mlc rut

[pbetra]

Hi there,

been popping by recently but not long enough to stay. Still trying to work out transitioning ... Having an income has certainly helped. Working on new (!!) project although not large - am very grateful!

In any event, now that I can think a 'teenie weenie' bit clearer, been trying to prevent some of the things I went through, in terms of security & peace of mind!!

I do not want a repeat of recent events - not just the mlc aspect.
( btw h comes & goes - more on that in a bit ).

preparing for the 'next wave of hardship' as this income is a bit 'sporadic'. Not saying that there will hardship, be but preparing.

• 1st of all, I am saving.

• I am also aggressively looking for similar projects (esp. since I am less fatigued & can absorb the info. as well as better collate me thoughts)

wondered how can I do this now? But not b 4? re overall improved planning

• I let go tight grip nf rope

• am sleeping a little better (although this still needs improvement! All in good time I guess) - am choosing what to worry about at this point & that's not one of them!

• Try to nap during day when I can (instead of attending to that 'last load of laundry' etc where I was just 'running on automatic.' Taking advantage of school holiday re naps etc. I dont have to help C. w/ homework after school, clohting for school, lunch /snack prep. ...

1st thing I bought with pay check was:

• vitamins

• omega 3s

• milk thistle ( liver impurities can hamper energy, thinking, overall health as you know)

• natural sleep aid advised to me by helper (who works for doctor)

2 capsules were 2 much initially but it worked - I can get up during night re parent and still (!!!) return to sleep!! With the others, I couldn't do that. I do not take every night either, just when really exhausted.
Am not a pill popper. There are too many toxics in food, meds etc & we should all be viligent.


2nd thing I did with paycheck > activities w/child, C!!!

I spent a lot BUT boy oh boy did we have fun, do a lot together!! It was absolutely wonderful, (!!!) all the outings & time spent together.

Had 1 image 'come to me' as we passed location I knew h frequented (while on a bus w/C) I got lost in the scene as I was looking at, but for only a few secs. followed by a strange sadness & disconnect (?), before discarding the thought. 'Returned to the moment' enjoying the plans w/C. No such reoccurances took place after that one - weird how mind works.


For years, the kids used to come over to play and I started that again for C. The energy & love from these little buggers I find 'disguistingly therapeutic' & they really DO love me. I feel it as they express it openly. Love ignites love - we all benefit. They are even good around parent & vice versa. I bought the instant brownie mixes etc (to make life easy for me re prep. time) Planning a sleep over before school starts - for a few of them. I am sooo excited! (probably more so than they are - 'hilarious'!!


3rd thing I wanted to do w/ with pay check > get clothing:
I didn't get to buy much clolhing. My stuff although tidy, looks a bit worn, old. I did get 2 inexpensive tops 'as starters' They are bright & colorful too!

No biggie though, there's always next time. I would rather always spend on EXPERIENCE than 'things' anyway. The clothes look great bu tit is the experience I feel - remember and can recall when I need.

Hope that I continue to get work occasionally. If I don't at least, I got a break from the assault of one thing after another. I often think Im not so special to go through life issue free - but I do NEED to come up for air sometime. Didnt feel that way for a while & it was getting to me.


I think I just needed some SPACE & PEACE for a period of time. Some breathing room ya know? Some sleep ...

h / prior to today & my reaction
h spent long periods of time away, got a place (dont think its long term though) Kept coming back & often re: C. H left $$ for C. to enjoy specific summer park events while visiting family for summer ( which was nice).

He continues to be consistently aggressive re pursuit / intimacy when around. All cake eating, entitlement of course. I avoid meeting but with C it is not always possible, & sometimes C wants me there (as not always comfortable w/ h).

I continued to be considtently stubborn in spite of intimidation for intimacy. So many of past (raging) experiences began again ... BUT I didn't cave in this time round even though I was scared - won't lie (shh) He is very intimidating & he knows how to be so effectively w/me, but I did not budge from my stance. I used to just give in to 'end it all' avoid the confrontation, restore peace.

Since my last post there was a big impact episode - I didnt care what happened. I stood my ground & went dark after that, didnt give a ' ' ... I stood not for M as in marriage, I stood FOR M - "ME"

Sometimes, I see the sadness on his face - but these events (his) are transient anyway. I know nothing has changed. I feel a bit like the WAS now. Had this happened before, I would have jumped at the chance since he was 'trying'. I think that my timidity must have been annoying for h - but it still doesn't make it right.


stretching boundaries
feel ok, but not completely relaxed as yet. I know i am far from being "out of the woods." Still have rivers to cross, wild animals, danger at night before getting through. Every now & then the thought does frighten me - I don't have experience re these things (but that IS one way to get experience right?!)

fear
What interferes with my (consistent) progress is fear - it's automatic. Got to train the 'good ole amygdala'. Didn't fully realize how beaten down I was ... on some level "sure," but not to the extent (& there's still more fear bubbling up) uh uh

I would like to get some GOOD resources re fear - anyone know of ???
Personal opinion? I have resources from forum re depression, abandonment ... apart from mlc related subjects here, but nothing on fear. Maybe I forgot? I haven't come across here re some of the threads I saved.

Well, 'that's all folks' p.