Reality is my middle name

[25yearsmlc]

It is in the hours before dawn and I lie awake feeling unworthy, less than a valuable person. It has been a year. I have survived and been logical and let's be real this is just a break up. I mean far worse things happen to far better people every day. I know this logically but emotionally I feel like I must have been horrible and I hide it from most people except my H. I made him unhappy somehow and his only escape was to run. I know it is irrational but I just can't stop these thoughts sometimes. Do others feel this way? How can I move past this phase of self loathing? I fear if I don't get through it then I will never be able to truly enjoy my life again. That is very frightening.

Gwen, your question is at the root of our biggest, deepest fears.

We find ourselves here in various situations, but at the core of it all is that --always nagging, sometimes crashing down upon us - question;

"if I'm such a good person, why doesn't he/she- love me enough to stay?" And Or

"they know me better than anyone, & they're rejecting me."

Implicit in these^^ questions is the underlying fear that it is we, not them, who are to blame and that all of this is a reflection not on our incompatibility as a couple or a mutual failure or anything at all about them, but that We are to blame, and no one else.

You know in your head that it's not rational to assume ALL the blame for this, yet at some level we think to ourselves, "it's mostly us".

How can you overcome this? Well, I can only tell you a few things that helped me, including this site.

I recall an experience that helped me in particular with this.

Long ago I attended a personal growth workshop that was excellent, (I attended this for reasons not having to do with my marriage, btw and it's called "Essential Experience" in Philadelphia, and it's life changing.)

ANYHOW

there, I came to know a young striking woman who was compassionate, beautiful, funny and incredibly warm. "Valerie" was her name.

Valerie was one of those people who are appealing to many. People naturally wanted to be near her and she was very well liked in our workshop. Her eyes had a glittery aspect *& she had a great smile; all I can say is she was magnetic.

Aand yet she was reeling, b/c her h had left her for OW. She was in acute pain. Finally, she broke down, & turned to ask everyone how we could say nice things about her when it was "obviously not true".

After all, if she was so wonderful, and such a great catch, why didn't he choose her? AND she blurted out "If he once loved me, I must have blown it for him to leave for OW."

Great questions. I've met others in the same boat. I think by seeing others being abandoned and knowing they are NOT the cause of all, or perhaps any of their situation, we face the possibility that it's NOT us...

but what to do?

Herein lies the dilemma. I think its good to learn that we messed something up in marriage,

that we have something to work on, that we did play a role in the demise or struggling ordeal of our m

b/c then we are not powerless...\

In the example of I cited above^^, I have to say that I believe her h blew it. Yes he broke her heart but he was a fool, and maybe he will never realize it. Maybe he will prefer the OW or maybe they'll fail and then he'll be on his own, perhaps never picking up the phone to call his ex wife/LBS.

And the question is, so what?

I mean what if we KNEW (b/c somehow the universe or God told us

it's been determined that you are a wonderful woman.

What changes?


Everything? Nothing? See, it's possible that you are NOT at fault, per se, and that you are a wonderful person who married someone less committed to the marriage.

It's possible that his "Data" about you isn't real; it's old or just inaccurate. Don't engage him.

I think that once we as LBSers do a genuine, thorough and brave internal review, we will have work to do to become our best selves
But to be fair, we will also need to see our intrinsic value, our unique positives and why our friends love us, and

usually the reality is that IF IF IF IT is really over, and IF we have become our best selves

then we must live our lives, "from this day forward", as best we can. And hold your head high b/c you know who you are and what you ant in

Believe in & hope for the best, prepare for the worst but expect far better...

and know always that you are loved, you are valuable and you are Not alone.

((( )))