I'm really starting to wonder if I shouldn't just take the D that she's offering now because it seems completely fair (joint custody, no child support, no alimony). Dragging it out will cost me more and I might get less in the end.
Defacto, I think you are one of the better DBers around. I just wanted you to know that. FWIW, I think you will ultimately be successful. Your WW talks so lovingly to you. Not like the usual temp checking. Even if you do D, don't you think she will come around?
Also FWIW, joint custody, no child support, no alimony sounds like a great deal. I would snatch it up in a second.
RAI
RAI, Thanks for the encouragement. It doesn't always seem that I am doing a good job DB'ing.
Part of me has a hard time understanding why STBX can be so nice to me but still want to D. Maybe she's just so far removed from R that the friend zone seems natural to her. When we D, I don't know how much longer I will wait around for STBX. I guess I'll just have to wait and see.
Originally Posted By: T0324
I'm not a lawyer
However, I would take whatever you think is best for you and the kids. So, if you think this offer is great, I wouldn't let you hoping for R get in the way of taking it. Yes you may R but you also may not and the terms of the D will stick by you and your children. If she's being friendly and willing to be amicable I personally would take it. As many say divorce is a piece of paper.. You two haven't been living the married life for awhile now.
And I apologize if I'm coming off harsh I just wouldn't want you to pass up a good setup for D over the hopes of R. I would hate for you to wait and things turn nasty and you end up having to fight tooth and nail for custody, etc.
Hope this makes sense
Oh and time to pull back if she's pushing D again but I'm sure you already knew I was going to say that
T0,
Yeah, that's kind of where I'm at right now. Is it wise for me to look a gift horse in the mouth right now? I'm not sure a drawn out, contested D is really going to help anything right now.
Journaling: FaceTimed with kids and STBX last night. I was outside a local brewery talking with the kids and STBX asked where I was. I told I was out getting ready to watch a friend play a music gig. I find it odd that she still wants to know what I am up to.
This morning, STBX dropped off the kids (and the puppy!) at my place. She greeted me with a long embrace. I returned the embrace. She also commented on how she liked my shoes. We all went inside for a few minutes and talked casually about kid stuff. Then, STBX said goodbye and gave hugs to kids. She then turned to me and gave me a hug but this time I kept it brief on my end.
She didn't mention anything about where she was going this weekend and I definitely wasn't going to ask.
GAL update... Enjoyed some friends playing some cover songs last night. Just an all around good time last night. Tonight, the kids and I will be spending the night with my best friend's family.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
Defacto, I have the same issue. W being do nice to me the last few months which is a completely different attitude from BD. I know part of it putting no pressure on her and leaving the her to her own path. Another part wonders what else may be the cause of it. Shes still completely consumed in the A also, so who knows.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Defacto, I have the same issue. W being do nice to me the last few months which is a completely different attitude from BD. I know part of it putting no pressure on her and leaving the her to her own path. Another part wonders what else may be the cause of it. Shes still completely consumed in the A also, so who knows.
Fogg, I think it's fairly common for a WW to act nice and wanna be "friends" with her H. Mine tried taking it to the extreme initially. It was almost as if overnight we went from being a married couple to being BFFs. She was friendly and all smiles, wanted to talk on the phone, hang out as a family, even tried talking about OM at times, although I always put a stop to that. I finally realized that it was total cake eating and I had been putting up with it to be close to her, and thinking that being friends was an open door into rebuilding our M. After reading enough online, getting plenty of advice from family, and realizing that she was totally head over heels in love with OM, I pulled the plug on the whole friendship idea and have went almost totally dark on her. Not sure if she's feeling any impact but it is helping me to detach.
In Defacto's case though, there seems to be some mixed messages coming and it definitely sounds like his W is confused about what she wants. I still think there is a good chance of reconciling based on reading through the entire thread. Hang in there brother.
Me 47 W 42 T 24 yrs M 18 yrs W living with OM BD1: 3/7/2015 (A with OM#1) BD2: 4/11/2015 (A with OM#2, W moves out) WW filed for D, papers received 9/18/2015. Meeting to determine child custody 9/29/2015.
Fogg & Dwh, I didn't think I had expectations going into Friday's lunch with STBX but subconsciously, it seems like I did. Why else would I have been so impacted by her D and L talk later that afternoon? Just need to keep on my track and pull back a bit.
Journaling: Had a fantastic weekend with the kids. Saturday night had a sleepover with the kids at my best friend's house. I posted a picture of us making raspberry lemonade popsicles to Instagram. STBX commented, "You are the best."
The next day, I took the kids down to a children's museum, along with my buddy and his son. It's so exciting to see the kids learn and discover new things!
STBX called to talk with the kids for the first time on Sunday night. It was the normal exchange. The kids and I were upbeat, etc. STBX did go out of her way to ask what the kids and I did over the weekend. Again, she made no mention of her whereabouts, nor did I inquire. I simply said goodbye and wished her a good night.
On the legal front, I think I will stay on my present course. I was contemplating calling my L to ask about just moving forward on D but I will hold off on that approach for now. I have been procrastinating and haven't gathered up all the financial documents yet. I think I will do that tonight.
On Tuesday night, a friend invited me over to her house to hang out. Don't worry guys, her girlfriend will be there too. And on Wednesday, it will be good to get back to our trivia night after a few weeks off. Then, I have the kiddos from Thursday to Sunday.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
Good job man. It's tough to NOT have expectations, even when you think you don't. I'm 4 months out from BD and still bounce around emotionally almost every day. Stay the course - you are making the right choices for you and your kids, and with any luck, are lighting a path for your W to eventually find her way home.
I think that female friends are fine, as long as you are both sure and feel the same about the status of the relationship. I think it's difficult, but not impossible, for a man and woman to be just friends, especially when both are single. Having another person around is a good idea, to help keep things casual. If you reach a point where you start to have romantic feelings, or believe that she does, then I would quickly back off. I made the mistake recently of actually going on a date, and realized within 5 minutes what a terrible idea it was. I felt guilty the entire time I was with her, and although I enjoyed the company, I simply couldn't relax. To make matters worse, I could tell that she was extremely interested in me. Fortunately, nothing intimate happened, unless you count a hug goodbye as intimate. I texted the very next day telling her that it was a mistake and I am not emotionally ready to date anyone right now. She was actually very cool with it and thanked me for my honesty. We are still texting but doubt I will spend any more one on one time with her.
Good luck with moving forward on the D. Remember, that doesn't mean anything other than a legal status. It has nothing to do with how you and W feel about each other. I've been dragging feet as well but plan on going ahead with my own in next couple of months. There are plenty of stories where people still get back together after a D. Hang in there buddy, you're doing great.
Me 47 W 42 T 24 yrs M 18 yrs W living with OM BD1: 3/7/2015 (A with OM#1) BD2: 4/11/2015 (A with OM#2, W moves out) WW filed for D, papers received 9/18/2015. Meeting to determine child custody 9/29/2015.
Dwh, Thanks for the encouragement. I feel pretty safe for tomorrow's get together as her literal girlfriend will be there. She's just an old classmate from college. As far as D is concerned, it seems inevitable now. Just staying the course and being a rock star dad for my kids.
Journaling: TM exchange with STBX from this morning...
Her: D4 had such a good weekend with you. She really likes the science museum. Thanks for being the best dad ever. Me: (an hour later) We had a great time STBX: (immediate response) Awww.
I just spoke some more with my attorney and she had very nice things to say about the guy you chose. (Note: STBX bashed my L on Friday, calling him a misogynist.)
I guess her paralegal had the wrong idea about him.
Me: Oh ok
STBX: She said he's a family man. ----- Kind of a weird exchange with STBX when I FaceTimed with kids tonight. She seemed mellow, even sad, and was overly inquisitive about my weekend with the kids. Apparently, D4 mentioned to STBX that she was with her friends over the weekend. This must have piqued STBX's curiosity about her old friends. She mentioned about how she missed them. She was asking about her old friends and if they had anything new going on. I just responded nonchalantly and tried to steer the conversation back to the kids. I just kept smiling and kept a PMA. She knew I was out at dinner so she wished me a good night and I did the same.
Anyway, met up with a buddy for happy hour. Plan on watching an action flick and try to work up the motivation to get my paperwork together for the financial affidavit.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
Maybe I am being a greenhorn here, but have you read the DR chapter about "act as if" recently?
You seem to have accepted what you see as inevitable yet, if you think about it, there are small signs of something different. Why did they happen and how could you create more of them. One thing I have picked up from the book is that it's never too late, the fog could lift at any time, even the darkest hour...
Feel free to ignore me, this is all new stuff to me and I'm a bit of a kid in a candy store ATM.
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
Beagley, Thanks for the perspective. I agree with you that my sitch, and any other sitch, could turn at a moments notice. And I have continued to apply the DB principles. However, the inevitability I speak of is probably more of a psychological coping mechanism. Telling myself that D is inevitable is helping me get to the acceptance stage of grief. I need to convince myself that I will be just fine even if my marriage fails, as it clearly has up to this point.
But you are right, I could probably stand to learn a few more things from a DR reread.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
I am watching your every post and think you are doing so well. It seems to me like there is alot of hope in your sitch....even if the D happens.
I know how hard it is to stay positive and have no expectations. I am so new to this and always look at your sitch to see what/how you are doing.
Stay the course...It isn't over and she is giving you nice interactions, even if it is about lawyers and stuff.
T14 M5 SD15,D8,S6,D3 "Not Happy" 12/11/14 EA discovered 2/11/15 MC started 2/17/15 MC "put on hold" 4/3/15 W IC started 4/5/15 PA admitted 5/7/15 WW moves out 5/8/15 WW gets her own place 7/15/15
Agree with the others. Honest, I would love to have some of the exchanges you are having right now. Your W seems genuinely interested in your life. I thought I had that for a few weeks, until I realized it was extreme cake eating, and she really had no interest in me, other than as a friend and source of financial support. When the money stopped, so did her interest in me. It's only been a couple of weeks, but almost total lights out so I'm not feeling very optimistic right now. You seem to be doing well and have reason to feel slightly optimistic, but play it cool. As you know, everything can change on a moment's notice. Hang in there brother.
Me 47 W 42 T 24 yrs M 18 yrs W living with OM BD1: 3/7/2015 (A with OM#1) BD2: 4/11/2015 (A with OM#2, W moves out) WW filed for D, papers received 9/18/2015. Meeting to determine child custody 9/29/2015.
