Anxiously waiting for it to fall apart

[dejavu2]

Job and HaWho -- Thanks for your kind words. Always uplifting to see comments in the midst of this craziness.

MLC Dance!!!
Who is going to decide which dance we are going to perform?
Who is going to lead?

H has now been in the USA for about 3 weeks. He is keeping very busy with a consulting gig. I can tell he is loving working again and is getting great satisfaction from it therefore his self-esteem seems to be improving. Our conversations are very infrequent; however he is making an effort to speak with the kids daily (huge change from before Nov).

We have a history of revisiting solutions regarding issues within our relationship. We are back to revisiting the idea of the divorce. I am not certain why I thought the divorce process would be any different. The paperwork has been filed in the courts in the UK, which was the placeholder I was hoping to secure for now.

He keeps saying that "he wants it all to stop" and "doesn't know how to fix it". I am sure he is correct about both things. I sent him an email which reiterated what I said many times, including the fact that we need to take a look at the fact that a divorce may not solve our problems and it will create huge problems. I am not certain but something made him actually begin to hear the message and he said "it sounds like you don't want a divorce and you want to work on us". (ARGHHHHH --- I have been saying that since February). I was polite about it and just agreed.

Meanwhile, our son is staying with our friends in NH while H is working in NY. The friends know about the situation, the friend husband has decided to push the life issue with my husband and encouraged our family to go on vacation to a lake house in NH. My H has refused to go on a family holiday for the past 6 years -- not for any good reason, just to be stubborn. H has finally said the idea of a family vacation would be nice. I cautiously asked if he wanted it to be the 5 of us, to which he said yes.

He hasn't been clear about what he wants from the relationship or changes he is willing to make. He is only clear that he isn't certain he wants a divorce. So I am not leaping for joy thinking this is all behind us.

To test where his head is, I sent him a clear question about how to pay a credit card bill as it involves moving funds from country to country -- I have not got an acknowledgement nor suggestion in return. So, I gather he is still lost somewhere.

I made a big mistake and called him on Sat 4p his time (after 9p my time) as girls were heading off to camp the next day and communication is tricky. So, I called him and asked about his day to which he replied that he hadn't been up to much, but was heading out to a BBQ. I pointed out that the girls hadn't heard from him and the communications issue with camp. I didn't lecture, I just questioned him if he was going to speak to the girls. He became very frustrated, stressed and became a little boy who was powerless with his parent. It was interesting to see.
I have been trying to 180 on his communication/involvement with the kids. I had been trying to let him be the hero or villain to the children without my involvement. Sent him a note later saying I should not have gotten involved. Kicking myself for messing up that 180.

The big news is - I was finally able to get my wedding ring off! I had put on weight over the past 4 years as I was eating my rejection. I have been making diet/exercise a bigger priority and was thrilled when I realised I could finally get my ring off, although with a lot of force! I was worried about putting it on/getting it off again, so I have chosen to put it away for now as he isn't here to see it anyway. As it gets closer to seeing him again, I will evaluate whether I want the ring off or on. For now it just feels great to have the option be mine!

The house is now on the market and we have had a few viewings. It is such a disappointment to complete the project without having the fun of entertaining and enjoying the house. Nothing is going to happen quickly this summer (and I have no idea where I would move anyway) - so no rush. Trying to get a BBQ sorted with some friends this week.