Can someone advise me please I am making changes that I want to be lasting but how do I know or how does she know that they will last ...I guess it is only with time
I realise my actions of helping more with the house chores have come too late right now she does not care what I do or do not do, I know if I took the attitude of doing little then she would be out the door.
Part of me thinks she feels she has to take this stance so that I never do go back to my old ways
I have told her that she does not need to worry aa my changes are for ever but she has to see it Little steps and taking each day as it comes never give up and keep working on myself
This is going to take some time, more than just a few months. You need to really think about that. You are going to get frustrated. you are going to get tired you are going to get fatigued. That is OK. If these things you are 'changing' are true character revisions, then it should be no problem to keep them up. It will show in the long run. Your wife will see them. If your 'changes' are not for your...well then, not so much.
One of the biggest things is to stop discussing your changes with your wife. If you want to point something out...just think in the back of your head, why am I asking (i'll give you a hint, it is because you are trying to force your wife to see that you are changed and that you are trying to illicit a response from her...that is, you are trying to control her - I will bet your wife is wicked smart and can tell when you are trying to do things for her benefit and not from a place of pure love). so before you do that...ask yourself..."do I want to be a controlling husband, because that is what I am about to do."
As you move forward, you can reiterate that question when you try to express yourself through any of your love languages. eventually you will find yourself only doing things out of love or because YOU want to...there is a difference and I will tell you, whomever receives that will know.
I will give you an example...when I started flailing around trying to figure a way to 'get my wife back, so things would be normal again' over 3 years ago...I started buying her flowers once a week. I kept doing it because I thought she would see them and see than I had changed (because I rarely ever bought her flowers over the years for dumb reasons), or that I really love her because I bought her flowers. she would see me standing there all opened eyed and antsy waiting for a response. there were times she feigned pleasure from them, others she would say oh thanks and just leave them on the counter, without putting them in water. I would get P.O'd that she didn't take my gift or she wasn't happy about them. I was only trying to control her actions with a gift.
that was a long time ago, and way before I found this site. Now I understand that I was doing that only to control my wife, only to try to force her to want me again. Guess what I was an idiot...but honestly I had no idea. I found this place years later and Now I get it, if the gift or act does not come from a place of genuine love...just DON'T DO IT. I buy her flowers now, but I bring them home and put them in the vase sometimes on my own...because I LIKE fresh flowers in the house, I really do...who would have guessed. I still say they are for her, and sometimes I let the kids give them to her to say 'thank you' for whatever. I am no longer tying an expected response to that gift or act...I want her to have them and want them in the house.
Sorry I tend to ramble, but think about 'WHY' you are doing things and it will become clear pretty fast what your wife already understands about being controlled.
I am glad you are here, you are in good hands with all of these fine folks.
