Hey 4, I wish you comfort, I can recall not that long ago the intense emotions that can be so overwhelming while the ground shakes around you.
Remember, baby steps. You can't change yourself overnight. And you don't want to, because there's a lot of great stuff inside of you. You have to do this one step at a time.
I really like the way you wrote out your fears and obstacles from becoming independent. I think that should be one of your primary targets. Independence. From there you can still choose to love him if he is willing to engage on terms you can live with. But right now you don't love him...you need him. It's not love if it's not your choice, and you haven't put yourself in a position to choose. So that's step one.
So take it slow. Start giving some thought to how you might start to combat some of those obstacles. Remember...SLOW. The DB forums are a good step. We can become your surrogate family or at least a strong support system. And if you spend a little time thinking through how to evolve some of that, the universe or God, take your pick, will provide. Maybe you make a new friend that is an inspiration to you and becomes a mentor and supporter. Maybe you discover a job you like that pays just a little more and still flexes for your children. Maybe you read some good books that help you sort through some of the baggage holding you back. But it takes time...what feels like forever...only 6 months or a year is nothing compared to the eternity that it will feel like if you don't take those steps.
It's like working out. You can't go to the gym and leave a rockstar. You will feel like you're not making progress because it's hard and you won't ever see daily change. But over a few months you will feel stronger. Small steps, baby steps, just don't overdo it and give up. Keep going and you'll get there.
Finally, I'll share one thing- new DBers focus an awful lot on their interactions with WAS. That's probably natural, and in line with what the book says to do for LRT. But what I can tell you is that everyone is pretty much a disaster for the first 3 months. Whether that is trying to control the situation through excessive DB, stewing over every exchange, melting down from the pain, having confrontations, or twisting and turning themselves into something they think WAS will want...my point is not telling you not to do this...you will, we all do. I'm just saying it's ok, and you'll get through this part. So my advice is not to worry too much about your progress for the first couple of months. Survival is the new success. Just keep taking small baby steps towards independence, and keep thinking about what that would look like, how great it would be, how wonderful if he could follow someday...and let it start to happen.
Take care 4.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
