I need some help wrapping my mind around MC. We haven't had an appointment in 3 weeks because of vacation. Things are getting better. I am GAL, doing 180's, taking better care of myself. Working on STFU. H is communicating more, calling, and doing more around the house. Still won't say he loves me, or that he has any role in our problems, still thinks I have destroyed his life (well I assume he still thinks this, he hasn't told me otherwise.) I still have no idea if we are going to work this out or not, all depends on H at this point.
So. MC is tomorrow. I do NOT trust this counselor. He gets great reviews online, and even my IC told me she has heard great things about him. But he seems to blame me for every thing and is not positive or forward moving. Every time I leave there I feel worse. H likes him and this is the only time we talk about our R, so I feel like we need to continue.
In our last session, counselor said he has seen hundreds of women in my position and I am doing better than most. He asked H if he thought so, and H seemed genuinely confused that I had anything to be coping with. Because of course, it is all about him. Then the counselor said something about the EA, and how I failed his test by giving H an ultimatum and controlling that situation, and said "it wasn't a REAL affair, it was a friendship, and you controlled him" ????? Said it wasn't outside of work and I told him, yes it was, he even left my kids home alone to go see her, texted her all night, etc. I believe we "got it" before it turned into a PA, but it was VERY real especially to H, he even admitted that before we started counseling. So here we are. I pretty much am over the EA (or maybe I am kidding myself???), I haven't brought it up in 2 months but the counselor does, and only to attack me and accuse me of being controlling. I don't really understand. Is he trying to get us to deal with this? Or does he really believe I am so controlling that I deserve to suffer through betrayal as a payback?
Actually I heard him tell H a few times to end it, so I know he doesn't truly believe that it was harmless. I don't want to talk about the EA. She already had enough attention, I want to focus on the marriage. I want to encourage H to check back in, I want to learn skills how to move forward, how to understand each other, etc., I don't want to hash out old problems, especially now that I see so much hope.
But H keeps saying I am controlling and so I feel like I need to go with the flow. His example was that I asked him to ask his dad to move his car when it was blocking our mailbox instead of directly asking his dad????? Also when his parents asked if they could take the boys on a cruise, I asked for the dates and location before I said yes. It pretty much boils down to he thinks I controlled his relationship with his parents. I do not believe that I have, but I can and have been backing off and letting him and them do their own thing without comment since BD.
So what do I say/do in counseling? I think we are at a good point now to start working on our marriage, but H could still be very easily scared away. Do I just go along with whatever the counselor says to show that I am cooperative and not controlling? The counselor said something about resolving our past conflicts and I said I don't think we can go back and resolve 25 years of conflicts, but we can resolve what is happening now and resolve things as they happen in the future, and he said not everyone can do that. H said he cannot, he has to go back and resolve the past. So do I sit there and rehash 25 years of conflicts just to go along with this? I am beyond frustrated and scared to death that I am going to mess this up.
