Heading toward affair- what to do?

[zew]

I know it is inappropriate due to the fact that he had fallen in love with his woman while having an affair with her & he is not setting up healthy boundaries to keep another affair from happening.... and I am totally planning to state all this to him. But am I willing to leave if it is just them chatting? Am I willing to stay in the relationship w/ the suspicion over my head that it could turn into an all out affair at any point (& I may or may not find out about it).

But if you clearly state that this particular relationship makes you very uncomfortable, and he chooses to maintain that relationship in spite of your discomfort, you set yourself up for a lot of misery, and he establishes that he's an accident waiting to happen...

[Starsky309]

Correct. And you also need to remember that if YOU decide to let him go (leave) over HIM violating one of your core boundaries, then staying wouldn't have been an option anyway, kwim? I mean, if you really WON'T live in an open marriage, and he won't end the affair, and you draw that boundary and he crosses it, then staying in that kind of situation wasn't a viable option for you ANYWAY, right?

Your own integrity, happiness and health is more important to you than the marriage.

Now . . that doesn't make ANY of that any EASIER, but it does add CLARITY, I think.

Starsky

Okay, wrapping my head around this. I have had to reread it many times.

I think my dilemma now is if all my evidence gathering points to them maintaining a friendship rather than anything romantic. I know it is inappropriate due to the fact that he had fallen in love with his woman while having an affair with her & he is not setting up healthy boundaries to keep another affair from happening.... and I am totally planning to state all this to him. But am I willing to leave if it is just them chatting? Am I willing to stay in the relationship w/ the suspicion over my head that it could turn into an all out affair at any point (& I may or may not find out about it). I think the answer is to probably to leave... but why do I wish he would just all out have an affair to make it easier for me to make that decision?

Because "black" or "white" is always clearer than "gray."

I will say however that what they're doing is some pretty DARK, gray.


Starsky

[Starsky309]

I know it is inappropriate due to the fact that he had fallen in love with his woman while having an affair with her & he is not setting up healthy boundaries to keep another affair from happening.... and I am totally planning to state all this to him. But am I willing to leave if it is just them chatting? Am I willing to stay in the relationship w/ the suspicion over my head that it could turn into an all out affair at any point (& I may or may not find out about it).

But if you clearly state that this particular relationship makes you very uncomfortable, and he chooses to maintain that relationship in spite of your discomfort, you set yourself up for a lot of misery, and he establishes that he's an accident waiting to happen...

It's also setting a marital precedent for "My spouse feels VERY strongly about this, and yet I don't care and I'm going to continue to do this regardless of her wishes." That's a huge problem, IMHO -- at least it would be with me.

I'll tell you a personal story, as a way of example. My wife and I are LONG since reconciled since she had her affair back in 2007, and we put everything back together in 2007 - 2009. It never even comes up anymore, I maintain no ongoing intel on her (and haven't for years), and things are very good. An old college FEMALE friend of mine messaged me on FB, and was trying to meet when she came to Florida. Might've been totally innocent, might not have been. I responded to her that "Sounds like fun -- my wife and I would love to meet you for lunch or something!" and she even seemed okay with that. So again, probably nothing.

But I told my wife about it, as I'm always sensitive to mutual transparency with each other, and considering what we went through I'm always cautious of playing with any kind of fire. The fetching Mrs. Starsky said she'd feel better if I unfriended the person on FB.

I took all of five seconds to decide to do that, and to let her know that it'd been done. She said "thank you, I appreciate it." The old college friend probably thought me rude, but my relationship with my WIFE is more important to me. If something really bothers her, I'm going to be sensitive to that, and I wouldn't want to remain in a marriage where that wasn't the mutual case.


Starsky

[hopeOK]

I know it is inappropriate due to the fact that he had fallen in love with his woman while having an affair with her & he is not setting up healthy boundaries to keep another affair from happening.... and I am totally planning to state all this to him. But am I willing to leave if it is just them chatting? Am I willing to stay in the relationship w/ the suspicion over my head that it could turn into an all out affair at any point (& I may or may not find out about it).

But if you clearly state that this particular relationship makes you very uncomfortable, and he chooses to maintain that relationship in spite of your discomfort, you set yourself up for a lot of misery, and he establishes that he's an accident waiting to happen...

Yes. You are very right.

Because "black" or "white" is always clearer than "gray."

I will say however that what they're doing is some pretty DARK, gray.


Starsky

Ha! Yeah, you are right. I feel pathetic.

I know it is inappropriate due to the fact that he had fallen in love with his woman while having an affair with her & he is not setting up healthy boundaries to keep another affair from happening.... and I am totally planning to state all this to him. But am I willing to leave if it is just them chatting? Am I willing to stay in the relationship w/ the suspicion over my head that it could turn into an all out affair at any point (& I may or may not find out about it).

But if you clearly state that this particular relationship makes you very uncomfortable, and he chooses to maintain that relationship in spite of your discomfort, you set yourself up for a lot of misery, and he establishes that he's an accident waiting to happen...

It's also setting a marital precedent for "My spouse feels VERY strongly about this, and yet I don't care and I'm going to continue to do this regardless of her wishes." That's a huge problem, IMHO -- at least it would be with me.

I'll tell you a personal story, as a way of example. My wife and I are LONG since reconciled since she had her affair back in 2007, and we put everything back together in 2007 - 2009. It never even comes up anymore, I maintain no ongoing intel on her (and haven't for years), and things are very good. An old college FEMALE friend of mine messaged me on FB, and was trying to meet when she came to Florida. Might've been totally innocent, might not have been. I responded to her that "Sounds like fun -- my wife and I would love to meet you for lunch or something!" and she even seemed okay with that. So again, probably nothing.

But I told my wife about it, as I'm always sensitive to mutual transparency with each other, and considering what we went through I'm always cautious of playing with any kind of fire. The fetching Mrs. Starsky said she'd feel better if I unfriended the person on FB.

I took all of five seconds to decide to do that, and to let her know that it'd been done. She said "thank you, I appreciate it." The old college friend probably thought me rude, but my relationship with my WIFE is more important to me. If something really bothers her, I'm going to be sensitive to that, and I wouldn't want to remain in a marriage where that wasn't the mutual case.


Starsky

You are again, so right. When my H asked me (after having gotten so mad at me & stopped working on our marriage) why I thought it was ok to remain friends on fb w/ the guy who had flirted with me after having gone through that counseling, I immediately unfriended him. It was my mistake for not looking at that from his perspective & how that would make him feel uncomfortable but I quickly remedied it when he communicated that to me. You are right that no friendship is worth risking a marriage... at least not to me. I think he is in a different place though.

[hopeOK]

I had my individual counseling last night. She is on board with me having a conversation with him re his "friendship" but she thinks I should wait until after our vacation (that is in about 2 weeks). She thinks that the time together as a family might sway him (we'll be gone 16 days ). I think it could be difficult for me to remain happy friendly but probably easier on vacation then at home.

So with that in mind, I would like to set boundaries for his phone use. My counselor said to ask him to not be on his phone. I thought of saying something beforehand so it is already discussed rather than at the moment he is using his phone to much. Any suggestions on this? I thought maybe saying I'd appreciate it if we could stay off of our phones during the vacation as much as possible so that we can enjoy the kids and the experiences. THEN if he does get on his phone, maybe just getting up & taking the kids somewhere? Walking off on a hike or going to see something else away from him. In the car traveling & at night before bed would be the times when I cannot really get away from that.

[hopeOK]

H attempted to put the moves on last night. I told him no, although I would really like to do that w/ him, we should not do that if he is not wanting to work on the marriage. I asked- are you wanting to work on the marriage? He had trouble answering it seemed. Then he finally said "no". Disappointing but I guess I already knew that so it was not surprising.

[Sotto]

Hope, good for you, sticking to your guns. I just read your post on NH's thread in newcomers too. I get the fear - I'm sure most of us do...

I read a great little line recently, and can I find it to post to you?? It was about WAS's who talk to LBH's about 'waiting' for them - as my H did to me. Could I wait while he decided what he wanted to do? (and conducted an A?)

THe line went something like this....I have no intention of putting my life on hold, while you conduct a R with someone else. That doesn't work for me, and I'll be moving forward with my own life - with or without you. You're an adult and you'll decide what you want to do. I can only tell you what I'm going to do if this A continues..

It was something along those lines and it may have been Starsky who posted it - but I'm not sure. I said something similar to my H - but that line sounded so much better!

[Starsky309]

THe line went something like this....I have no intention of putting my life on hold, while you conduct a R with someone else. That doesn't work for me, and I'll be moving forward with my own life - with or without you. You're an adult and you'll decide what you want to do. I can only tell you what I'm going to do if this A continues..

It was something along those lines and it maI said somy have been Starsky who posted it - but I'm not sure.

I don't think it was me, but I sure like it!

[hopeOK]

Ugh. This is hard!

He emailed me this-

"Thanks for getting me straightened out on how sex at our house works nowadays. I won't be planning to participate."

He also texted me that he is planning to go to the gun range w/ a co-worker to shoot next week & could try out my new sights on my pistol if I wanted him to. My first thought was to say- that's ok, I'll just join you. Then I thought no, that is pursuing, right? Then I thought of saying- I'll meet you up there when you finish & you can take the kids & I can test out the sights myself. Then I thought... Hmmm... Maybe still pursuing? Maybe I should say- hope you have fun! I'll go up to the range sometime soon & test them myself. What do you guys think?? Working to go against my first instinct! 😁

[hopeOK]

Hope, good for you, sticking to your guns. I just read your post on NH's thread in newcomers too. I get the fear - I'm sure most of us do...

I read a great little line recently, and can I find it to post to you?? It was about WAS's who talk to LBH's about 'waiting' for them - as my H did to me. Could I wait while he decided what he wanted to do? (and conducted an A?)

THe line went something like this....I have no intention of putting my life on hold, while you conduct a R with someone else. That doesn't work for me, and I'll be moving forward with my own life - with or without you. You're an adult and you'll decide what you want to do. I can only tell you what I'm going to do if this A continues..

It was something along those lines and it may have been Starsky who posted it - but I'm not sure. I said something similar to my H - but that line sounded so much better!

Thank you for this. I don't know if he thinks I am just waiting on him? Or if he is just wanting to cake eat. But clearly he is not wanting any of the responsibilities of being a husband other than providing financially.