Heading toward affair- what to do?

[hopeOK]

I think I am doing better than I have in a while... working on changing my perspective has helped. Getting over the worry of creating more problems by GAL is helping.

It is so crazy how much I have changed this year. I am a pretty confident person... I know I attract the opposite sex's attention (my H knows this as well & has been the topic of many jealous remarks on his part... often just teasing but definitely an indication of his low self-esteem). I am fit (I run), I take care of myself (I am a dress up kind of girl when I go anywhere... it is only on my all days at home with the kids do I stay in my pjs all day! ha!), and I feel really pretty confident about myself in that way. I also know I am smart (although I definitely have my areas that I struggle like memory!), I have a degree despite being a stay at home mom (although it is not a field that pays a lot of $$). HOWEVER, when I discovered the affair, I all of a sudden became this person who was deathly afraid of losing H (never had been that way before & actually at one point in our marriage I questioned to myself why I had married him... he has been very critical of me due to his own issues). I bent over backward to make changes in myself to be a better wife. I worried near constantly he was cheating on me again. I pursued him and sought out assurances (which we were suppose to do in healthy ways we learned in counseling). Now I find I am still confident in myself... I have no doubt I would eventually find someone who was right for me & would have fun dating around. BUT I still want to remain married. I still want that really great relationship w/ H that i thought we were working toward after his affair. I desperately want to keep the family together for the kids... this is by far my biggest hang up (if you would even call it that?). I know they are going to be so so heart broken... it is going to affect them in a huge way. H is very involved... he takes off work to go w/ me to dentist/doctor appointments, plays with the kids really well, he would actually love to be the stay at home parent! I feel such a huge guilt for marrying him in the first place (knowing what i knew about his past infidelity & ruined marriages) and bringing kids into the mess. HUGE guilt. If we didn't have kids I'd be running very fast in the opposite direction from him.

SO... really working to get back to me. Who I was before I started being so pathetic. But still worrying about the kids. I also homeschool (Train... if you're reading this, I've been reading your threads & discovered we are also similar in this way!) and I would want to continue (the kids want to continue too... I asked them the other day if they would want to go to public school & they both said no). The only way I can think to do this would be to move in with my parents. (ugh) If they would have us... then I could work on the weekends when H would have visits (if the courts ruled in my favor... I know he would fight to have as much time with them as he possibly could. We live in a no fault state so the infidelity will not make much difference). I would get child support and maybe alimony??? Not really sure on that... need to go talk to a lawyer. But it wouldn't' be enough for us to live on our own, I am sure. So I'd live with my parents for who knows how long?? All this is part of it is seriously weighing on my mind.

But otherwise, trying to focus on being pleasant, GAL, setting boundaries, and trying to turn the tables a bit on who is running this show. My hope is that on our vacation I can remain happy & carefree, having a good time focusing on the kids & leave H with only memories of pleasant interactions with me. Then when we get home, confronting him about his contact w/ the OW & setting the boundary that it is not acceptable to me, I will not live in an open marriage, and he has to decide if he wants to be a full time dad with the family intact or if he wants to give that up in order to maintain his relationship ("friendship" he will call it) w/ the OW. I'm thinking of giving him a timeline... like 2 hrs. He can decide after leaving for work & if he decides on the OW, the kids & I will pack up & head to my parents (better have a conversation w/ them first!) & then work w/ a lawyer to set up the separation. Ugh. This is my obsessiveness ... I think about all these "plans" nearly constantly.

Sometimes I can have the attitude of "I don't care" about something H has said or done & I can easily choose to not get worked up about his comment or whatever. But then sometimes something will catch me off guard & I'll feel a pang in my stomach. Like when I think about our time in May at a cabin for our 12th anniversary. I guess it's a pang of longing & regret.