Hey Luke, in the vein of keeping it real with you..I wanted to ask you something. What do you want? Don't answer quickly. Think about it.
Secondly, I get the boundary setting. I happen to think boundaries are healthy, but, here's the thing about them - they have to be to protect you. They cant be a threat or a punishment. Now I am not saying that's what you are doing because I don't mindread (see what I did there? - ;)).
They have to be clear and concise and you have to mean it. If the boundary is crossed, you have to be ready to die on that hill...otherwise it is just a threat, ya know?
So, what is the boundary exactly? What has to happen that will cause you to walk away completely and finally because that's what you are saying?
Isn't it fun, the relationship you and I have?
uR ... R meaning real as usual
This is to protect me, to protect myself from ever being blindsided. If I were out to punish I would pull the No OM2 as 'friends' card ... which she was worried about (Past experience about 13 years after.)
This was not/has not been out of the blue, when she first approached me and wanted to work on the M, the "I will do anything" I had a few non-negotiables and I even suggested she had 5 so we could be open and on the same page.
1- NC OM 2- MC 3- No more lies/deceit/secret lives 4- I will not go back to the loveless/sexless M (But understand this one takes time ... and we have been working on this area slowly) 5- Full Transparency
When we discussed it I told her that secrets would not work out for me, and she did ask "are you done you will divorce me then" I told her yes, if Open/Honestly and no secrets was a deal breaker for her it was not something I was willing to go forward with from this point on ... we both had secrets for the tail end of M-1.0 and look where it landed us, I would not make that same mistake twice. She did tell me it was not a deal breaker so we seemed to at the least agree on that .... though she did pout a bit yesterday about it, I took the 'get over it or don't' route and figured either way I was going to be fine .... it is that important to me.
I should share .. this was not a spur of the moment discussion for me, it had been building for some time. I was just looking for the right time/place to address it without letting emotions cloud things for me. I honestly thought it would wait another 2 weeks ... our next Post session this weekend is about Trust and Forgiveness ... (yes I look ahead) so I thought get into that, we do the homework and I would have a chance to share how I feel then ... turns out This was just as good a time to discuss it as any and I felt I did so from a good place, firm but not punitive as you mentioned.
The irony of this all .. .I thought I would be more worried about OM trying to weasel back in, but I'm not ... I did touch on this with her asking what would happen if he did contact her and she said "NO" right off the bat and said she would delete it ... I pointed out this was not what I wanted, I want her to tell me about it and not hide things .... it still feels MLCish, like a teen hiding things just because that's what they have done, I told her I would be more upset about that then the actual act. Seemed to get my point across when I used a S scenario as an example.
Things seemed to have mellowed out, W TM some pics of her new suit for the interview tomorrow, offered to pick up S so we can meet up for the beach walk we have put off for a few days .... she also wants a friendly bet (Loser buys an expensive dinner) to see who can drop body fat .... I think I will win if I could just channel that effective BD-Diet that really worked so well.
