Heading toward affair- what to do?

[Sotto]

Hmm - tempting just to reply.....'You're welcome! '

Seriously though - I wouldn't bother replying to that one. I think he's just trying to bait you. And if he asks you can reply along similar lines to last night and reinforce the message. You don't feel like ML when says he isn't invested in your M..

As for the guns, I don't think it's pursuit to accept invitations. Just don't accept every one and don't overly enthuse when accepting. Hopefully your own life is busy enough with GAL that you aren't always available....you're a gal who is GAL for yourself right? If you do accept, don't overthink your response - just go with cool and casual...

[hopeOK]

Hmm - tempting just to reply.....'You're welcome! '

Seriously though - I wouldn't bother replying to that one. I think he's just trying to bait you. And if he asks you can reply along similar lines to last night and reinforce the message. You don't feel like ML when says he isn't invested in your M..

As for the guns, I don't think it's pursuit to accept invitations. Just don't accept every one and don't overly enthuse when accepting. Hopefully your own life is busy enough with GAL that you aren't always available....you're a gal who is GAL for yourself right? If you do accept, don't overthink your response - just go with cool and casual...

I was thinking of tonight following up on the email in person (I have decided to not respond to emails that have to do with our relationship but to discuss in person if he sends an email... He prefers to throw up on me via email & I have been baited into arguments that way. So no longer going to do that.). I was thinking of saying- I have to set up boundaries for myself so that I protect myself from hurt. And then maybe saying what Starsky suggested about the secrecy & lack of transparency he is showing indicates to me that either something is going on affair-wise or he that he wants to be able to do something if he so desires. So I have had to proceed with my decision making accordingly.

And on the shooting thing- he did not invite me. Just told me he is going w/ a co-worker (see what he did? Making it mysterious so I'll wonder if it is the OW or not... She is a co-worker). He offered to test out my gun while he was there. So thinking about what my response will be to that.

[Clairee]

Hi Hope. I've been reading your sitch, but hadn't posted to you yet. I agree with Toots, he's baiting you. That was a very passive-aggressive line about sex. I would ignore it. As for the gun range, I think I would say something along these lines...

I appreciate your offer to test my new sights, but since they are for me, I would like to be there. I have some plans already scheduled for next week, but if you will let me know when you plan to go, I will try to meet up with you to test them. If not, I'll test them later myself.

Hang in there. You'll get through this.

Tweets

[hopeOK]

Hi Hope. I've been reading your sitch, but hadn't posted to you yet. I agree with Toots, he's baiting you. That was a very passive-aggressive line about sex. I would ignore it. As for the gun range, I think I would say something along these lines...

I appreciate your offer to test my new sights, but since they are for me, I would like to be there. I have some plans already scheduled for next week, but if you will let me know when you plan to go, I will try to meet up with you to test them. If not, I'll test them later myself.

Hang in there. You'll get through this.

Tweets

Thanks for posting, Tweets. Yeah, I think he is baiting me. I don't know why he wants to keep getting into these fights with me other than he likes to make jabs at me to hurt me. I guess he is hurting & mad at me still & so he just keeps trying to make me feel that hurt/anger. Ugh.

[Starsky309]

Hmm - tempting just to reply.....'You're welcome! '

Seriously though - I wouldn't bother replying to that one. I think he's just trying to bait you. And if he asks you can reply along similar lines to last night and reinforce the message. You don't feel like ML when says he isn't invested in your M..

As for the guns, I don't think it's pursuit to accept invitations. Just don't accept every one and don't overly enthuse when accepting. Hopefully your own life is busy enough with GAL that you aren't always available....you're a gal who is GAL for yourself right? If you do accept, don't overthink your response - just go with cool and casual...

Agree on both of these ^^^, fwiw.


Starsky

[Starsky309]

Hi Hope. I've been reading your sitch, but hadn't posted to you yet. I agree with Toots, he's baiting you. That was a very passive-aggressive line about sex. I would ignore it. As for the gun range, I think I would say something along these lines...

I appreciate your offer to test my new sights, but since they are for me, I would like to be there. I have some plans already scheduled for next week, but if you will let me know when you plan to go, I will try to meet up with you to test them. If not, I'll test them later myself.

Hang in there. You'll get through this.

Tweets

POY-fect.

[hopeOK]

I think I am doing better than I have in a while... working on changing my perspective has helped. Getting over the worry of creating more problems by GAL is helping.

It is so crazy how much I have changed this year. I am a pretty confident person... I know I attract the opposite sex's attention (my H knows this as well & has been the topic of many jealous remarks on his part... often just teasing but definitely an indication of his low self-esteem). I am fit (I run), I take care of myself (I am a dress up kind of girl when I go anywhere... it is only on my all days at home with the kids do I stay in my pjs all day! ha!), and I feel really pretty confident about myself in that way. I also know I am smart (although I definitely have my areas that I struggle like memory!), I have a degree despite being a stay at home mom (although it is not a field that pays a lot of $$). HOWEVER, when I discovered the affair, I all of a sudden became this person who was deathly afraid of losing H (never had been that way before & actually at one point in our marriage I questioned to myself why I had married him... he has been very critical of me due to his own issues). I bent over backward to make changes in myself to be a better wife. I worried near constantly he was cheating on me again. I pursued him and sought out assurances (which we were suppose to do in healthy ways we learned in counseling). Now I find I am still confident in myself... I have no doubt I would eventually find someone who was right for me & would have fun dating around. BUT I still want to remain married. I still want that really great relationship w/ H that i thought we were working toward after his affair. I desperately want to keep the family together for the kids... this is by far my biggest hang up (if you would even call it that?). I know they are going to be so so heart broken... it is going to affect them in a huge way. H is very involved... he takes off work to go w/ me to dentist/doctor appointments, plays with the kids really well, he would actually love to be the stay at home parent! I feel such a huge guilt for marrying him in the first place (knowing what i knew about his past infidelity & ruined marriages) and bringing kids into the mess. HUGE guilt. If we didn't have kids I'd be running very fast in the opposite direction from him.

SO... really working to get back to me. Who I was before I started being so pathetic. But still worrying about the kids. I also homeschool (Train... if you're reading this, I've been reading your threads & discovered we are also similar in this way!) and I would want to continue (the kids want to continue too... I asked them the other day if they would want to go to public school & they both said no). The only way I can think to do this would be to move in with my parents. (ugh) If they would have us... then I could work on the weekends when H would have visits (if the courts ruled in my favor... I know he would fight to have as much time with them as he possibly could. We live in a no fault state so the infidelity will not make much difference). I would get child support and maybe alimony??? Not really sure on that... need to go talk to a lawyer. But it wouldn't' be enough for us to live on our own, I am sure. So I'd live with my parents for who knows how long?? All this is part of it is seriously weighing on my mind.

But otherwise, trying to focus on being pleasant, GAL, setting boundaries, and trying to turn the tables a bit on who is running this show. My hope is that on our vacation I can remain happy & carefree, having a good time focusing on the kids & leave H with only memories of pleasant interactions with me. Then when we get home, confronting him about his contact w/ the OW & setting the boundary that it is not acceptable to me, I will not live in an open marriage, and he has to decide if he wants to be a full time dad with the family intact or if he wants to give that up in order to maintain his relationship ("friendship" he will call it) w/ the OW. I'm thinking of giving him a timeline... like 2 hrs. He can decide after leaving for work & if he decides on the OW, the kids & I will pack up & head to my parents (better have a conversation w/ them first!) & then work w/ a lawyer to set up the separation. Ugh. This is my obsessiveness ... I think about all these "plans" nearly constantly.

Sometimes I can have the attitude of "I don't care" about something H has said or done & I can easily choose to not get worked up about his comment or whatever. But then sometimes something will catch me off guard & I'll feel a pang in my stomach. Like when I think about our time in May at a cabin for our 12th anniversary. I guess it's a pang of longing & regret.

[hopeOK]

GAL planned:

dinner w/ friend Monday
Gun range by myself (tuesday this week or next)
Movie at a park the Thursday H goes to range w/ co-worker

GAL in the works:

Volunteering for meals on wheels
Scuba class?? (still worrying over what to do on this... H did buy it for both of us to do together & acted hurt when I wanted to use it myself if we were not going to use it together)

GAL for after vacation (not sure if these will even pan out b/c if I leave, I'll be leaving the city I am in to go to my parent's house about 2 hrs away)

Volunteering at a pregnancy outreach closet
Working out at gym, taking classes as well
Joining music group & getting back into playing more often
Shooting at the range more often (ladies night is free!)

[hopeOK]

Well while listening to the recorder I have in H's car this evening (from today's recording), it is much too long. And he gets out of the car more often then he should.

It should be about 42 minutes long or so including a stop at the grocery store for me. Well instead it is 1 hour & 12 minutes & he gets out of the car one extra time. WTH. Do I say something like- did you go anywhere for lunch today or after work? Just as informational gathering? Or should I go further than that? I can't reveal my source of info... I could say I noticed that the mileage was a lot higher than yesterday. What do you guys think? Save it for the big confrontation?

[hopeOK]

Help!

Well... Didn't hold back. Asked him- where all did you go today? He looked a bit off. Then he said- ummmm... What is that store called? The grocery store? I told him the name. He said- yeah, I went there. I said, where else did you go. He was silent. For too long. I said- think fast, come up with something! You went to work... Where else? He finally came up with a restaurant. I asked him where that was... Turns out only 6 minutes away. I said- that is a lie. We can talk more about this when you are ready to tell the truth. Then I walked away.

He is sleeping in S6 room so I know he is avoiding any further conversation about it.

What in the world am I going to do now? I have no hardcore evidence, I just know he went somewhere & lied about where. Pretty damning but.... Nothing definite. Now we have this vacation coming up (which is paid for) & I've got to figure out if I stick with the plan from before when I knew they were just talking as friends or change it. I do not know how I am going to get any more hard core evidence... He has not been texting/emailing by text to talk on the car this week at all.