Walk away wife and my journey

[ATPeace]

First thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2586771#Post2586771

I think this quote from your post describes the problem in a nutshell.

The only time he wanted to be close to me with when he wanted something in the bedroom and I started to feel used I did not want to be just an Object for his needs

He did less and less with me and our children and he did not show them the love that he should have

Well three years ago I told him how unhappy I was and told him that if things did not get better then I would leave.

I got pregnant after getting back with him 3 years ago and sure enough he fell back into his old ways

Was this an unplanned pregnancy? Did you see the pregnancy as some kind of insurance to keep her from leaving?

So my wife seems to be disconnecting herself from me at an alarming rate

The disconnection was already there. Those talks she had about you not helping around the house or with the kids....that was her wanting to have connection! She wanted you involved in the family/home. Now she is done with it. Talk your head off.....it will only speed up a D. Housework will not bust a D. So, if it doesn't work, what do you do?

For me this is all quite new she only dropped the bomb 3 and a bit weeks ago but for her she says that she has been feeling lonley for a number of years I guess she has been working to this point for quite some time which perhaps makes this easier for her right now ....I do not know if this is the cause or not she does seem to be coping with this much better than I am

Yes, that is much of the way it is. She has already grieved over the loss of dreams in you as her H. She has already cried her tears and spent her lonely times. She has had her time of feeling the hurt caused by you. Now, she's ready for a different life. The two of you are in different time slots. You have been bombed and it woke you up. She feels she died a slow death and now is completely done. Just b/c you are finally awake.....does nothing for her. Can you understand? No matter how much you plead, cry, or promise....it will not wake her up. So what do you do?

You are already freaking out just thinking about her dating some day soon. How are you going to deal with it while living under the same roof? Yes, there are some advantages staying in the same house while S, but there are some definite disadvantages, too. Since you are in the same house, what is your plan in how to deal with the dating situation?

The hard, cold truth is that you need to become a different man from the way you are right now. Stop trying to change her mind. Stop fighting with her and trying to convince her to stay in the M. If you become the kind of man she finds attractive, you won't have to talk her into changing her mind. How can you make that happen?

She needs to see you as though for the first time. Maybe you need to see her with different eyes, too. Marrying young isn't so hard to do. It's decades later when you are trying to stay together that it gets hard.

So it has been 1 month since my W dropped the Bomb and the fact was she felt so lonely in our marriage for suite some time. The straw broke the cam melts back and she told me she had had enough. Acts of service and my love was what she was after and I was too pig headed to listen and be ther for her and fulfil her needs.

I have started to work on some personal goals listed in my previous thread

In response t sandi2 post I do not know how I am going to cope with the dating

My W and I have talked on numerous occasions and she has made things clear to me that she is not looking for anybody else she wants to be able to put her self first and not have to depend on anyone so dating right now is not a concern when and if it happens I a going to have to find a way to deal with it hopefully I would have learnt enough here and wit the help of councillors will find a way to cope.

Last night we chatted together for about an HR ...she was meant to work a night shift but she was not needed so she called me and said she was coming home when she got home we chatted together she knows me better than anyone I told her that some days I just feel so very lonley amnd she reminded me how lonely she felt whilst in our marriage I was able to validate I agreed and said I did those things I was selfish I never stopped loving you I just did not show it very well I did not turn it into a conversation about getting back or anything like that I just left it as that. I felt a little warmth from her, I have no expectations and I certainly will not see thisI as anything other than her being friendly

I felt I still managed to keep distance and I did not try to pull her in closer

I still believe from knowing my W that right now her mind is firmly set and the changes that I am making are for me to become a better father to our children and she is giving me the oppertunity of time living together for me to bond with our children the youngest being nearly 2

I know she does not believe that my changes are for real and that they will last she has heard it all too many times

I know now it is all about actions

Every morning I read the rules
Every morning I read my goals
Each day I try to change myself just a little bit to become a better person

Gary

[ATPeace]

I know the time that I have living in the same house has to be seen a a gift from her to me ....she could very easily just walk away ask to sell the house and move into a much smaller house in a rubbish area I know she is not money oriented so her remaining in the house and cohabiting right now I feel is a gift

My time management was rubbish and I di put work ahead of her needs and of my children's

I have already changed my working hours I have blocked off the morning before school so I am always arround for the breakfast

I have taken on more of the household chores I have no expections when I do this

I have started to do much more with the 2 Year old walks to the park playing with her bath time and bed time my wife is letting me do all this so we can have a better bond

I made time to go to My middle sons school leavers play and it was fantastic seeing his smile as he looked over to me

My eldest D has been away for the past 2 weeks but I have been imessaging her on a regular basis she seems happy

I am still spending time with My other son our bond is already there we are strong together

I have not had much time for me doing everything that I have been leaves me with very little time for myself .....it is school holidays from next week so I will hopefully be able to spend some more time with the children the odd day trip and start to find some time for me

I am losing weight easily I guess this is not really the way that I ever thought would be the deciding factor however it is most effective at channeling change if behaviour

Gary

[ATPeace]

Can someone advise me please I am making changes that I want to be lasting but how do I know or how does she know that they will last ...I guess it is only with time

I realise my actions of helping more with the house chores have come too late right now she does not care what I do or do not do, I know if I took the attitude of doing little then she would be out the door.

Part of me thinks she feels she has to take this stance so that I never do go back to my old ways

I have told her that she does not need to worry aa my changes are for ever but she has to see it
Little steps and taking each day as it comes never give up and keep working on myself

[shnswms]

You are making lasting changes for yourself, not for her. You have to remember that. If you are making them strictly for her, they will not last. This is a lifestyle change. If you make lasting changes, she will notice them I promise you...a lot more then your words. You have been given the gift of time. Make the most of it! You talk about "Acts of Service", but do you know what that really means to her?. I recommend you read "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman, if you haven't already. The premise behind "acts of service" is actions speak louder then words.

[ATPeace]

Thank you I will get that book ordered and read it

[ATPeace]

So I have a question
W and I are getting along better since the split because there range no rows and she has a totally different mindset

She feels that the reason things are so much better is because she no longer feels as lonley because she is in control of her needs and does not need to rely on me to be there for her

Now I accept this but I believe also it has to do with how we have been towards each other the past 3 to 4 weeks her whole experience has been turned on its head with my 180s and the fact that we are both getting along

Now each day that passes I believe she is working on the separation distancing herself from me as an example she will be going out clubbing with a recently separated friend on Saturday (she never goes clubbing) whilst I am at my sisters with all the children

Whilst I am trying to work on myself I guess for me this journey is about how we can find a way back together but I guess for that to happen she is going to have to want it to happen and right now I do not believe this is what she wants

How do I go day to day knowing we are looking for different things ?

[Zephyr]

Can someone advise me please I am making changes that I want to be lasting but how do I know or how does she know that they will last ...I guess it is only with time

I realise my actions of helping more with the house chores have come too late right now she does not care what I do or do not do, I know if I took the attitude of doing little then she would be out the door.

Part of me thinks she feels she has to take this stance so that I never do go back to my old ways

I have told her that she does not need to worry aa my changes are for ever but she has to see it
Little steps and taking each day as it comes never give up and keep working on myself

This is going to take some time, more than just a few months. You need to really think about that. You are going to get frustrated. you are going to get tired you are going to get fatigued. That is OK. If these things you are 'changing' are true character revisions, then it should be no problem to keep them up. It will show in the long run. Your wife will see them. If your 'changes' are not for your...well then, not so much.

One of the biggest things is to stop discussing your changes with your wife. If you want to point something out...just think in the back of your head, why am I asking (i'll give you a hint, it is because you are trying to force your wife to see that you are changed and that you are trying to illicit a response from her...that is, you are trying to control her - I will bet your wife is wicked smart and can tell when you are trying to do things for her benefit and not from a place of pure love). so before you do that...ask yourself..."do I want to be a controlling husband, because that is what I am about to do."

As you move forward, you can reiterate that question when you try to express yourself through any of your love languages. eventually you will find yourself only doing things out of love or because YOU want to...there is a difference and I will tell you, whomever receives that will know.

I will give you an example...when I started flailing around trying to figure a way to 'get my wife back, so things would be normal again' over 3 years ago...I started buying her flowers once a week. I kept doing it because I thought she would see them and see than I had changed (because I rarely ever bought her flowers over the years for dumb reasons), or that I really love her because I bought her flowers. she would see me standing there all opened eyed and antsy waiting for a response. there were times she feigned pleasure from them, others she would say oh thanks and just leave them on the counter, without putting them in water. I would get P.O'd that she didn't take my gift or she wasn't happy about them. I was only trying to control her actions with a gift.

that was a long time ago, and way before I found this site. Now I understand that I was doing that only to control my wife, only to try to force her to want me again. Guess what I was an idiot...but honestly I had no idea. I found this place years later and Now I get it, if the gift or act does not come from a place of genuine love...just DON'T DO IT. I buy her flowers now, but I bring them home and put them in the vase sometimes on my own...because I LIKE fresh flowers in the house, I really do...who would have guessed. I still say they are for her, and sometimes I let the kids give them to her to say 'thank you' for whatever. I am no longer tying an expected response to that gift or act...I want her to have them and want them in the house.

Sorry I tend to ramble, but think about 'WHY' you are doing things and it will become clear pretty fast what your wife already understands about being controlled.

I am glad you are here, you are in good hands with all of these fine folks.

[ATPeace]

Zephyr you sound like you are in a similar position to me living with your partner I do understand and perhaps I am trying to control things all I know is right now I feel I have little control of what happens next

I can only work on me but do not want to loose my wife does that sound needy enough ?

Thanks

Gary

[Zephyr]

Ghost, this is a process. you HAVE to focus on your side of it thought. You will learn that you have all the control you need, control over yourself and your happiness. You will find that you control how good of a father you can really be IF you do the work and become one. You will find that you have control over your career, your interactions with everyone around you (including your wife). Lastly you ultimately control how you move forward.

Are you clingy and needy right now. ya, I get that. you will feel anxious and needy and lonely, it will happen. you don't want to lose your wife...ok. she is past that RIGHT NOW. NOTHING YOU DO CAN CHANGE THAT - RIGHT NOW.

turning yourself into a better man, father and ultimately the better choice is what you need to work on. She may not chose you, and sometimes they don't, but you will be the better choice...and that you will be able to live with forever, knowing you did everything within your power to do.

It starts today. Saving yourself - transitioning into a better man starts with one foot forward. Go back to Cadet's homework list and read that [censored] again...then reread it. there is so much info in there that a once or twice through will not do it all justice.

[Matt777]

Gary -
The way I like to think about it is like this. Pretend you and your W are out for a walk and she's 2 steps ahead of you the whole way. You will spend the entirety of that walk pursuing her, right? What happens if you STOP WALKING? From her perspective, nothing, but from your perspective it lips like she's getting farther away. What we try to do as DBers, is to stop walking and wait for her to turn around. We don't want to walk the other way, we don't want to hide...we just want to stop walking. Then, if she's interested, she will turn around and walk TOWARDS us again.

But, there's no guarantee that she WILL turn around.


What is guaranteed is that if you let her get 7 steps away and then run after her, the cycle won't change, and she will just keep on walking.


Make sense?