Job - as always, thank you for your time and advice. I have more questions:

I have no concrete proof of EA/PA. I know where he was on certain dates and I have proof he was x, y, z place. I can ask him where he was on those dates and see if he lies. But that doesn't mean he was with OW. Transparency may only show if something is going on now as I am sure he has long deleted anything suspicious if A is over.

H is clearly romancing me. After BD #1 he wanted to start building a friendship and I thought we should go full into relationship. I won, short term. Then BD#2. Job, as you say, neither of us did the work we needed to. We tried to sweep things under the rug. I think we have both learned that did not work.

SO I know I need to take it super slow. If I were not up against this room to ourselves, then the friendship train would be moving along. Maybe he is not going to make a move at all when we are alone. I hope not w/o R talk.

Maybe he is going to be forth coming about OW. But even here, he can be lying about the duration, the seriousness, the number of women, etc. But at least infidelity will be exposed. If there was an EA/PA this is best case scenario.

If he starts the R talk with just past vents, then I think I know what to do. I know to STFU, listen, validate.

But if in the conversation, he indicates he wants to work on M/go forward, then I know to STFU, listen but I also know I need to discuss what landed us here, his behavior last few months and also transparency. How much can I talk once he brings up working on R? Can I calmly say everything on my mind? Can I ask him about suspicious behavior out right? Will any of it matter as he could lie about everything?

The problem will be if he tries something w/o talking about R. I know I shouldn't be initiating talk of R. But, before anything romantic starts I can say "H before we go here, we need to talk about R/M. Do you want to do this now or at another time?" Then again, my question is: can I be very open with my thoughts at this time?

Help?

Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced