Heading toward affair- what to do?

[hopeOK]

Weird unexpected conversation last night. He approached me for it. He started out by saying he was going to have to be on call every 3rd week & would have the on call phone. He said he won't be able to help getting texts & calls & such & that it is all work related. (I got the feeling that he was trying to reassure me that he wasn't talking to the OW via the on call phone which I find weird b/c I've never been suspicious of that phone, only his personal phone.)

Then he went on to talk about his fear that I was going to go clear out the bank account & that he had withdrawn $2000 in case he needed it for a lawyer. He then started to talk about setting up another account & just giving me cash for the things I needed to buy (groceries & such). He hasn't done this yet... so not sure if he really intends to follow this through. I told him I had no intention of clearing out the bank account (which I don't).

We went back through the event that sent us off the track of recovery. He is still really hurt by it & cried a couple times. I so tried to show empathy and use validating statements but I screwed up a few times, turning the conversation back to me and interrupting (ugh. when will I learn how to really listen!). That caused him to react pretty badly but with a lot of struggle on my part, I managed to get him back engaged in the conversation. I think we might have made a little progress on this topic where we have not ever been able to... he has always left the conversation about this event still hurt and angry, maybe even more than when he started! I apparently have not been sending the message that I am sorry for his pain and showing understand the place he is in about it.

The conversation also went to this OW. I reaffirmed my position that it is not ok for him to have any type of relationship w/ her besides a professional one (I even outlined what a professional one would look like & what it wouldn't look like so there would be no confusion). I told him that I knew he had been talking with her outside of a professional relationship & that it was incredibly disrespectful to me as his wife, to his children, and to his position at work. He admitted to knowing it was wrong to initiate talking to her but he felt justified (this I knew). He apologized for taking off his ring & said that he did it because he felt like I was just not getting the seriousness of what I said. (If what I said got out, it could affect him professionally as well as personally in regards to his kids.)

He also told me that he felt like if he kept me at an arms length, he could keep me in a spot where I was careful not to mess up & do the same kind of thing I did. And he said if he kept his distance, I also wouldn't hurt him as badly. But then he said he doesn't like living like this. He doesn't want a divorce, he wants the kids to have an intact home. But he doesn't know how to proceed with his lack of trust in regards to what I will carelessly say or do. (My defense for what I said to my sister about this was that I wasn't really thinking about the ramifications of if what I said got out.)

So... I have no idea where we are. I know he was being super nice this weekend, even cooked dinner. I think he was nervous about what I was planning to do when I told him I would be adjusting my actions accordingly. But he is not in place to just drop the wall and let his guard down. So lots of work there.

He also gave me a better excuse for where he went on Friday... but still not sure I buy it. I have a huge lack of trust for things he tells me in regards to potential cheating. So I guess I'm going to wait and see what he does to try to assure me that nothing is going on. I am not going to make demands at this point, I think that will come later when he is for sure showing signs that he wants our relationship to get better. At this point, I am not really sure what he wants. He is saying a bunch of mixed things, has a lot of anger towards me still, and has yet to make any changes like putting his wedding ring back on.

I guess I am glad that he initiated a relationship conversation, even if it was a rough one that was up & down and had no real conclusion of what we are going to do. I guess it is a start. I feel better about going on vacation & sitting back & seeing what happens. I know he has a lot to heal but I also have a lot to heal & need a lot of reassurances that he is not involved w/ the OW. We are very far from achieving this.