Thanks Gogofo, I am trying to keep perspective on what is positive and I should be thankful that there's plenty more then negatives.
I am also completely dark, and as you said I also find much easier without any contact.
Went to the Brazilian band event last Friday with some friends. It was fun and in the same time I felt very empty. I guess I just need to keep going and eventually it will all fall into place and be more peaceful inside of me.
Have been with some trouble not regarding H itself. I know well I want him as far as possible these days. But I find myself wondering around rejection.
My IC said that this are also the main issues from my childhood and it is normal to get stock in those feeling again. He also said that I am a leader with a strong personality and that I make things harder for myself because I want everything resolved fast and clean. He just keep saying that D is not something that gets resolved overnight.
Hi Toots, thanks for all your support and encouragement. Had a good cry yesterday. It somehow cleans the house once in a while. It realizes some pressure and keeps me going.
Hi Jim, indeed it is a tough road and you know well my friend. Regarding being an example, I think most of the time I have been holding it all together and my boys are getting a lot more confident that life will go on and we won't starve...boys, you know, they always think if they will have the hamburger on the grill tomorrow.
Here are some of what is going on right now:
1.Going full time in my job starting August 3rd. 2.Setting up my own bank account, savings, car and house insurance, utilities. 3.The kids and I have been penciling some budget, but this week we have a meeting schedule for us four to go on the budget details and finalize it. 4.S15 start football practices in august, every day work out. 5.S17 is getting his driving permit (poor thing, got all delayed). 6.S17 is looking into college and soon we will start scheduling some visits on the local ones (Colorado state)for him to get an idea. 7.Finally have a time schedule to get all the equipment we need for him to do a home music recording. 8.School is around the corner, so get some school shopping this week. 9.Sitting with the bank this week to find out what are the requirements for refinancing the house only on my name, as determined by law a year after the D. 10.Have a painting project with S15. We are adding another earth color to two walls in the first floor, I think it will give us a boost and the house will look a little different too. 11.S15 and I will paint two benches that are not looking so good right now. 12.Need to get the garage organized till the end of the summer, with the help of the three boys. 13.GAL... I am still going to the gym as much as possible. There are plenty of concerts around since it is summer time, so we go whatever sounds better. Keep the samba fresh... Friday night, if I am in a mood, not too tired. Have Zumba class on Saturday morning. Hiking with some friends. Colorado has some beautiful places to walk. Want to go back to school, feel really strong about it. So I am researching my choices right now.
I guess the boys and I will be very busy for the next few weeks of summer.
Tomorrow 7/21, is XH birthday. At first I tough about sending him a TM whishing him a Happy B-Day, but I am not feeling like it anymore. Fill it is best to just LET GO on this one.
