No danger in her finding anything. We are not living together anymore and have not done so since november 2014.
I did ALL the mistakes. And this is beyond repair. I became a shell of my self. A doormat. I lost confidence in my self and she lost respect and attraction. I made it way to easy for her to behave like she did. I was a romantic fool that did not understand where the love was gone. Truth is it had not been there for years. I was kept along for practical reasons and when I became to stressed and down because I did not understand what was going on I was pushed out. I say pushed out because that is what happened.
As I wrote I did all the mistakes. I continously tried to keep the R together and thereby loosing myself, my self respect, my manliness, her respect and her attraction to me. Sex did improve slightly during counseling, but when the counselor wanted me to open for my feelings I lost it. We were suppose to look at eachother and tell eachother that we loved one another. She could not say it because at that point she did not love me. And what happened. I fell apart emotionally as I could see it all slip away. And I cried like a little girl encouraged by the counsellor. I was up s... Creek emotionally. I had lost 15 pounds in a matter of weeks. I became unglued...
Up to that was a long period of her nagging, correcting and me gradually losing myself. She is a very rigid and stubborn person. I remember the christening of my firstborne. The ex is a declared atheist and said it was fine if I wanted her baptized. However she refused to stand up in church during the ceremony. She refused to that for me.
I do however love her with all my heart. She is the mother of my children. A good mom. We share a lot of values or shared. In the end all she wanted was freedom and to get away from me. The only good thing she could say about me in the counselling was that I was a good father and if it had not been for the kids she would have left long ago.
I should have done GAL long ago. But you dont do that with a wife on maternity leave, a son that is suffering from bronchitis and stomach problems and not sleeping more than 2 hours at a time the first year of his life, +full time job, the expectation that I should do at least the same amount of work in the house, take care of finances, mortgages, insurance (crappy house), gardening, car, kids etc.
You just dont do GAL. You suck it up and pass out on the couch once the kids are tucked in.
I know I am in victim mode but I am trying to justify some of my actions or lack thereoff. Once she started work again she started on reduced time. Working a lot of evenings and weekends. Needless to say when she was home a weekend I prioritized spending time together as a family.
I think you get the point. I was a family man but I totally lost my mojo. Became a worried shadow of myself only confirmed by the M-counselor.
She wanted freedom and started acting like a teenager. And I just thougt if I showed enough affection she would come around.
The ship has sailed and I am not on it. I want my family and life back but it is not going to happen. To top it off I am struggling with a depression which was probably already there during the relationship.
Still I am hoping she will discover the grass is not greener on the other side. Chances of that is slim to none.
Just writing all of this makes me depressed and I want to kick myself for being like that. Hindsight is a MF...
Best thing for me is to let her go. Done is done. I messed up. But I seriously do not feel it is right. It ended so fast for me. 10 years down the drain. All i did was love her.
If some of you in her believe in miracles I will hold on. She is the mother of my children and we did have a lot of good things together. We did love eachother once. I sure still love her and want to save the nuclear family...
