I spoke to my wife for about 30 minutes late last evening. She told me about the things the realtor had told her reference selling the house. She told me that she had spoken to the lawyer and was getting the paperwork ready. I asked a few questions. How long? What does it entail?, etc. I tried to play it as "detached" as possible, but my heart was coming through my chest.
As the conversation started to wind down, she said something that threw me into "panic mode". She said "So are you finally giving up?" I tried to remain cool. I told her that I was not necessarily giving up, but that I have realized I cannot change the choice she is making. I told her that I did not want this to happen. I went into how I have genuinely changed: been working out, continuing to lose weight, reconnecting with friends, going out and having fun, meeting with the counselor, and finally starting to feel better about myself, no matter what happens. She didn't say much. We said goodbye and that was that.
I was a wreck after we hung up. I went to finish some laudry, read the rest of the DR book and a few chapters in my Bible to get ready for bed. I sent my kids the usual good night text. Against my better judgement, I also sent a "Good night." to my wife. I did that every night for two weeks after she kicked me out, but stopped doing it about two weeks ago. She didn't respond. I went to sleep.
At 1:00am, I was woken up by my phone ringing. She was calling me. I obviously answered because I was worried that something bad had happened. She was crying. She wanted me to come to the house. I went.
I got there and she was in bed. I sat beside the bed and talked to her for a few minutes. She said she was scared. Wasn't sure how she was feeling. Was worried she was making a mistake. Her new job has been so stressful and this is adding so much to that. I tried to remain detached, but I love her. I asked if I could lie on the bed next to her and she agreed. We talked for about an hour, mostly me. I didn't beg or plead, I tried to explain my new self. I told her I thought we should try to make our marriage work, but we couldn't just jump back into it. I said we could take it slow. Maybe start out with a goal of just talking to each other once a day. No pressure, no commitment. Eventually maybe we could go out and do something together and just kind of see where it goes from there. I asked her about her thoughts, but she wasn't sharing much. Just like she said before, she was scared that she was making a mistake. This has been very hard for her. She is afraid to let me back in.
After about an hour, I told her I needed to go back to the place I am staying, since I had to work in the morning. She seemed surprised that I was going to leave and said I should just stay and then get up early to go get ready for work. I agreed. We held each other for a while and fell asleep.
I woke up this morning and it seemed like a dream at first. As I was leaving. she reached out to me and we hugged and I gave her a small kiss on the head. I simply said "think positive thoughts" and left.
I don't know if this whole episode was good or bad. I'm so lost. I will probably see her again tonight when I go to pick up and/or drop off my girls. I think God is answering my prayers, but I just don't know what to do.
I spoke to my wife for about 30 minutes late last evening. She told me about the things the realtor had told her reference selling the house. She told me that she had spoken to the lawyer and was getting the paperwork ready. I asked a few questions. How long? What does it entail?, etc. I tried to play it as "detached" as possible, but my heart was coming through my chest.
As the conversation started to wind down, she said something that threw me into "panic mode". She said "So are you finally giving up?" I tried to remain cool. I told her that I was not necessarily giving up, but that I have realized I cannot change the choice she is making. I told her that I did not want this to happen. I went into how I have genuinely changed: been working out, continuing to lose weight, reconnecting with friends, going out and having fun, meeting with the counselor, and finally starting to feel better about myself, no matter what happens. She didn't say much. We said goodbye and that was that.
You can state you position on the D as you did, that's fine. Nothing wrong with saying "D is not what I want, but I respect your feelings and will not stand in your way". You do not need to state all your changes, when you go into how much you have changes it comes across as only being done to get them back. Its better for them to see them over time as consistent actions, much more believable.
I was a wreck after we hung up. I went to finish some laudry, read the rest of the DR book and a few chapters in my Bible to get ready for bed. I sent my kids the usual good night text. Against my better judgement, I also sent a "Good night." to my wife. I did that every night for two weeks after she kicked me out, but stopped doing it about two weeks ago. She didn't respond. I went to sleep.
Not the best, but you already knew not to do it.
At 1:00am, I was woken up by my phone ringing. She was calling me. I obviously answered because I was worried that something bad had happened. She was crying. She wanted me to come to the house. I went.
Understandable, you don't want to be available for her but emergencies are different. Its hard sometimes to figure out which is which.
I got there and she was in bed. I sat beside the bed and talked to her for a few minutes. She said she was scared. Wasn't sure how she was feeling. Was worried she was making a mistake. Her new job has been so stressful and this is adding so much to that. I tried to remain detached, but I love her. I asked if I could lie on the bed next to her and she agreed. We talked for about an hour, mostly me. I didn't beg or plead, I tried to explain my new self. I told her I thought we should try to make our marriage work, but we couldn't just jump back into it. I said we could take it slow. Maybe start out with a goal of just talking to each other once a day. No pressure, no commitment. Eventually maybe we could go out and do something together and just kind of see where it goes from there. I asked her about her thoughts, but she wasn't sharing much. Just like she said before, she was scared that she was making a mistake. This has been very hard for her. She is afraid to let me back in.
Way to much talking by you. You don't need to tell her of your changes, they seem fake when you do that. Your changes aren't to get her back, they are for you. Let her see those in time. Also, don't assume shes only afraid of letting you back in. She may be torn over you and the EA and is feeling guilty about moving forward with that.
After about an hour, I told her I needed to go back to the place I am staying, since I had to work in the morning. She seemed surprised that I was going to leave and said I should just stay and then get up early to go get ready for work. I agreed. We held each other for a while and fell asleep.
I woke up this morning and it seemed like a dream at first. As I was leaving. she reached out to me and we hugged and I gave her a small kiss on the head. I simply said "think positive thoughts" and left.
I don't know if this whole episode was good or bad. I'm so lost. I will probably see her again tonight when I go to pick up and/or drop off my girls. I think God is answering my prayers, but I just don't know what to do.
Give her space and time, no pressure. You did put quite a bit on here here and tried to fix things. She needs to come to these conclusions and want the M herself. What happened here may or may not lead to anything so don't develop any expectations. You may come back today and she is cold again.
I read up on your sitch yesterday but never got around to replying. I see many similarities in our situation. M to our high school sweethearts, military service(no combat), video game addition, weight issues, self misery/depression. Also in the comments W has made about being being unhappy and not in love anymore. My W is also very social and I am not.
You wont be able to talk your way out of this. You have to make these changes for you and let them be seem by W in her own time.
Something that will become hard to accept, things will get much worse before they get better. Patience is something you will have to develop the hard way. Don't gain expectations that this encounter will lead to anything good because you just don't know right now.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
I agree with what Fogg is saying! She could be testing you to see how real your changes really are. Don't talk about them. As you know, actions speak much louder than words.
Cristy
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Thank you Fogg and cristy for your responses... and I know you are both right. She has just been trying to move the D so fast, and that keeps me on edge and prone to panic mode mistakes.
I did much better today.
I stopped by after work to pick up my two younger girls (and a bonus, my niece! Her sister's daughter had stayed there last night and wanted to tag along. We have always been close). W was not there. I did notice the D paperwork on the counter.
The girls and I had a good couple of hours together. I had fun and was so so so happy to be with them.
W was home when I dropped them off. We had a pretty good hour or so conversation. Didn't discuss "us" at all. She is really stressed over her new job, I just focused on listening and being supportive. I did engage in some conversation from my end, about my work and church, but definitely stayed away from any talk that might be considered "pressure". She had mentioned going to church with a friend and I encouraged her to do that. I maybe stayed just a little longer than I should have because I just enjoy being near her and the conversation seemed to be going well.
Two small, tiny steps toward some of my goals. 1. We had a good conversation. 2. She didn't mention anything about D!
Had a good convo with my pastor when I got home. Just keeping the faith and keeping on the right path.
Honestly, I would still stay away from her. She sounds very indecisive. If you want to reconcile she needs to be fully on board with changing her bad habits just as you are changing yours. She needs to be convincing you that this marriage will be so much better than previously.
It seems like you're doing all the talking.
The plus to all this is that you made it clear your changes are permanent. As time goes on she will believe you.
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
That makes the detaching even more difficult. Plus, I'm afraid that after pushing her so far away, that by detaching, she'll see that as just pushing her away even more.
I wish I had a nickel for every time a LBH has said the above quote.
You cannot imagine the mindset of a WW. This is not the girl you married. So, you cannot talk to her and/or expect to work things out as you did in the past. Can you accept that?
You can't be dangling on the end of a rope just waiting for her to call, and you go running to her. You especially don't talk about all the changes you are making. It's like a little boy saying, "Look at me, look at me. I am being a good boy. Will you come back to me now"?
It doesn't work b/c this is not all about you and your faults. That is why doing all the things she once wanted will not fix things now. Oh, she may continue to use your faults as her excuse, but the stitch has gone beyond that point. She has entered into a different realm and she will need to go through a process to find her way back.
You need to stay out of the way so that she'll go through the process faster. Whenever you respond like you did the other night, it puts you back to square one. You have assured her that you are working hard to get her back. However, that does not get the attention of a WW. You want her to watch you? Then drop the rope and GAL and stop chasing her. She will have to feel that she's losing YOU before she is interested enough to consider staying M to you.
You are scared she'll think you are pushing her away? This is the woman who said she couldn't get away from you fast enough! Have some self-respect and stop running to her when she crooks her finger.
The other night was all about her. It was not about you! She will play the "poor me" card whenever she wants reassurance. In her world, everything is about her. She won't think about you, unless she sees you moving on without her.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
