I messed up. I wrote him. Explained that I was surprised and sad to learn he claims not to understand why this is happening. And that I wanted a D. I wrote him with nothing but facts and his words, actions to me, to explain why I finally quit fighting for our M and wanted him to sign - but no, this wasn't what I wanted, and I felt I fought like hell for my M up until that day in the cafe when he told me I subconsciously wanted to be treated that way and he was going to sleep around. That is begged him that day to consider counseling and he wasn't interested. I told him that despite his accusations of my cheating, there is no one. These were all things he's claimed to not know, understand, etc. and I hoped the letter was helpful in that regard.
His response was to say he disagreed, didn't trust me, it felt like legal posturing and it was pointless to discuss details and painful to hear from me.
I shouldn't have done it. Wish I hadn't. But it didn't stop me from responding that we were a no fault state, that none of this was legal or would be spoken if at our hearing, it was the truth between him and I. I broke down and admitted that I pushed him to finish it because I didn't want to play games after everything he did and I wanted to get out of purgatory, the days I hoped he delayed because he was considering what he was doing.
So. Let me recommend NC to all. I just opened up an almost healed wound.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
