Heading toward affair- what to do?

[hopeOK]

It is going to be another sleepless night.

[hopeOK]

Any advice?

[Sotto]

Hope, I'm sorry to hear about this. I think you were right not to reveal your source - never do that - and also just to tell your H you know he isn't being honest about this.

It sounds as though contact continues with OP. What is the bottom line for you if that is the case? And what does this mean for your upcoming trip?

I can't remember if it has already been posted on your thread, but there is a suggested response to continuing evasiveness, dishonesty, lack of transparency...

I can only presume by your continuing lack of transparency that you are in contact with OP still. Or want the option of being in contact. That does not work for me. I can not feel safe in a marriage where my husband wants to continue contact with OP. So, here's what I'm going to do......(confirm what you are going to do....)

I think it is a case of being clear about your boundary here. And clear about how you will respond to your boundary being breached. It almost doesn't matter how your H responds. He may come up with excuses, but I think you already know that something is amiss...

[Ontheup]

Hope

I'm a bit more cynical than many on these boards. I've read over your story and you seemed a pretty strong willed woman

My opinion , get all your ducks in a row, make sure you've taken legal advice,
If you still want to try and resolve the marriage then set out the boundaries you said in your earlier post. Break off all contact with ow, he must be completely transparent and do anything you require to restore trust and fix the marriage.
If he is not willing do even one little thing then you have your answer at which point I would dump his sorry ass and move out or get him to move out.
These self entitled dicks will keep you dancing for as long as you keep dancing. They love having their ego stroked....ohh how amazing am I ....2 women fighting over me. ...F@@k that , Just stop doing the dance and take your life back.

[hopeOK]

Thank you guys so much. I am really in a tight spot with the vacation coming up... I don't want to ruin that for the kids. I know what I need to do (as far as laying the boundaries) but man, this is hard to work out all the details. I will arrange to meet with a lawyer soon & get that part figured out. But the timing is what is difficult.

[hopeOK]

I told him all of the above basically & just said he needs to stop it or I will be adjusting my actions accordingly. His response was-

"Adjust your F&$@ng actions then."

Ugh. What to do. What to do. I guess lawyer is up next & then decide from there.

[Sotto]

Hope, if that was his reaction, I think you need to take necessary actions to protect yourself financially, legally and emotionally.

He isn't 'in' the marriage at this point from what you post.

[Ontheup]

hope

he has answered your question. Adjust your actions

He has no interest in the marriage.
Get legal advice sort your finances. Move on
If he wants back in then the hard work must come from him. He is the one who has left the marriage.
You did not ruin the holiday for the kids....he did.
These idiots will try and pass it off onto you, excuse after excuse. Its bullsh1t, do not buy one bit of it.


good luck

[hopeOK]

Well, he just got dressed & then said to me-

"I can handle a lot from you, but when you threaten me, I can't handle that. You've caused all of this."

I told him I was not threatening, I was just setting boundaries.

Then he left. Not sure where to... I am hoping he is not going to clear out the bank account... But not sure how to stop that now.

[Ontheup]

Hope

Not sure where you are in the world but I would seek legal advice asap.

Oh no dipsh1t wont like being threatened. None of them like being threatened because they're timid little creatures who scare easily!! Absolute boll0cks it means you are standing up for yourself and not allowing them to walk all over you and dictate the terms. its the same bullsh1t I've read a thousand times and been through. My ex tried to dictate my terms about me moving out. After a few weeks I thought "what the f'ck am I doing" and started to make my own decisions and im happier for it.

There are 2 scenarios.

A. He agrees to all of your terms begs forgiveness will do what ever it takes to save the marriage and is willing to put the years of hard work in to do that. e.g. he realises he's made a massive mistake

B. He continues to act like a self entitled d1ck blaming you for his affair( which they all do) and refuses to put in any work to fix it.

If option B you need to think of yourself and your kids and your future.

Its horrible and the hardest thing you will ever do but why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to completely be with you?

I'm sorry for your pain hope, I've been there and im still going through it now.
All I say is that there is light at the end of a very long dark tunnel and its called MEH.