"Moral, ethical, legal, and political discussions use the concept of dignity to express the idea that a being has an innate right to be valued, respected, and to receive ethical treatment."
Funny, I just for the heck of it typed "dignity" into Google...first thing that comes up is that. I can't thing of a better synopsis of what has been missing from my life than this.
Hello forum family! Very hot today. Spending the day inside with D2. She's about to nap. Might take advantage of that myself and nap awhile. I think I feel a cold/sinus thing coming on. Not good for opening week of my show.
Anyway, of course second guessing my planned course of action, but realized I have IC on Tuesday. Won't hurt to wait to talk to L for one more day.
W invited me to lunch tomorrow after church. She called to talk to D2 this morning and was in a good mood because she was coming from an early morning spa appointment. (Using gift cards "D2" got her for mothers day.
it's amazing how someone can be so cruel. I know everyone here excuses it by blaming it on Affair Fog, but let's call it what it is. It's cruelty. She knows exactly what she's doing, and she's willfully and intentionally doing it. This is why I'm ready to file.
Laying in bed feeling cruddy from a cold coming on. Can't put down the phone and just rest. Thinking through the logistics of all this. Telling W about filing D this week could be a nightmare as 90% of my belongings are still at her house. With work and my show opening, I'm not sure I'd be able to get things out. May have to delay two weeks. I know it sounds like I'm stalling, but I know her. When I tell her, she will turn immediately to control mode...get your stuff out now.
I think I will start slowly removing boxes that are already packed and get my clothes at least. This may trigger something in her to see I'm starting to think beyond normal day to day.
I feel for you on this new revelation of EA/PA. I have not had to deal with this and can't imagine the knife in the gut this probably brings with it.
I just want to challenge you on the seeming rush you have to file. If you look back just 10 days ago you wrote "I feel that there is true hope for R at some point."
Perhaps the EA/PA is the deal breaker, and if that's the case we'll all have your back on this decision. Having said that, I'm all for letting the dust settle before making a final decision, especially if you have other things going on for the next few weeks.
Maybe if you need to take some action to feel better, print the forms and fill them out, but sit on filing until you are in a more relaxed timeline?
Me:36 W:30 M:2.75 T:7 BD: 4/2015 ILYBNILWY: 5/2015 W Moved Out: 5/2015 W filed for D: 7/2015
I agree with Jedi - there's no need to rush into filing. It isn't a decision to be made in a rush of emotion. It's a decision to make calmly, slowly, soberly, knowing that you truly did all that you could to save your marriage. Then I think you can be at peace moving on.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
MWD mentioned in DR using the dissolution notification as a starring point. I cannot die the life of me eemeber the legal term for that here in Illinois, but I do remember she specifically mentioning it as an option just before the ultimatum section.
If you are ready AND you just think it is a $hitty couple of weeks coming up, maybe this is a good way to show your wife you are done with this and it will give you some time to get your ducks in an row.
Idk. I would not use this unless you were serious about actually filling, which it sounds like you are.
I haven’t been on the board much this week, so I’m sorry if it seems like a life-time ago that I checked in with you.
I think Jedi, Toots and Zephyr all make very good points.
I was looking back for something you recently posted that seemed to contradict your last post. Jedi found it:
"I feel that there is true hope for R at some point."
With all you have going on, may I suggest trying to take things one day at a time? Stay positive, buddy!
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Thanks all. The hope for R comment was before I found pretty hard evidence indicating the EA (PA?) is not over. It was a time when things were going well. This revelation changed me quite a lot.
W and I had a slightly deep R talk today. Of course, most of it centered on everything I do wrong, with no acceptance of responsibility on her part for the A. Sigh.
Anyway, looks like she wants to talk again soon. I'll fill in the details later. At rehearsal now.
Well, quick update as I am exhausted right now. For anyone here who does theater (especially musical theater), today was our first tech rehearsal. 1pm til almost 11pm of almost non stop singing. It's exhausting.
Anyway, W and I went to church W D2 and then the three of us went to lunch. With the way I've been feeling about filing D lately, I just took a chance at broaching the R subject during lunch today. I just asked W "have you given any thought to what has been going on?" She said that she's still confused about everything and that she thinks she rushed into our relationship after her first M. Doesn't think she ever had time to herself. The things I did (or rather didn't do) like not keeping up after the house, not cleaning the garage when she asked, not supporting her, etc are weighing on her and she explained to me why all of this impacts her so much.
I really do try to STFU, but for me, talking is my release. I just can't keep things in, it's a huge fault of mine, I know. Anyway, I did take the opportunity to tell her that I wouldn't accept an open marriage, and that OM is a huge roadblock to our recovery, and to my own recovery as well. That I would continue to improve myself despite what happens with us, and that while it will really hurt me, I will go ahead and file for D so she can be with OM if that's what she wants. But I won't sit around and be plan B. I talked about this being how I feel and she can't question my feelings any longer, and I feel that she's just keeping me around in case it doesn't work out with om. I won't accept that any longer.
She asked me what I've been working on in ic, and what changes I'm planning on making. I said I really couldn't answer that as I know I have a long way to go. But I did talk to her about how I never understood love languages and talked about how I mistakenly thought that buying her flowers and little gifts was something that would make her love me more. I realize now that she never really liked getting flowers, and the gifts she just saw as spending money on crap she didn't need. This was about all I said (enough I know, too much).
in the car, W cried some, which broke my heart. She did say I'm not a horrible person, reiterated about jumping into our relationship too quickly, and then talked about "option A" being that she stays with me and we work on things, and "option B" that she may just want to be alone. At this point, I couldn't stay silent and STFU anymore, so I said "I have to stop you there because either of those options I could live with, but the problem is you've chosen option C, which is to get involved with someone else, and that's not ok with me".
We got back to the house, and I had to leave for rehearsal, but she did say that she wants to take some time in the next week or two to keep talking, just the two of us.
I love my wife dearly, and would do anything to get this right. I'm not going to start talking about my changes with her. I want her to see them, and know my commitment. But the deal-breaker for me has always been the A. It's pretty obvious now that it's continuing, and I don't know where to go with that anymore. I've made it clear that I won't accept it. Now it's just how long I wait until I file D because of it.
Hopefully she will see the lighthouse through the fog soon.
