Heading toward affair- what to do?

[Clairee]

Every legal aid office is different. Where I am, I don't qualify to even talk to them because our income is too high. In other states, I've been able to get simple questions answered without too much trouble. Whether it's legal aid or an attorney, get some advice about your state laws & rights immediately. You have to look out for you & the kids. You need to know everything you can. Knowledge is power & that's half the battle.

If you're feeling anxiety at home, get out for a little while. Go for a walk, go to a park, go to the mall. Just remove yourself from the stress, it's amazing how just a few minutes of peace can do wonders for your mind.

[hopeOK]

Found out last night that he is selling a couple guns. I asked him why & he said- extra money in case we need it... Or in case I need it.

WTF. He paid for their one hotel night back when they were having the affair with money he got from selling things. Now what the heck am I suppose to think? One more thing to worry over.

[hopeOK]

Also, I happened to see an email where he signed up for an anti-spy wear for his phone. So I guess he thinks I am monitoring his whereabouts from his phone. Ha!

[Ontheup]

Don't mind read it will just drive you crazy.

Make a plan of what you need to do and stick to it.

[hopeOK]

He is gathering up more things to sell. I said- you are selling all that!? He said - "yeah" I asked why & he said in case he needs the money. I said what would you need that money for? He said- "just getting ready for whatever you are going to do." So apparently he is selling things to get money for a lawyer... That is how I am taking it.

So am I to be happy to have him scrambling or scared that he is getting ready for a fight? I guess really I should not be worried about what he is planning to do... But that is hard.

[hopeOK]

Don't mind read it will just drive you crazy.

Make a plan of what you need to do and stick to it.

Yeah, I know I shouldn't try to mind read. It's tough though!

My plan at this point is to talk to a lawyer, continue trying to get proof of an actual PA & then when we get back from vacation say that we have some major decisions to make.

I am worried though that having more Intel will make it harder to go on vacation. I really do not want to ruin that for my kids... I know he is actually the one making poor decisions but regardless, I want to shelter them a bit.

[Ontheup]

I thought you already had proof of a pa?

It makes little difference. Bottom line, he doesn't care and has no intention of working on the marriage. If he did he would be bending over backwards to work on it doing everything it takes to fix it. Basically years of hard work to win yiur trust back.

I can't advise regards the holiday only you know if you can hold it together. I had to live with my ex for nearly 2 months after I found out she was f@@cking someone else while she rubbed it in my face as I couldn't move into my rented accommodation. No doubt the lowest period of my life. Others have stuck around for a lot longer.
We all want to shelter our children. Bottom line you can live in an open marriage getting treated like a doormat and your kids will see this. Or you get ducks in a row, get support from your friends and family you lay down your boundaries with him and if he continues to disrespect you then you or him leave. Your kids will see this also and learn that you do not let people treat you like sh1t in life.
If he wants to restore the marriage he must be the one doing the hard work.
If he doesn't then let him go...why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?

[Matt777]

He is gathering up more things to sell. I said- you are selling all that!? He said - "yeah" I asked why & he said in case he needs the money. I said what would you need that money for? He said- "just getting ready for whatever you are going to do." So apparently he is selling things to get money for a lawyer... That is how I am taking it.

So am I to be happy to have him scrambling or scared that he is getting ready for a fight? I guess really I should not be worried about what he is planning to do... But that is hard.

I know that there's nothing funny about this, but I found it odd that you point out that he is getting ready for a fight by selling guns.

Just wanted to stop in and let you know that I'm still following your sitch and wishing you the best. But you're in good hands over here!

[hopeOK]

Weird unexpected conversation last night. He approached me for it. He started out by saying he was going to have to be on call every 3rd week & would have the on call phone. He said he won't be able to help getting texts & calls & such & that it is all work related. (I got the feeling that he was trying to reassure me that he wasn't talking to the OW via the on call phone which I find weird b/c I've never been suspicious of that phone, only his personal phone.)

Then he went on to talk about his fear that I was going to go clear out the bank account & that he had withdrawn $2000 in case he needed it for a lawyer. He then started to talk about setting up another account & just giving me cash for the things I needed to buy (groceries & such). He hasn't done this yet... so not sure if he really intends to follow this through. I told him I had no intention of clearing out the bank account (which I don't).

We went back through the event that sent us off the track of recovery. He is still really hurt by it & cried a couple times. I so tried to show empathy and use validating statements but I screwed up a few times, turning the conversation back to me and interrupting (ugh. when will I learn how to really listen!). That caused him to react pretty badly but with a lot of struggle on my part, I managed to get him back engaged in the conversation. I think we might have made a little progress on this topic where we have not ever been able to... he has always left the conversation about this event still hurt and angry, maybe even more than when he started! I apparently have not been sending the message that I am sorry for his pain and showing understand the place he is in about it.

The conversation also went to this OW. I reaffirmed my position that it is not ok for him to have any type of relationship w/ her besides a professional one (I even outlined what a professional one would look like & what it wouldn't look like so there would be no confusion). I told him that I knew he had been talking with her outside of a professional relationship & that it was incredibly disrespectful to me as his wife, to his children, and to his position at work. He admitted to knowing it was wrong to initiate talking to her but he felt justified (this I knew). He apologized for taking off his ring & said that he did it because he felt like I was just not getting the seriousness of what I said. (If what I said got out, it could affect him professionally as well as personally in regards to his kids.)

He also told me that he felt like if he kept me at an arms length, he could keep me in a spot where I was careful not to mess up & do the same kind of thing I did. And he said if he kept his distance, I also wouldn't hurt him as badly. But then he said he doesn't like living like this. He doesn't want a divorce, he wants the kids to have an intact home. But he doesn't know how to proceed with his lack of trust in regards to what I will carelessly say or do. (My defense for what I said to my sister about this was that I wasn't really thinking about the ramifications of if what I said got out.)

So... I have no idea where we are. I know he was being super nice this weekend, even cooked dinner. I think he was nervous about what I was planning to do when I told him I would be adjusting my actions accordingly. But he is not in place to just drop the wall and let his guard down. So lots of work there.

He also gave me a better excuse for where he went on Friday... but still not sure I buy it. I have a huge lack of trust for things he tells me in regards to potential cheating. So I guess I'm going to wait and see what he does to try to assure me that nothing is going on. I am not going to make demands at this point, I think that will come later when he is for sure showing signs that he wants our relationship to get better. At this point, I am not really sure what he wants. He is saying a bunch of mixed things, has a lot of anger towards me still, and has yet to make any changes like putting his wedding ring back on.

I guess I am glad that he initiated a relationship conversation, even if it was a rough one that was up & down and had no real conclusion of what we are going to do. I guess it is a start. I feel better about going on vacation & sitting back & seeing what happens. I know he has a lot to heal but I also have a lot to heal & need a lot of reassurances that he is not involved w/ the OW. We are very far from achieving this.

[hopeOK]

Every legal aid office is different. Where I am, I don't qualify to even talk to them because our income is too high. In other states, I've been able to get simple questions answered without too much trouble. Whether it's legal aid or an attorney, get some advice about your state laws & rights immediately. You have to look out for you & the kids. You need to know everything you can. Knowledge is power & that's half the battle.

If you're feeling anxiety at home, get out for a little while. Go for a walk, go to a park, go to the mall. Just remove yourself from the stress, it's amazing how just a few minutes of peace can do wonders for your mind.

Thanks for the info. I do plan to get an opinion about my legal rights. It will be better to know just in case we get to that point.

I thought you already had proof of a pa?

It makes little difference. Bottom line, he doesn't care and has no intention of working on the marriage. If he did he would be bending over backwards to work on it doing everything it takes to fix it. Basically years of hard work to win yiur trust back.

I can't advise regards the holiday only you know if you can hold it together. I had to live with my ex for nearly 2 months after I found out she was f@@cking someone else while she rubbed it in my face as I couldn't move into my rented accommodation. No doubt the lowest period of my life. Others have stuck around for a lot longer.
We all want to shelter our children. Bottom line you can live in an open marriage getting treated like a doormat and your kids will see this. Or you get ducks in a row, get support from your friends and family you lay down your boundaries with him and if he continues to disrespect you then you or him leave. Your kids will see this also and learn that you do not let people treat you like sh1t in life.
If he wants to restore the marriage he must be the one doing the hard work.
If he doesn't then let him go...why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?

I had proof of a PA back when I initially found out about the affair, in February. He ended contact in March & we did a lot of marriage counseling and I thought we were pretty smooth sailing for a good future together. Then I messed up by saying some pretty damaging things to my sister about him (he read it) & we've been downhill ever since. He reinitiated contact with the OW but I have yet to have any proof that it is anything other than chatting. When I questioned him about it last night, asking why he got back in contact with her, he said he needed someone to talk to. I said- and you couldn't find anyone else that would be more appropriate? He said he didn't want to talk to any of his other options. Ugh. Not a good response in my book.

I thank you for your feedback & sharing your experience. I think you are right that I do need to have my ducks in a row for any and every scenario!

He is gathering up more things to sell. I said- you are selling all that!? He said - "yeah" I asked why & he said in case he needs the money. I said what would you need that money for? He said- "just getting ready for whatever you are going to do." So apparently he is selling things to get money for a lawyer... That is how I am taking it.

So am I to be happy to have him scrambling or scared that he is getting ready for a fight? I guess really I should not be worried about what he is planning to do... But that is hard.

I know that there's nothing funny about this, but I found it odd that you point out that he is getting ready for a fight by selling guns.

Just wanted to stop in and let you know that I'm still following your sitch and wishing you the best. But you're in good hands over here!

Ha, Matt! Yeah, kind of ironic. He is a gun collector though so we have a lot of money tied up in that collection. I guess it is the most valuable unnecessary thing we have that can easily be turned into cash.

Thanks for your words of support. I hope all is going well for you.