Last night my H brought up me refusing to ML... he was hurt by it & took it as me not wanting to work on the marriage. it was like he saw it as him reaching out to me to try and work on the relationship. I explained that I wasn't rejecting him, I would very much like to ML w/ him & that he is all I want... but that I do want all of him. And while knowing he is in contact w/ the OW, I have to set that boundary. Why did I leave that conversation feeling bad?! I guess b/c I do not want to reject him as he does suffer from low self-esteem... but at the same time, it is not ok what he is doing. He said that he is not one to sleep w/ someone who he does not have strong feelings for & has never been that way. I guess this was supposed to reassure me that he has strong feelings for me?
T: 14 M: 12 D: 9 S: 6 BD: 2/18/15 (H affair) Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15 Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15 H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15 H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
I got an email from the cel phone company a few minutes ago saying the online access password was updated. Not sure what that is about. After he got so mad at me, he changed the password & restricted access so I could not look at the phone bill. He also cancelled the phone tracking I had on his phone.
I'm wondering if he is either ready to let me have access again & changed the password so he could give it to me (wishful thinking) or if he is just nervous I have accessed the account and is updating the password to something else to restrict my access if I found a way. Not sure. I guess I should wait & see if he says anything rather than forwarding him the email & asking him about it.
He also said last night when he was telling me about his plans for the financial situation, he also said that he would be splitting our cel phone accounts so that they would not be together. Why was he so back & forth?? Acting like we are moving towards a bad place but also talking like we might work it all out. I am so confused as to where he is.
T: 14 M: 12 D: 9 S: 6 BD: 2/18/15 (H affair) Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15 Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15 H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15 H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
Because you love him, and he's also very adept at playing on your emotions and turning himself into the victim here. I thought you did just fine, and it's appropriate considering where things stand that you are taking this ML stance based on your HEAD and not just your HEART.
I got an email from the cel phone company a few minutes ago saying the online access password was updated. Not sure what that is about. After he got so mad at me, he changed the password & restricted access so I could not look at the phone bill. He also cancelled the phone tracking I had on his phone.
I'm wondering if he is either ready to let me have access again & changed the password so he could give it to me (wishful thinking) or if he is just nervous I have accessed the account and is updating the password to something else to restrict my access if I found a way. Not sure. I guess I should wait & see if he says anything rather than forwarding him the email & asking him about it.
He also said last night when he was telling me about his plans for the financial situation, he also said that he would be splitting our cel phone accounts so that they would not be together. Why was he so back & forth?? Acting like we are moving towards a bad place but also talking like we might work it all out. I am so confused as to where he is.
While he's saying all sorts of things that he thinks will SOUND good (and sympathetic) to you, his ACTIONS are mostly those of moving towards LESS transparency, not more.
DB teaches us to measure a wayward or walkaway spouse by their ACTIONS, and not their WORDS. It is the BETRAYED spouse who should be taking more control of the finances, not the CHEATING spouse (and he's got that backwards), and it's the cheating spouse who should be more transparent, not less (and he's got that backwards too).
From where I set in the cheap seats, hopeOK, I see some good and some bad about the recent conversations and actions. The good part is, he's reeling and you've let it be known to him that you're not just going to sit there and be okay with him still being in contact with his OW. The bad part is how he's reacted to that, and the moves he's making. I see him playing on your emotions while pulling financial and secrecy strings to try to keep you from knowing his business.
Yeah. Speaking of him turning himself into the victim ...
I'll admit that I haven't read you sitch with a fine-tooth comb, hope. But I'm unsettled by the dynamic I'm reading. He cheated on you and you have proof of that, right? Your H continues to deflect blame. And you seem to continue accepting (too much of) it.
Can you remind me what this situation is that he keeps referring to when he blames YOU? You seem to be apologizing for it, but I must have missed exactly what you did that he says hurt him so bad.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
Well... I was able to set up a new password & an access code which I have not been able to do since he set about making all the changes. So either he is getting ready to get a new account for himself or he is giving me access to reassure.
T: 14 M: 12 D: 9 S: 6 BD: 2/18/15 (H affair) Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15 Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15 H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15 H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
Well... I was able to set up a new password & an access code which I have not been able to do since he set about making all the changes. So either he is getting ready to get a new account for himself or he is giving me access to reassure.
Give him 24 hours and see if he tells you what's going on. I suspect he's going about giving you access to an account he no longer cares if you see or not. Whether or not that's because he's agreeing to no more OW contact, or whether he's moving that contact to another channel, remains to be seen.
Well I've gone through all the calls & texts on the account. None w/ the OW number. However, there are a bunch of texts & some calls (one 14 min long) w/ a co-worker that I saw he recently friended on fb. She is a very attractive girl. He left his fb signed in one day & I saw where he had searched for her like 6 times in one day. Then they became friends. I unfriended her on his fb w/o him knowing. I saw a couple days later that he had searched for her twice after I had unfriended them. So I'm sure he was wondering what happened & thinking she dissed him. Maybe that was wrong of me but ah well. So not sure if this is all business or if there is more to it.
Another call that occurred once was to a girl that he knew from a previous job... 8 minutes long, he called her. This particular girl i had no idea about until after the affair was discovered & he gave me complete access to his phone. I saw that there was a message from her on an email account that he didn't use much... her telling him that she was about to get married & had a weird eye twitch going on. He told her she was just nervous & that she'd be fine. Nothing going on from that email but from the fact that he was emailing w/ her on that account that he didn't use normally and that she was contacting him about being nervous about getting married made me question it. When I asked him about it, he admitted that she had flirted with him at work, he gave her his email & they flirted that way (this was years ago he said). She offered sex he declined. This is what he is telling me. Who knows what really happened & it did really bother me when I found out. I just decided to let it go... I knew about an actual affair & we were working to heal that wound at the time.
SO.... he has clearly made some questionable choices. And apparently he is emailing with the OW rather than texting.
So what should I do if he says nothing after 24 hrs?
T: 14 M: 12 D: 9 S: 6 BD: 2/18/15 (H affair) Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15 Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15 H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15 H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
Because you love him, and he's also very adept at playing on your emotions and turning himself into the victim here. I thought you did just fine, and it's appropriate considering where things stand that you are taking this ML stance based on your HEAD and not just your HEART.
Starsky
Yes, he is very good at manipulating me, I feel. Ugh.
T: 14 M: 12 D: 9 S: 6 BD: 2/18/15 (H affair) Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15 Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15 H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15 H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
I got an email from the cel phone company a few minutes ago saying the online access password was updated. Not sure what that is about. After he got so mad at me, he changed the password & restricted access so I could not look at the phone bill. He also cancelled the phone tracking I had on his phone.
I'm wondering if he is either ready to let me have access again & changed the password so he could give it to me (wishful thinking) or if he is just nervous I have accessed the account and is updating the password to something else to restrict my access if I found a way. Not sure. I guess I should wait & see if he says anything rather than forwarding him the email & asking him about it.
He also said last night when he was telling me about his plans for the financial situation, he also said that he would be splitting our cel phone accounts so that they would not be together. Why was he so back & forth?? Acting like we are moving towards a bad place but also talking like we might work it all out. I am so confused as to where he is.
While he's saying all sorts of things that he thinks will SOUND good (and sympathetic) to you, his ACTIONS are mostly those of moving towards LESS transparency, not more.
DB teaches us to measure a wayward or walkaway spouse by their ACTIONS, and not their WORDS. It is the BETRAYED spouse who should be taking more control of the finances, not the CHEATING spouse (and he's got that backwards), and it's the cheating spouse who should be more transparent, not less (and he's got that backwards too).
From where I set in the cheap seats, hopeOK, I see some good and some bad about the recent conversations and actions. The good part is, he's reeling and you've let it be known to him that you're not just going to sit there and be okay with him still being in contact with his OW. The bad part is how he's reacted to that, and the moves he's making. I see him playing on your emotions while pulling financial and secrecy strings to try to keep you from knowing his business.
My two cents.
Starsky
Yes! I've definitely caught on to this. I have mostly be thinking- well he is sending mixed signals but what is he showing me?? Other than me being able to access the account, nothing. And that wasn't even a "I want to reassure you that I am not going to be talking w/ OW so here is access." it is just from an email I got from the phone company that I don't even know he realizes they sent to me. So I am really just thinking of sitting back & waiting to see if he provides any actions to coincide with the positive things he said.
T: 14 M: 12 D: 9 S: 6 BD: 2/18/15 (H affair) Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15 Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15 H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15 H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
