Well, quick update as I am exhausted right now. For anyone here who does theater (especially musical theater), today was our first tech rehearsal. 1pm til almost 11pm of almost non stop singing. It's exhausting.
Anyway, W and I went to church W D2 and then the three of us went to lunch. With the way I've been feeling about filing D lately, I just took a chance at broaching the R subject during lunch today. I just asked W "have you given any thought to what has been going on?" She said that she's still confused about everything and that she thinks she rushed into our relationship after her first M. Doesn't think she ever had time to herself. The things I did (or rather didn't do) like not keeping up after the house, not cleaning the garage when she asked, not supporting her, etc are weighing on her and she explained to me why all of this impacts her so much.
I really do try to STFU, but for me, talking is my release. I just can't keep things in, it's a huge fault of mine, I know. Anyway, I did take the opportunity to tell her that I wouldn't accept an open marriage, and that OM is a huge roadblock to our recovery, and to my own recovery as well. That I would continue to improve myself despite what happens with us, and that while it will really hurt me, I will go ahead and file for D so she can be with OM if that's what she wants. But I won't sit around and be plan B. I talked about this being how I feel and she can't question my feelings any longer, and I feel that she's just keeping me around in case it doesn't work out with om. I won't accept that any longer.
She asked me what I've been working on in ic, and what changes I'm planning on making. I said I really couldn't answer that as I know I have a long way to go. But I did talk to her about how I never understood love languages and talked about how I mistakenly thought that buying her flowers and little gifts was something that would make her love me more. I realize now that she never really liked getting flowers, and the gifts she just saw as spending money on crap she didn't need. This was about all I said (enough I know, too much).
in the car, W cried some, which broke my heart. She did say I'm not a horrible person, reiterated about jumping into our relationship too quickly, and then talked about "option A" being that she stays with me and we work on things, and "option B" that she may just want to be alone. At this point, I couldn't stay silent and STFU anymore, so I said "I have to stop you there because either of those options I could live with, but the problem is you've chosen option C, which is to get involved with someone else, and that's not ok with me".
We got back to the house, and I had to leave for rehearsal, but she did say that she wants to take some time in the next week or two to keep talking, just the two of us.
I love my wife dearly, and would do anything to get this right. I'm not going to start talking about my changes with her. I want her to see them, and know my commitment. But the deal-breaker for me has always been the A. It's pretty obvious now that it's continuing, and I don't know where to go with that anymore. I've made it clear that I won't accept it. Now it's just how long I wait until I file D because of it.
Hopefully she will see the lighthouse through the fog soon.
