Co dependency H Affair poor boundaries oh My

[Painter]

Thanks for answering, that really helps give a better idea of what you're up against.

It's great that you're seeing an IC, that means you take care of yourself and that's so important! Combined with the books, you have great potential to make some real changes that it sounds like you are longing for. I started out with 180's (doing the opposite of what you've been doing, and changing behaviors that you know bugs your partner), and I'm still working on that. You may have to read the book over and over and work on the concepts like homework, these are new ideas that take some time to become habit.

It's really, really rough that you are in a relationship with him still while he is involved with OW and has been for a year. Does OW know that he has not cut ties with you?

I think it's good that you're not making it too easy for him - staying with a friend while she is still living with her H is going to put pressure on their relationship, I'm sure!

Personally, I would probably not ML with H if he was in an active A... combined with you taking care of so many practical things for him and his children, this sounds like what is called cake-eating around here - he's having all the advantages of a wife and a girlfriend with no repercussions!

If I were you, I would look at a couple of things just for myself - like Zues said, look at what you would need to be independent, just so you know. Crunch some numbers and check your legal status. He says he wants you out - but does he have more rights to your place than you do? My H tried to tell me I had no rights to our marital home, but he was so wrong. He even claimed his attorney had told him this, but he hadn't been honest with the atty (and he lied to me about what the atty said), so the answers weren't valid. Another saying here is 'believe nothing of what he says and only half of what he does' - I have found that to be very true!

So what would you need to take care of yourself and your daughter? I know that you feel like H's girls' mother, but the reality is that you have no rights or obligations to them. You need to look out for yourself and your daughter, and let their parents take care of them. I'm a stepmother so I know this would be hard, but I have also seen how ungrateful that role can be when the kids get older or you're simply no longer needed.

If H wants you out, I think you can start showing him what that really would mean in all different kinds of ways. How easy would it be for him to continue the A if he had to take care of his daughters himself? Do you think OW would like him having to take care of them at all hours...? ;-) I would tell him that if he wants to split, he needs to take over all responsibilities with his girls, so you can focus on building your future. And then you let go of control... Yes, I know how hard that is! They will survive!

It sounds like you have a great potential to increase your income if you can get your board exam and get a nursing position - is there a way the employment office could help you with those funds? Or an employer who is interested in moving you up in the ranks?

I wish you all the very best!