the choices the WAS is making, the more you force them to defend those choices, instead of genuinely examining them.

This tends to solidify their choices more, and rather than shaking their confidence, it often increases it. Of course it also creates tension, which doesn't help anyone.

Ghost, you need to get ^^this asap. THANK YOU FOR BEING SO CLEAR I DO UNDERSTAND THIS

We have been sleeping in separate beds for the past 4 weeks she sleeps downstairs on a pull up bed she is finding it easier to detach from me because she is in a very different place than I am she had been feeling lonley for a long long time.

IF she wants space, and she does, crowding her will only crowd her OUT.

It seems you have the belief that b/c she once wanted more time with you, NOW you should pretty much force that upon her. I disagree. At this stage, you need to show her that her needs are important b/c by ignoring her all those years and not spending time with her, you chose to do what you wanted to do. I SEE THIS NOW AND YOU ARE RIGHT I DID THINK THAT I SHOULD LOOK TO BE DOING THE THINGS THAT SHEMASKED FOR DURING THE M

If you insist on being with her now, when she has asked for space, you'll be doing more of the same in effect b/c it is what You want to do and Not what she has expressly stated as her wish...

and it'll push her farther away from you as well.

In short, it'll make things worse. ....I SEE THIS CLEARER NOW IT MAKES MORE SENCE


What makes it worse is that she is adamant that there is no going back


they all say that. Stop asking if she is sure and Stop telling her it's not what you want. She is only being adamant b/c she thinks you don't believe her.

She knows that you don't want this, so there's no use in repeating it again. Also, she's NOT going to admit to having any doubts (to you especially.). The more you ask her to reconsider, the LESS she is likely to do so. THIS MAKES PERFECT SENCE

Get your mojo back and be a little mysterious. Show her that you are a man with interests and friends and hobbies and work that mean something to you, that you are bringing something to the table, as they say.

If you don't feel that way, you may have to "fake it til you make it."

(For help with this^^, I urge you to watch 2 TED TALK videos on youtube about "Faking it til you Become it", by Amy Cuddy, and another one about positive thinking psychology by Shawn Achor. I think you'll get a lot out of them and they're short and entertaining.

We are cohabiting we cannot really afford to downscale

Then you have the gift of TIME...time in which your changes will become more visible.
That is a wonderful side effect of weight loss. Other changes are often More important...but few changes are as good for your health AND your appearance AND are so noticeable by a spouse.

No matter what she wants to believe about your "promised changes", if you lose a noticeable amount of weight, she will never be able to say you won't or can't change. The proof will be right in front of her. YES THIS MAKES SENCE

At some level it has to make your other changes more believable. Kudos to you for getting in shape! . THANK YOU

We are clearing the garage so we can move the home office to the garage and then she can make the home office a bed room

How do people detach and move away from someone they love and someone that they have been with for 25 years and married for 17 years

Thanks
Gary

The detaching did not happen as recently or as quickly as you think.

It happened over time, in some insidious ways that are hard to notice, along with ways you chose NOT to notice.

I've been there, so I'm not saying this with any judgement. I just do not know any women with children, who suddenly want out of a happy marriage without any warning or clues.

And in truth, you know this too. So Instead of asking "What happened??" And bemoaning the tragedy of it all, (which I did as well, for too long!!)

You need to BE HERE NOW, and get moving.

Learn from your mistakes, absolutely. But don't wallow in them.

The chance you have of turning this thing around, lies in your ability to function well now, and behave in ways that help your cause.

Make sense? YES MAKES TOTAL SENCE

Do you have any advice on the stop persuing obviously we share the same house we have been getting along just fine however I am not sure that this is giving her the oppertunity to think about what life will be like if we do D

If she asks to spend time with me or to do things as a family do I say yes or do I say no how does one decide what is the best decisions

I guess One of the difficulties I have I suppose is not knowing what to do when it comes to things like the above

[ATPeace]

[quote

You are doing great with the kids, house, weight loss, etc. What could you do to change the dynamics in the relationship with your W, if she is no longer interested in a M with you? I hope you will understand what I am going to say. I have seen hundreds of LBH'S work themselves into the ground, trying to become who he thinks his W wants. Then he is crushed when she doesn't respond the way he had hoped. That's b/c he missed the main ingredient.........attraction. I admire you working on losing weight, b/c I know how tough it can be. That is a good place to start in the attraction department. Are you working out, too? Have you had a chance to update your wardrobe, if needed? Trying to be all things to everyone is very time consuming, isn't it?

What was there about you that attracted her when you first stated dating?

I guess the thing that attracted her to me was that she had come from a home where she had not had the love that she desired I came along and took the pain away by being there for her loving her and showing her that nothing was too much trouble

I have a great sence of humour and am very quick witted and I guess she liked that I was fun to be with

[25yearsmlc]

25yearsmlc thank you once again for taking the time to help me everything you have said is being taken on board everything you have said so far has beenm. Spot on with regard to my M

It is almost like you have been watching what has been going on with my M

So just to clarify

Give her space
Stop persuing her (totally)

What about doing things together if she suggests to watch Tv or spending time together with the children

First off, you're going to HAVE to decline SOME of these invitations b/c you are busy GAL (and you need to be genuinely busy. 2-4 nights a month is NOT unreasonable, especially if' you're more "present" when you are around) and spend those nights NOT with the kids but with your new peeps.

I meant it when I said to join, study explore or visit or coach or volunteer somewhere THIS MONTH...for real.

GAL asap.

So that when she asks you, you can accept some of the invites but not all b/c you are busy meeting new interesting people and going to cool new places doing fascinating fun activities!


But when you do accept the invites, you are FULLY present and totally positive and upbeat. fake it til you make it or become it (did you watch the youtube video I suggested? It's not long and it might be life changing).

Are you saying I should not suggest watching Tv together we used to watch box sets and have loads lined up to watch


I don't think YOU should invite her or suggest any "family together" activities unless your kids ask you to ask her --- that is pursuit. Why don't you believe that?


NO, I'm NOT saying to decline every invite. But to make the invite, is another thing.

And as far as you Not declining, some will argue that you should decline EVERY invite but I wonder, What purpose is there in that? To punish her? Well that might achieve that goal - but it will NOT further your over all goal of reconciling and restoring your m.

But please, do not lap up the invite like she is doing you a favor. THINK about whether you can make it that night or day, due to your need to check your calendar, and Accept it IF you can -Check the schedule FIRST "just to be sure you are free that night") and then make it a good night.

IF by chance she gets weird or negative, pay NO attention to that b/c your focus is on your kids and making sure THEY have a good memory. Build these memories b/c yes, they might be rarer soon

and also b/c you are giving your w something to miss.


If she gets totally wacky and disrespectful, you leave the room. I doubt that will happen but it might later on. Like when she sees you sticking up for yourself more.

being there for the kids is naturally good idea


Agreed. Always put them first. IF there's a big thing coming up that is important to THEM and they all invite you, do your best to get there. Put them first.

As long as they are your priority it's hard to see you going wrong.



Not backing off totally

What about doing things for her ...yesterday I cleaned her car


Good question. My gut says that's a bit much. If you had made it dirty or if she'd done something above and beyond for the kids and THEY made it dirty

but otherwise, it comes off to me as pursuit. See what others (Sandi??) think


Part of me doing more arround the house is me doing the ironing ...I should keep doing her cloaths ?

Does she work outside the home? I'd probably do some of her work clothes then, if it's seen as a "joint communal" thing,

but if you two have always done them separately do not take on MORE of "her" stuff, at least not yet. Some of this you will not get right, and neither did we.

But it does get easier to figure out, if you have a few over all goals in mind.

"Is this helping our marriage or hurting it?" "How will this behavior be viewed by her---- AND YET you must balance that consideration

against the very real and powerful image of you doing what you believe is right, regardless of her feelings.

So if it's a moral quandary, do what you think is right which will usually be the harder of the choices,

but if it's small stuff, don't sweat it too much. IF/When she revises the marital history, own your part but not hers.

You can always say my favorite mantra, "W, I'm sorry that hurt you. if I had it to do all over again, there are lots of things I'd do differently."

This^^ shows the willingness to change and owning your part, and your remorse for hurting her, without making you into a doormat.

Make sense?
.



Many thanks

gary

[ATPeace]

25yearsmlc thank you once again for taking the time to help me everything you have said is being taken on board everything you have said so far has beenm. Spot on with regard to my M

It is almost like you have been watching what has been going on with my M

So just to clarify

Give her space
Stop persuing her (totally)

What about doing things together if she suggests to watch Tv or spending time together with the children

First off, you're going to HAVE to decline SOME of these invitations b/c you are busy GAL (and you need to be genuinely busy. 2-4 nights a month is NOT unreasonable, especially if' you're more "present" when you are around) and spend those nights NOT with the kids but with your new peeps.

I meant it when I said to join, study explore or visit or coach or volunteer somewhere THIS MONTH...for real.

GAL asap.

So that when she asks you, you can accept some of the invites but not all b/c you are busy meeting new interesting people and going to cool new places doing fascinating fun activities!


But when you do accept the invites, you are FULLY present and totally positive and upbeat. fake it til you make it or become it (did you watch the youtube video I suggested? It's not long and it might be life changing). I HAVE WATCHED THE FIRST ONE BUT CANNOT FIND THE SECOND positive thinking psychology Shawn Achor




Are you saying I should not suggest watching Tv together we used to watch box sets and have loads lined up to watch


I don't think YOU should invite her or suggest any "family together" activities unless your kids ask you to ask her --- that is pursuit. Why don't you believe that?
I DO BELIEVE WHAT YOU ARE SAYING I WAS JUST AFTER CLARIFICATION SO IS THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN "FAMILY TOGETHER ACTIVITIES" SUGESTED BY HER AND THOSE SUEPGESTED BY ME

I UNDERSTAND THAT "HER AND ME TOGETHER ACTIVITIES" SHOULD STOP ....I UNDERSTAND THAT I SHOULD NOT BE THE PERSON TO SUGEST GOING OUT TOGETHER JUST THE TWO OF US .....AND IF SHE WAS TO SUGEST GOING OUT JUST THE TWO OF US THEN I UNDERSTAND THAT I SHOULD NOT ALWAYS BE AVAILABLE FOR THIS ....I REALISE I MUST STOP PERSUEING HER

WE HAVE THE SCHOOL HOLIDAYS UPON US 6 WEEKS AND I THOUGHT THAT AS WE DID NOT HAVE A HOLIDAY BOOKED THAT IT WOULD BE NICE TO DO DAY TRIPS ARROUND ENGLAND TO VISIT PLACES THAT WE HAVE NOT BEEN TO BEFORE WE TALKED ABOUT DOING THIS LAST YEAR AND BECAUSE OF MY WORKING IT NEVER REALLY HAPPEND


I GUESS WHAT I AM THKING IS THAT IF I WAS TO SUGGEST WATCHING SOME OF THE TV BOXSETS THAT WE USED TO WATCH ....AND WE DID LIKE TO WATCH THESE THINGS TOGETHER AND SHE WAS UP FOR DOING THIS THEN GREAT BUT IF I ASKED AND SHE SAID NO THEN I WOULD NOT BUST MY BUTT OR HAVE ANY CONCERNS I WOULD JUST WATCH SOMETHING ELSE THAT I HAVE LINED UP TO WATCH INSTED

NO, I'm NOT saying to decline every invite. But to make the invite, is another thing.

And as far as you Not declining, some will argue that you should decline EVERY invite but I wonder, What purpose is there in that? To punish her? Well that might achieve that goal - but it will NOT further your over all goal of reconciling and restoring your m. AND I WOULD AGREE WITH THIS

But please, do not lap up the invite like she is doing you a favor. THINK about whether you can make it that night or day, due to your need to check your calendar, and Accept it IF you can -Check the schedule FIRST "just to be sure you are free that night") and then make it a good night.

IF by chance she gets weird or negative, pay NO attention to that b/c your focus is on your kids and making sure THEY have a good memory. Build these memories b/c yes, they might be rarer soon

and also b/c you are giving your w something to miss.


If she gets totally wacky and disrespectful, you leave the room. I doubt that will happen but it might later on. Like when she sees you sticking up for yourself more.

being there for the kids is naturally good idea


Agreed. Always put them first. IF there's a big thing coming up that is important to THEM and they all invite you, do your best to get there. Put them first.

As long as they are your priority it's hard to see you going wrong.



Not backing off totally

What about doing things for her ...yesterday I cleaned her car


Good question. My gut says that's a bit much. If you had made it dirty or if she'd done something above and beyond for the kids and THEY made it dirty

but otherwise, it comes off to me as pursuit. See what others (Sandi??) think
WHEN SHE SAW I WAS CLEANING HER CAR SHE SAID YOU DID NOT HAVE TO DO THAT I WOULD HAVE DONE IT AND MY RESPONCE WAS ITS NOT A BIG DEAL I HAD THE CAR CLEANING THINGS OUT I HAD JUST DONE MY CAR AND THOUGHT WELL I USED TO ALWAYS WASH THE CARS SO I WASHED IT AND BESIDE IT WQS A LITTLE DIRTY FROM MY DEVON TRIP

Part of me doing more arround the house is me doing the ironing ...I should keep doing her cloaths ?

Does she work outside the home? I'd probably do some of her work clothes then, if it's seen as a "joint communal" thing,

but if you two have always done them separately do not take on MORE of "her" stuff, at least not yet. Some of this you will not get right, and neither did we.

WE HAVE ALWAYS WASHED OUR CLOTHS TOGETHER AND SHE USED TO DO THE IRONING ,,,,ONE OF HER UPSETS WHILST M WAS THAT I DID NOT DO MY FAIR SHARE ARROUND THE HOUSE AND THIS IS TOTALLY TRUE DURING ONE OF MY CONVERSATIONS WITH HE SINCE THE S I ASKED HER WHAT CHORES SHE DID NOT LIKE TO DO AND ONE WAS IRONING AND THE OTHER WAS TO UNLOAD THE DISHWASHER SO I TOLD HER THAT I WOULD DO THOSE THINGS AS PART OF ME DOING MY SHARE AND I RALISE THAT I ACTUALLY DO NIT MIND DOING THESE CHORES.

But it does get easier to figure out, if you have a few over all goals in mind.

"Is this helping our marriage or hurting it?" "How will this behavior be viewed by her---- AND YET you must balance that consideration

against the very real and powerful image of you doing what you believe is right, regardless of her feelings.

So if it's a moral quandary, do what you think is right which will usually be the harder of the choices,

but if it's small stuff, don't sweat it too much. IF/When she revises the marital history, own your part but not hers.

You can always say my favorite mantra, "W, I'm sorry that hurt you. if I had it to do all over again, there are lots of things I'd do differently.". I LIKE THIS

This^^ shows the willingness to change and owning your part, and your remorse for hurting her, without making you into a doormat.

Make sense?
.



Many thanks

gary

[ATPeace]

25yearsmlc please can you look at my comments above and let me know if you think I am understanding things better

One other quick question my W said this morning "I am thinking on joining a gym but they do not have a baby cresh" she said "perhaps you could have the baby whilst I am there so every week block off an appointment slot in your diary so she can go to the gym.

She says the gym is only £4 per week but if I cancel a lesson slot that is worth £30

I have mixed thoughts on this
part of me thinks I would do this to show her that I would make changes for her benefit
Part thinks I would get to spend the time with the baby
Part thinks why should I make her life easier
Part of me thinks perhaps I am over complicating things

Many thanks


Gary

Many thanks

Gary