Co dependency H Affair poor boundaries oh My

[Zues126]

Don't sweat the argument. Change takes time. It's way too soon to start getting down on yourself because you're not the person you will be in 6 or 12 months.

The best news I've heard is that you're in IC. I thought you'd say you can't afford it, but this is a necessary expense like a medical emergency. It wouldn't do any good to save money and die of an infection. Likewise, it doesn't do any good to continue paycheck to paycheck in a dismal limbo for another 13 years.

Finances aren't everything but they're very important. With no family to turn to I can see that you have to count on yourself and no one else. This can be very scary and intimidating. But this is something you'll have to do some serious work on. Time to start nailing down:

-What would it cost to get your own place?
-What kind of income could you earn if you were living on your own?
-What kind of child support could you expect?
-What kind of government assistance programs would you qualify for?

NOTHING is worse than the unknown. Right now you don't really know, and you also don't know how close you are to being in that situation. You are strictly reactive, and aren't sure if this cycle will continue another 10 years or if you're one argument away from him actually leaving or taking legal action. I'd be terrified, and the best way to deal with that is to use the fear for what it's intended- to get your rear into effective action.

The goal of this isn't to move out (although that may be a very legitimate option). The goal is to put yourself in a situation where you aren't dependent.

Frankly, emotional independence is probably a bigger priority. But I don't know how you can achieve emotional independence when you're financially dependent, as finances are accentuating your neediness.

What would be nice is if you worked on answering those questions over the next 30 days, all while working on nurturing yourself more and realizing that your WAH's actions and moods don't need to control your own world. There's more to say on that topic, but take baby steps.

As for ML, I think most of us here would say it's not the best idea when he's in an active A and treating you this way (health reasons and dignity), but it's not necessarily the most important issue. What's more important is whether you feel you are choosing to, or whether you feel you are being forced to (either by him controlling you directly, or by you feeling compulsive about him and trying to cling to him desperately). So rather than saying DON'T ML unless blah blah blah which you may not be disciplined enough to follow through with, and which in turn will make your boundaries look weaker...I'd say focus on the underlying issue- being your own person, sufficient by yourself, in charge of your own well being.

There are different techniques on how to do that, but it helps to start with a clear picture of what you're trying to achieve. Financial and emotional independence. You can't dismiss those as 'too tough'. It is a requirement, and without achieving those goals you will be clinging to sloppy seconds and a third rate M until you are cast aside months or years down the road, at which point you will still have to face those battles but with even more baggage and habits to overcome, and with less time to rebuild a healthy fulfilling life.