Husband A for one year

[Zues126]

4mykid...welcome to the boards. I am proud you are doing what you can to put yourself in a better situation.

I haven't read every post, just the first few and the last few. Not judging here, but that's a pretty screwed up relationship. Your man has some serious character issues. And you have accepted this as the best you can do both in terms of how you conduct yourself, and what you accept.

Here's the thing- for things to get better, you have to make them better for yourself first. Then you'll have to see if he can meet that standard. The hardest part about this situation is that if you do what you need to do to put yourself in a better place, it might mean he can't come along. That sounds horrifying, but the alternative is spending the rest of your life in this hell.

For example...on a letter grade scale you may have been a D wife. He sounds like an F husband. OK. That stinks. You crave a relationship with him that is an A relationship, or at least ranging between C some of the times and A once in a while. Here's the thing...for that to happen you have to make yourself an A woman, or at least a B with some A moments. BUT- and here's the big but- then HE will have to also step up and make some big changes.

Not marrying you. Cheating. Serial relationships and serial affairs. This won't add up to what you want.

You will have to become the woman capable of a mature relationship, and then...he will have to shape up or ship out. And while if you become a wonderful woman that loves him but one that also lays out boundaries and is prepared to walk if he doesn't make a true commitment that will be very tempting for him- if he doesn't have the discipline or character you will have to leave.

I know you feel you are in love with him, but there is a LOT of co-dependency and neediness in there. Clearly you are dependent on him or you wouldn't put up with this. You don't have to break this today, you just have to understand this so you can make a life plan with your head, not with your terror.

So right now you have a choice. Continue to focus on him, and try to 'win him back' so you don't have to face your insecurity of being alone...OR become the woman you always wanted to be, save yourself first, and then see if he's following you or not, all the while prepared to move on to a better chapter of your life if he's unable or unwilling, a chapter that will give you many many many years of mature relationships in the future.

I know this is hard, but you're still very young, and I wouldn't wish 40+ years in this situation on my worst enemy.

I'm proud of you taking bold action to improve yourself. Now my advice is to COMMIT to the second choice I just listed, make those changes for you, and don't worry so much about whether or not he likes it. I promise he will be as TERRIFIED as you if you start pulling your $hit together (like an alcoholic who's alcoholic buddy decides to quit drinking!), but you MUST take this step. He will follow if he can, but you must be strong no matter what.

Make any sense?