Walk away wife and my journey

[Fogg]

Thank you

And how do I mange the time

Example I have got most of the day off today and having been away for the weekend I would love for W and I to do something together

You have to get away from thinking of it as time together, its not anymore. Your M is gone, the sooner you realize this the better. I'm not saying this to be an ass or make you give up, but its just reality. It doesn't mean you will never be with her again but your stuck in this mode of being in a M and shes in the mode of having a roommate. Right now that is what you two are, roommates. Shes made it clear she wants to be single. Shes going to live it up for as long as she can and nothing you do will change that. Its out of your control, which is the reason we say to focus on you. What does your coach say about this?

How do I deal with the fact that I have the day off I see this as time ....time that I am not going to get back time that I feel I should spend with the W but she is at a different point to me

For me the only way I could stop seeing it as time together and realize our M was really over for now was to suffer, alot. W became vicious toward me when I began to discover she was having an EA and moving closer to a PA. I confronted what she was doing, she threatened to take the kids away if I didn't move out. I understand you will read this and think "this isn't the case with me" but don't underestimate what your S is capable of. I was basically broken down to the lowest point in my life where change was able to grab hold and stick forever(I hope).

If,I spend the day away from my W doing my things and leave her to do things she wants without me being there I still fail to see how this will bring us closer together

Your looking at doing things with/for her as what will get you closer to being together. What will get you closer to her is to change. To change you have to let her go and focus on you. This doesn't mean move on, just let go. Again, I feel like you might have talked about this with your coach, what did he advice you to do so far? If its distancing than you need to get out and GAL, don't be so available for her.


Her idea for today is for me to keep working on de cluttering the garage so we can move the office to the garage and then we can creat a bedroom in the old office for her ......not exactly my idea of a fun day spent with her and the 2 year old

Whos idea was this mostly, hers? I just worry she has you doing all these things and is basically living life up, no worries. You will continue to do them hoping and praying it brings you closer to her, you keep looking for those signs shes warming up and noticing your changes. Disappointment ahead because if anything does happen such as that, its not likely to be anytime soon. It will take much longer than you think.

I am going to find this extremely difficult any further help would really greatful

Thanks
Gary

I have been reading along for a while and wanted to post before, I had another post wrote out but the browser messed up and I lost it. I notice alot of the same thoughts you have now that I had in the beginning. My W was also basically my high school sweetheart, which looks to be the case. I had issues with being there for W, spending time with the kids, doing my fair share of the chores and also had/have weight issues. One other thing that I feel might be useful since your so desperate to do something that will snap her back and looking at each day as that make all or break all to do it. This will take longer than you think and it may break you down also. It will be difficult. You will get advice on here from everyone and alot of it is great advice, but some of it (even when its very generic and time tested) may not work for you. Don't look at every bit of advice you get from all the posters (yes, even me) and think "if I don't do this I will lose W". Many of us share what may have worked for us, it may not work for you.

[Huddy]

I see a lot of you, in me. 17 weeks in and the process continues. I am seeing very limited improvements, but it ain't time to get the flags out.

OK. So you're doing your best, but W isn't going to come back instantly. You're four weeks in. The pain will get worse before it gets better. Expect W to remember nothing and act as if everything is your fault. Expect to be treated like sh1t for nothing; expect any effort you have made to interact better with your kids to be ignored/unnoticed; expect to be screamed at for no apparent reason; expect legal issues to creep in and finally, expect to feel depressed, lonely, anxious and that the world is going to end.

Right. That's reality sorted out. The best thing you can do is LISTEN to what she says. DO NOT beg or plead - it's an instant turn off. DO NOT row in front of the kids. DO let her have some time and space. Just because she's going out, doesn't mean she's automatically looking for another partner. Finally, DO what works. If you try something, and make a mistake, don't panic, but don't revisit it (I guess you have already broken all these rules - don't sweat we all have).

Keep posting and you'll get good advice and buy the book off Amazon, it'll cost you a few pence secondhand.

[Matt777]

If,I spend the day away from my W doing my things and leave her to do things she wants without me being there I still fail to see how this will bring us closer together

Fogg pretty well nailed it. Read that post a few times.

But, to add, specifically on this. It isn't really that simple. It isn't like if you go to the movies today, your W is going to jump into your arms when you get home.

Think about how you are acting in your relationship with your W right now. Stop me if any of these adjectives aren't right (and I know - I was there) - needy, clingy, over helpful, overnbearing, over interested, mopey, desperate.....and so on.

Ok, now think about if a girl acted like that towards you in say high school. Would you want to DATE that girl? Would you be ATTRACTED to that girl?

So before you have a chance to work on your marriage, you have to fix all that about you. You need to REATTRACT her. The trouble is that change is slow (glacially so). And it's a process. And the first STEP is GAL. How can you possibly change if you're still running your life through your W and are all consumed by your M? You CANT.

SO ITS TIME TO REBUILD THE GHOST THAT ORIGINALLY ATTRACTED YOUR W TO YOU. or hell, an even better one.

Make sense?

[ATPeace]

Fog thank you so much for posting Yes that all makes perfect
Hurry thank you too
Matt as always you have been great

Right now things just seem to be falling about arround me

Last week washing machine and dishwasher packed up today fridge freezer dies

Last week someone drove into the back of me in my car it feels everything that can go wrong is going wrong

Going to get in touch with a couple of friends and see if anyone wants to go out in the next couple of days

[Matt777]

"couple of friends and see if anyone wants to go out in the next couple of days"

This is good. But are there clubs or something you can join? While I love hanging out with my friends, it's hard to really keep me mind off my W when I'm with them. I have found that doing new stuff helps me so much more. Check Meetup or other things to find something new you can do!

[Ontheup]

Ghost are you sure your wife isn't having an affair?

[ATPeace]

Ghost are you sure your wife isn't having an affair?

Why do you say that ? What makes you think this ?

[Ontheup]

I say that based on no evidence other than my own personal experience.
6months before I found out we basically became room mates. So no physical affection at all just drifting further and further away from each and no matter what I did nothing brought us closer together. It was only when I found out that I realised why. Someone posted at the time is my wife having an affair to which I thought was possible but had no proof. It was only when she took her ring off and the same day I duck into her emails that I found the proof I needed. On her phone as well.

I'm not saying this to be hurtful or scare you , it's just something to keep in mind.
You see it so many times on these boards. We want to believe our spouse wouldn't do that to us......they do!

Oh the guy she's having the affair with is a lot older , physically not her type, I thought he was still married (she lied about him being divorced) has kids , is her business partner and also a family friend.

So don't think just because someone doesn't fit the bill that it wouldn't happen

Again I hope I'm very wrong.

[ATPeace]

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#2435116 - 03/03/14 03:31 PM The star is inside of YOU!
ericmsant2 Offline
Member

Registered: 01/11/10
Posts: 2947
Loc: CT/USA
What a great weekend with some amazing friends! Over the weekend, I was thinking about many of you that are here, posting and working sooo hard to save your marriages. I applaud you.

I wanted to share with you some of my thoughts over the past few weeks. Some of this may be a bit of a ramble; however, I believe that some of you may find it useful.

I have entitled this post….. The star is inside of you.

There is no magic bullet, magic pill, set of actions, set of words or specific post that can ensure that your marriage will be saved. Not one. The advice that you receive here will vary. Some will be very related to your specific sitch – some will not. I see a lot of people still focused on your spouse. Still focused on what they do, do not do, say, do not say, act, their actions. I understand this, I was there at one point too. What I feel is missing is the “work” that is needed to FIX YOU. We say often around here…”we didn’t break ‘em so we can’t fix ‘em”. So ask yourself – do you still believe that? Do you? Are you still worrying about every word you say, every step you take, every action you do? Do you still live a life walking on eggshells? Do you live in FEAR? Do you worry if you should leave the bedroom, take off the wedding band, make dinner, do the laundry, go to work? Does you every decision get run through a process where you think…….”what is my spouse gonna think or say”? Do you try and overcompensate for your crazy spouse? Do you do everything for the kids…to protect them? Have you totally devalued yourself? Have you tossed aside your own needs and wants? Do you walk around in guilt? Do you really think that…..that time, 10 years ago that your forgot the cranberry sause on Turkey day that it cause your spouse to wig out? If so, why?

I can go on and on about the stuff people have written, the post I have responded to and have read. Heck I was there too. IMO, the root of all of this is one word.

FEAR

When you come here…you are afraid, afraid of everything your spouse does, is doing, saying, etc. The answer to the issue though is NOT YOUR spouse – it really is YOU!

Stop for a second and ask yourself…..

Why am I afraid my spouse may leave?

Why am I afraid my spouse may divorce me?

Why are you afraid? Can you answer it honestly? Do you understand and know the root of YOUR fear? Yeah..yeah..yeah…I get it…”the kids”, “our family”, “our friends”……”the house”….”the finances”… I get it.

These ^^^ though are SURFACE answers. They do not get at the ROOT of the issue. Why are you so worry about the house? Do you think you will not be able to afford it? Do you think that you will not be able to maintain it? Do you love your neighbors? Do you just love that “woofy” your dog can walk around and all of your neighbor adore him? Stop for one second and ask yourself…… “what do these FEARS say about ME”. Can you see how you are devaluing yourself? Can you see how you may be assuming a deafist attitude? Can you see that in reality…..YOU WANT to CONTROL EVERYTHING.

CONTROL….. we like it. It is safe. It allows us to put everything in a little box. IMO, some levels of control KEEP US STUCK. They keep us from LOOKING INSIDE and facing OUR FEARS. So we cling to them. We figure out nice ways to hide behind them. Do you really think you can control everything? Do you really think that what you do, do not do, say, do not say….will CONTROL how your spouse acts? Now, I am not saying that your actions may not impact someone else. I am not saying that a love and compassion do not help heal, promote happiness, etc. No. What I am saying is that STANDING for your marriage does not mean that YOU ACCEPT that you are treated like dog poop. What I am saying is that YOU cannot spend every waking moment in FEAR of EVERYTHING YOU DO. At the end of the day, you cannot control your spouse. At the end of the day….NONE OF YOU, NO ONE ON THESE BOARDS, NO ONE….can make your spouse wake up, come home, become a better person. Some of you may say I know this. My response to you is….so what are YOU really doing for YOU.

IMO, doing the “work” is about facing YOUR FEARS. It is about, letting go of the notion that YOU can control everything. Doing the work…mean that you look inside. I will use my life, my journey as an example……

Some of you have read my journey, at least what was posted. I was an abused child. My mother was…well not the greatest. I was pretty messed up. At one point I become a drug addict. I was put away as a kid. I was homeless for a short period of time. I was broken. So…what does one do, HE CONTROLS. He controls how close he allows people to get. He manipulates his relationships, he keeps everyone at a distance. He carries around a ton of guilt. He lives in TOTAL FEAR and he USES CONTROL to manage that fear. He thinks….well if I am good H, or a good worker..that I can control the outcome of my job, my marriage. Now, I am not saying one should not be a good H, or a good employee. Nope. I am using this as an example of how sometime we control things. The control….keeps us from looking inside. Lemme give a few specific examples:

Specific to me….I tried to control everything. I’ve listed a few examples as reference for some of you.

I became super DAD. I did everything for my kids. My ex would leave at 5am and come home at 11pm. I did the laundry, cooked, cleaned, house work, a full time job, pick up and drop off the kids – pretty much a full time single parent. Although I do not regret it….i could have done things differently. Allow me to explain….. being as busy as I was with the kids, was in a small way, helpful in keeping me from looking inside. You see, I felt that I needed to protect them, I felt that I needed to control what they saw, what they heard, I wanted them to NOT have any pain from the divorce. I tried to CONTROL IT. ALL OF IT. Yes, some of you may say…it was for a good reason. My response to that is…was it? YOU really cannot control everything. The kids, will at some point FEEL this. They will feel the issue that are going on in the household. They will feel the stress of your spouse actions. YOU really cannot CONTROL it. You may think you can but all you are really doing is postponing it. Needless to say, I kept controling the sitch…take the kids here…make sure they did not see mom monster on me. The control prevent me from FACING MY FEARS. FEAR of what you may ask….

FEAR of….
Could someone like me really be a good parent, would the kids no longer love me, would the kids grow up to be F’ed up, fear of FEELING like maybe I was really a crappy dad, fear of what they would think of me? FEAR….that DEEP DEEP DOWN INSIDE…..I DID NOT BELIEVE IN ME! Yep…the deep issue that really needed to be deal with was ME. I did not believe in ME. I used everything else, the kids, my sitch, everything to HIDE from facing and learning about ME.

FEAR of….
Facing my role in the demise of the M. What did I do wrong? Why was all of this my fault or was it? Was I done? Why wasn’t I done? Why did ex wife have an OM? Was that my fault? To deal with some of these fears I controlled. I controlled how I felt. I did things, said things, did not do things….all for the sole purpose of getting my ex back. The bigger question was WHY? What was I afraid of? When I really started digging I did not like some of the answers that I found. I was fearful of: losing my house, change, change in my lifestyle, change in my income. Would I find someone? Could I find someone? Did I really love my w? What did love mean to me? Hell could someone like me even really love?

Finding the answers to these questions was painful. It required me to face every single one of these fears. It is no easy, fellow posters. Not easy at all. IMO, though….if you do not do it YOU will never really find your true self, your true happiness. When I started to dig, I realized – yes I did love my ex. Yes, I was capable of love, I also realized…..that I did not really KNOW how to LOVE MYSELF. That I based my own sense of SELF on what other thought, said, felt. That I had hid for a long, long time behind a viel of FEAR. When I finally learned how to love myself, learned how to ACCEPT EVERYTHING about myself….well then I was FREE. Free to choose for ME.

I have a seen a lot of poster post very similar questions ….

1) Should I leave the house? Should I leave the master bed room? My answer to these is this….WHY do YOU want to leave or stay? Are you staying because you are afraid? Afraid that you are not strong enough? YOU can! You are strong enough! You will survive this! Only though if you really look inside and UNDERSTAND why you feel the way you DO. It is only then, can you make choices that are NOT based in FEAR. It is only then that you can determine if you are done or not done.

2) Am I am done? I think I am done? I want to be done? MY answer – Define done. What does it really mean? Why does it even need a definition? Why put yourself in a box? Personally, I think it is our way of controling everything and as I have said….IMO, CONTROL is just a way for US to NOT have to FACE our FEARS. IMO, you can be done. You can change mind later. You actually do not even have to decide today, tomorrow….YOU can JUST LIVE. Live a happy life. Make a promise to YOURSELF that I CHOOSE happiness. Let go of the darn need to control everything. YOU CAN’t. Can you really control what your ex does? If you end up getting divorced – can you control what the judge says, his/her attny says – NO. YOU CANNOT. ACCEPT THIS! Instead of using the energy trying to figure out if you are done..use it to figure YOU out. Use it to understand yourself and accept your own fears. Use the energy to sit down and really figure out what you want and WHY? The star that you look for….the answer to all of YOUR questions is really inside of YOU.

3) Do I confront H or W about OM/OW? What do YOU really want to do? Better yet – why? What are you afraid of? Are you afraid they may leave? Are you afraid you will piss them off? Are you afraid they may file? Do you really think you can control it? FACE your FEAR! Why are you afriad? What is the root of the fear? Is it that you never really valued yourself? Is it that you are afriad if they leave how you will put food on the table? If so, is that who YOU really want to be? Dbing DOES NOT say you should be treated like crap. It is about health boundaries. Are you afriad to tell your spouse to stop texing OM/OW in front of you? Why? YOU matter! You are worthy of LOVE and RESPECT too. YOUR feeling do matter. Now I am not saying that you should confront today, tomorrow…what I am saying is UNDERSTAND why you are making the choice you are making. Cause if it is the result of FEAR – you have not address the real issue. FACE your fears.

I can go on and one with all sort of examples: The key point that I want to make to many of you is…..

Inside of you is a star! That star is your guiding light. Not me, not another poster. YOU. YOU are your guiding light. Ya just have to get past the fear. You just have to ACCEPT YOU, learn to LOVE you, Choose happiness over everything else. Find the issues and fears that you have and then slay them – one at a time. They may not go away today…but just knowing what they are EMPOWERS you to make choices that are TRUE to YOU. You are star! Every single answer to your question is inside you.

If you work on you – fully – if you totally commit YOU to YOURSELF, to healing YOUR core. You will be happy. You will have an inner peace and joy.

Stop looking at your spouse – focus on you and face your fears!

Life is a river…..it flows…it changes….. YOU can’t control it.
_________________________
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter".
"Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!"
"Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans

I Found this really helpful

[25yearsmlc]

Sandi2 you are correct on so many different levels

All I know is what I am doing right now is not working --

when you say "not working", you mean she's not recommitted to the marriage yet?

FYI even if you were doing exactly what she needed and wanted you to do, regardless of her words, I mean even if you were reading her mind and heart and doing it all, just perfectly, you'd still need to be doing it all for a LOT longer
before she buys into it.

Without sufficient time passage, I'd think nothing would appear to be "working" --- so please please adjust your timeline. Truly.
you may ask, but For how long?

Well, whatever you think you could handle in terms of time....plan on doing this for that long --

and now, multiply that by 10 for your goal timeline. Check my signature block - I was at this for a good 2 and a half years.

Don't be discouraged by that^^ comment. If you are GAL for real, then your life will improve and be so much better than it has been, you'll be happier and the time will pass faster than you may realize.


She has just been out clubbing the once so far and she asked a close male,friend to come along to keep the men away .. The chap that she asked to go with her and her friends is a close friend and we have both know him for many many years he is our children's god father and he and his wife are very happily married. She sees him as a brother and I do know this for sure.

With my actions I do not want to push her away or for her to go down the path way of selling our family hoe and buying 2 lesser properties

One of the things she told me that led to the breakup was Me not doing enough arround the house

For the record, I DO think you should keep doing things around the house b/c you were always supposed to help out, but you didn't before.

NOT helping isn't going to do anything positive, and I can imagine how negatively it'll be viewed by her. However, you're correct when you say that helping around the house has not made her change her mind about the marriage. (yet)

So my question for you is, were you helping out with the house you all share, ONLY b/c you wanted her to return to the marriage?

OR did you think it was something you wished you had been doing all long, and b/c it's the right thing to do?

Suggestion: Separate the things you are doing b/c they're overdue, from the things you are doing solely to get her back AND which you do not feel obligated to do as a partner and co-parent.

Then Keep doing what you should have been doing all along b/c it's the right adult thing to do, AND at least it takes that piece of her reasoning, off the table.

Alone, of course it won't fix your marriage but if you listen to the advice you are getting about becoming the man she fell in love with,GAL, along with helping out as you should, you have your best chance of saving this.

It's not a guarantee, but there never was a guarantee.

All we can help you do, is give you your best shot.



But,as I say things are not working right now


The marriage has not been saved yet, that's true. But that does not mean to stop doing what you want to do more of and what you should have done more of, before.

Make sense? This isn't over til YOU say it is. 9 years ago I told my sisters my m was over and when they asked if I was sure, I said "there is maybe 10% we can save this. I'm done" and I was originally the LBSer.

There is hope.




Will post again in the morning,need to really think what it is I need to be doing right now

Many thanks
Gary