Divorce Busting My Wayward Wife

[Defacto]

Well....
-she says I never made her feel good enough for me.
-she says she never felt like a team financially.
-she says that I never supported her decisions.
-she says I stopped seeing her
-she says I never wanted to do fun stuff

These are only partially rooted in truth.

What I feel I contributed...I was very passive about sex, I didn't initiate it enough.
I was angry about our situation alot of the time and could be very judgemental.
I didnt make her feel special to me...although she was, I didn't show it as much as she needed.
I didnt take care of myself as well as i could have.
I was always concerned about money.
She was always afraid to talk to me about her concerns or worries.
I would freak out whenever there was an issue...not abusively but I would get upset.
I always gave her a hard time about her behavior. Tried to change her in a lot of ways. I just wouldnt let her be herself.

HJ,
This is a good start! Just try not to be defensive about your W's grievances. It doesn't matter that they may be partially true. This is her perception of you and your MR. And, until she feels differently, your sitch won't change for the better.

GAL and PMA are great tools to allow you the time to make changes in yourself. Without these changes, GAL, PMA, and LRT are just fruitless exercises. If your W is intrigued but sees the same old HurtJef, you are right back to square one.

You are off to a good start!

[HurtJef]

Thanks Def

She always tells me that I should have treated her better.
And I should have. I took her for granted and resented her for her parts in our problems. I regret alot of things as Im sure we all do on here.

Things needed to change....and boy did she ever wake me up.

I am trying to turn this all into a positive for ME.
It is very hard on this emotional rollercoaster, but I am not gonna give up on myself.

Jeff

[shotgun]

I don't know what is harder than suddenly losing physical and emotional contact with someone who has been there for many years. What has been very helpful to me is leaning hard on my siblings and reconnecting with old friends. Tonight I played music with my son and niece. My sisters sang. You could keep busy with your kids (camping, fishing, swimming....).

[Cadet]

Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.

[Cristy]

Hi Jeff,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

You are so right about this being a rollercoaster. I'm glad you are not giving up on yourself.

It would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Please call me to discuss our program at 303-444-7004.


Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[HurtJef]

Well...first night without the kids. Wife keeping them overnight at her new house.

The kids asked me to bring a couple of things over to them, and ww asked for the air mattress pump.

Went over and saw the place. Its small but there is enough room. I saw a couple of things there that im pretty sure dont belong to her or her roommate. There was some fitness stuff like a chinup bar and curl bar. It kinda bothered me but I know I am overanalyzing.

When I left....i cried in the car. The kids were excited as they should be but It just felt all wrong....my ww avoided me while the kids showed me around. All she could manage was a "have a good night" as i walked out the door.

I smiled and said thanks you too.

I got back and the house feels so empty. Making myself dinner and ginna watch some tv.

Kids called to say goodnight....they were crying. They will be fine. I just dont know if I will

Jeff

[Matt777]

Well....
-she says I never made her feel good enough for me.
-she says she never felt like a team financially.
-she says that I never supported her decisions.
-she says I stopped seeing her
-she says I never wanted to do fun stuff

These are only partially rooted in truth.

What I feel I contributed...I was very passive about sex, I didn't initiate it enough.
I was angry about our situation alot of the time and could be very judgemental.
I didnt make her feel special to me...although she was, I didn't show it as much as she needed.
I didnt take care of myself as well as i could have.
I was always concerned about money.
She was always afraid to talk to me about her concerns or worries.
I would freak out whenever there was an issue...not abusively but I would get upset.
I always gave her a hard time about her behavior. Tried to change her in a lot of ways. I just wouldnt let her be herself.

Just reading through all of this, and this line stood out to me. This isnt PARTIALLY truth. This is her perception, therefore it is her REALITY. It doesnt matter if you ACTUALLY did those things. If she believed that you did those things, then to her, you did them. So, think about how you may have come across to HER, even if you didnt intend it.

[HurtJef]

Yes Matt....thanks for telling me that. I reallize that Is her reallity.

Got alot of work to do to change myself for myself.
This has only just begun. Upward and onward

[HurtJef]

Thoughts:

Fell asleep rather easily last night. Surprisingly. It was nice to catch my breath and have time to myself.

Ww texted me today....well. How was your first night?
Response: just fine....all good

Ww: kids missed you really bad, have a good day, jeff lastname.

Me...you too

Side note....wife would always use my full name when she was emotional.
Not gonna read into it. Not a mindreader

Kids will be back tonight. Cant wait to see them.

The rest is in Gods hands

[HurtJef]

Journaling:

Yesterday evening was rough. When I got home, my kids told me that they were home alone all day with Sd15 again. Sd15 was upset because ww's niece was supposed to come sit with them and never showed up.

I texted ww and asked her what happened. She said that she picked up a shift at work and had no idea that said niece no showed. ( way to check on your children)

I got angry and texted that it is her responsibility to make sure the kids are taken care of when they are supposed to be with her.

She then told me that she was taking the kids for the weekend, I told her that according to our arrangement, this is my weekend and I had plans for the kids.
She got mad and spewed a bunch of names. I didnt react and told her that she could have the kids in the afternoon on saturday bc i had something to do for a couple of hours(ic). She said fine and wont be taking them sunday.

I felt bad bc i was pretty harsh with her but I keep telling myself that I am not a doormat and that boundries are very important.

Didnt hear from her the rest of the night.

She showed up today around 11:30 am with an older gentleman and took the rest of her furniture. I backslid and initiated a hug. I was really sad but tried not to show it. She held the hug for a good 10 seconds and i broke the contact but I know that it was pursuing and regret it. She left without saying goodbye.

She really has no interest in what i am doing or feeling. It is getting to me but I have read Sandis Ww list and understand this is normal.

I guess I need to just pick myself back up and keep trying my best to detatch.
Really struggling

Jeff