Toots, that is funny, I will remind myself that I am the prize. And so are my kids, they don't deserve screaming and drunkenness in their home or being left alone while the parent who is supposed to be taking care of them goes out on a date with his gf. In a snowstorm. While I am at an emergency dr. appointment with my daughter. Hmmmm.....I guess I am angry about that one. I told my IC yesterday that I don't feel much anger and I am concerned that now that H is starting to check in more and I am feeling stronger that my anger will surface and that will scare H off. She said it might. So for now I have to manage my emotions. Which is better than having my emotions manage me. I never realized before how much that was the case.
But then again, I am not perfect and as much as I am committed to changing myself and restoring my marriage, the irony is that the more I change the more I realize that I didn't deserve this and this wasn't my fault and I was lovable and fine the way I was. So really I guess I am improving myself for myself, because either way I am coming out of this a different person and with a different marriage (or no marriage.) If I am going through all of this pain at least the one thing I can guarantee is that I will be a better person for it.
