Abuse

[Vanilla]

Hope thank you, your concern is a valid one. Abuse of any kind needs to stop, full stop. It's inappropriate whatever the circumstances. An abuser can take ownership and heal and atone for their own sake. Whether the target excepts that is entirely their choice. The target may also react back as in my own case and that too should stop and be atoned for.

Abusive behaviour is for me always inappropriate and in my own sitch by me, destructive as it allowed WH to justify his own actions. So ineffective too.

However abusers like my WH are systematic and deliberate, such abuse generally arises from a personality disorder. And not from temporarily disrupted behaviour. It's ingrained in the person and hard but not completely impossible to change. I may never know if WH was borderline (a old category where a person lies between category B and category C on the DSM. I will put a post together on this.

I actually don't believe in diagnosis I am of the new thinking on this that there are two elements to personality, 1. a strong behavioural element which is mutable and changes throughout life according to situation and 2. personality traits developed as a result of a combination of genetics and early environment, (later environment having a lesser role).

I am not sure I believe in labels of types either and unless there is a proper clinical diagnosis. Whenever I see a label either of the self or another, I can always ask was that a diagnosis? And generally it isn't, it's a self diagnosis or amateur diagnosis. Besides things change and sitches change, labels shouldn't be per enact but can be useful. Some types of personality disorder have a strong genetic component, my own Paradoxical ADD ( hyper focus or mild savant syndrome) is autistic and also genetic. Others are carefully nurtured personality traits. Both can be managed. Incidentally that was diagnosed in childhood because of dyspraxia (clumsiness) and dreamlike distraction (live in the real world not Vs world). It's a case of using the positives and some of this has great potential for good if managed.

There is enormous power and great goodness in being a managed abuser.

Behaviour is different, if someone believes they are abused even if they aren't that although irrational is a valid experience for them and to deny that is invalidating their view of the world. Of course there are those who deliberately outright lie ' I have been abused' for gain in a D or as a justification and I often suspect the reverse twist of abuse. Be careful who you point at as four fingers point back.

Targets of systematic abuse often can't accept it, they won't be the ones crying wolf, until a spell breaker incident. Mustardseeds spell breaker is above, we were also privilidge do to see Zeldas on the board and my own. Sometimes it's a series of steps before we break free. Systematic abusers quite often don't stop and when they do they move on to another target. Originally I saw the thread as helping targets of systematic abusers but it's more than that to me now it's about stopping abuse of all types and often that means bravery by both abusers and targets. I really believe we can only do that if we are open and honest about our sitches. In my own case I accept I was a reactive abuser and a target of systematic abuse. I can only manage myself and stop my behaviour whilst removing myself as a target. Nothing I can do will change WH, he has to want to do that for himself and have the tools to do it.

We can't love the abuse from an abuser although we can provide the environment in which loving change is possible if the abuser wants to change as I did. It will be a lifelong mission. It is far too easy to condemn and much harder to support.

I think it works (as I learned in Gamanon) according to the 12 steps with acceptance being the first step. In order for that to happen then there has to be awareness. Before awareness comes knowledge, before knowledge comes information. Then as in all behavioural change there has to be a toolkit for change. I can think about a resource kit for the thread. I think one of the issues is there is too much available and some of it needs filtering. Accepting that you are either an abuser or a target is very hard sometimes and many sites are damaging because they are 'bashing'. Whilst I believe you can't love the abuse away, there has to be toughness, I do believe that healing is possible and great personal growth from it. That will only come with connection and self responsibility for both target’s and abusers.

Using abuse as a label for other inappropriate behaviour isn't useful although if it starts us thinking about change I am not sure that matters. If we say my spouse/loved one/work colleague is accusing me of abuse, is it valid? Not really. Then why are they doing that? Do they truly believe that?
If the answer is yes then why do they? Should I tackle it? If so how?
If the answer is no then am I actually a target? Etc

Accusations, whether false or not are a stepping stone to awareness and acceptance, even if the label isn't valid.

Thank you for posting.

V