I can't say ever! Unfortunanly everytime it has been when things are rough we r fighting and on the verge of splitting anyways it's his way of splitting! By the time he cheats he isn't in love that's why I am confused? It makes me think he is not actually in love with her! It's been the same way when we have cheated together he is done with that relationship! I hope that makes sense to why I am asking
4mykid - there are some passages in the beginning of the 5 Love Languages that describe what LOVE is a much better way than I can. But love isnt the Hollywood version of flowers and butterflies in your stomach. Yes, that's usually what it feels like at the beginning. But ultimately love is about so much more than that. It sounds like your guy is on a continual chase for that. Maybe that's why he keeps leaving and coming back? But don't sell yourself short that he can fall "out of love" so easily.
I'd really see if you can get that book from the library. It really is eye opening.
Thanks Matt! Please do NOT give up on me! I truly am trying! I will order that and the co dependent no more this week! I'm sticking with the goals from last week this week! I need to be strong I need to remember I will be ok! I'm making a list today of the person I want to be! So goals can come from there and things I see that are bad so I can have a starting "map"!
Well half way through my work day and do not even feel a need to text! Much improvement! Wanted to take girls to park today but it is raining so I am thinking craft time!
I've been reading up on your situation and it's clear that you and your BF have a long and complicated history together! Something keeps bringing you back to each other, what do you think that is?
Have the two of you together or individually had any counseling?
I noticed that you said 'girls' - but you only have one daughter. Are you the caretaker for one or more of his children?
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
HI Painter! Thanks for stopping by I can use all the help I can get! Yes it has been a very long and complicated history. The only thing we both agree on is we can not continue doing things the way we have been which in his opinion means we are done for good and in my opinion means we need to work on making changes. so as you can see we do not agree and he is still in A relationship with OW that started as an afair! What keeps bringing us back to each other? I wish I had a specific answer. For me it has always been that I loved him even during the two year period we did not talk. I hope it is the same for him as when I first found out about A he mentioned he could not imagine his life like this and he never imagined not being with me. Now it is ok when we are not fighting and when we are it is he hates me cant stand to me and wants me to leave. The ONLY time i hear that is when we are fighting. So I will answer with we truly love each other but we have never actually solved issues we just jump in where we left off! I go to IC every other week I have asked him to sit in but he refuses. I asked to go to MC he refuses. All he cares about right now is making his relationship with OW work. He refused to take a day off two years ago to go on his daughters kindergarten field trip but he is taking Thursday off to go watch OW kids show at fair. Last weekend he stayed at a friends house to stay with OW because they can not stay at our house and she is still living with her husband (whom filed for divorce) I am not sure if he is still under the "fog"because it has been a year they have been "seeing eachother dating whatever you want to call it. They said ILY after the first month and as i am sure you read we still ML occasionally and live together and all that good stuff so Idk what is going on there. I am not sure how to exactly explain the kids. I have one of my own He has two from different relationships. The biological father of my daughter is not around but my ex stepped up and is her DAD. The mothers of his two children are actively involved in their lives but when they are here we parent together. No child is treated different there is no my child your child. In our eyes they are all 3 both of our kids when they are here. I have been around the youngest since the day she was born. I was at the hospital that night. The middle one I have been around since she was 2. So essentially I have been here helping raise them most of their lives. I do 90% of the communication with the other mothers (my control issue) I do field trips school supplies clothes shopping, bday party planning, school registration, all the things he would normally need to do. they both attend school in our district so we take care of the majority but due to my control I take care of it all. If you were a fly on the wall I am the main parent. I am with them the most as my days off are days I pick up and drop off his youngest it has always been that way. My job is more flexible than his so I can have a schedule like that. So in short yes I am a caretaker for all of them. I Hope that helps explain a little better! If not keep asking I have no fear of sharing as much as I can to get as much help as I can!
Matt! I have been awake 10.5 hours and no text! No communication at all. All though I have thought of many non sense reasons since I got off work at 2 to text him. I REFUSE!!!! I need to do this for me! I am so proud! It has been difficult since I have been off work!
. It sounds like your guy is on a continual chase for that. Maybe that's why he keeps leaving and coming back? But don't sell yourself short that he can fall "out of love" so easily.
Matt could you explain this a little further? The fall out of love part. I am not sure what you are trying to say? He can not fall out of love so easily? He may still be in love with me? Do not worry I wont take it to extremes just a little clarity. I have the book on my wish list so when H gets paid wednesday I will order it!
and H is back to spewing hatred and another huge fight! I swear sometimes it would be easier to just move out and walk away! I know that is not in my plan but this is hard!
He is back to he will take of his own $hit, he just wants me out, he does not care where I have to go! I am soooo sick of hearing it! I am so tired of the arguing! I should not have taken the bait. I need to learn to just walk away!
Don't sweat the argument. Change takes time. It's way too soon to start getting down on yourself because you're not the person you will be in 6 or 12 months.
The best news I've heard is that you're in IC. I thought you'd say you can't afford it, but this is a necessary expense like a medical emergency. It wouldn't do any good to save money and die of an infection. Likewise, it doesn't do any good to continue paycheck to paycheck in a dismal limbo for another 13 years.
Finances aren't everything but they're very important. With no family to turn to I can see that you have to count on yourself and no one else. This can be very scary and intimidating. But this is something you'll have to do some serious work on. Time to start nailing down:
-What would it cost to get your own place? -What kind of income could you earn if you were living on your own? -What kind of child support could you expect? -What kind of government assistance programs would you qualify for?
NOTHING is worse than the unknown. Right now you don't really know, and you also don't know how close you are to being in that situation. You are strictly reactive, and aren't sure if this cycle will continue another 10 years or if you're one argument away from him actually leaving or taking legal action. I'd be terrified, and the best way to deal with that is to use the fear for what it's intended- to get your rear into effective action.
The goal of this isn't to move out (although that may be a very legitimate option). The goal is to put yourself in a situation where you aren't dependent.
Frankly, emotional independence is probably a bigger priority. But I don't know how you can achieve emotional independence when you're financially dependent, as finances are accentuating your neediness.
What would be nice is if you worked on answering those questions over the next 30 days, all while working on nurturing yourself more and realizing that your WAH's actions and moods don't need to control your own world. There's more to say on that topic, but take baby steps.
As for ML, I think most of us here would say it's not the best idea when he's in an active A and treating you this way (health reasons and dignity), but it's not necessarily the most important issue. What's more important is whether you feel you are choosing to, or whether you feel you are being forced to (either by him controlling you directly, or by you feeling compulsive about him and trying to cling to him desperately). So rather than saying DON'T ML unless blah blah blah which you may not be disciplined enough to follow through with, and which in turn will make your boundaries look weaker...I'd say focus on the underlying issue- being your own person, sufficient by yourself, in charge of your own well being.
There are different techniques on how to do that, but it helps to start with a clear picture of what you're trying to achieve. Financial and emotional independence. You can't dismiss those as 'too tough'. It is a requirement, and without achieving those goals you will be clinging to sloppy seconds and a third rate M until you are cast aside months or years down the road, at which point you will still have to face those battles but with even more baggage and habits to overcome, and with less time to rebuild a healthy fulfilling life.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
