I think that was the most honest and revealing post you ever had.
Good on you.
Stop beating yourself up. When you catch yourself, think about your pets. Would you tell them how terrible they are when they fail? You can't train a dog by giving them the negative over and over. Positive reinforcement wins the day.
One thing I do with my daughter--she has Asperger's and suffers from heavy anxiety in social situations-- we make a commitment to just get in the building where the event is taking place. Just walk in the door. If that's all you can do, fine.
Next time, stay for 10 minutes. If that's all you can do, fine.
Next time, stay for 20 minutes and say "Hi" to one person. Etc...
Make sure to build something rewarding into the AFTER. Whatever nurtures you and rewards you. Do it after you TRY.
Simple positive reinforcement. Available at any dog training school ;-) The minute you engage with one other person, that dopamine will get triggered and you feel the high you get of dealing with something scary. That will help with the next time.
The process leads to progress. You can do it.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
