Walk away wife and my journey

[ATPeace]

First thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2586771#Post2586771

I think this quote from your post describes the problem in a nutshell.

The only time he wanted to be close to me with when he wanted something in the bedroom and I started to feel used I did not want to be just an Object for his needs

He did less and less with me and our children and he did not show them the love that he should have

Well three years ago I told him how unhappy I was and told him that if things did not get better then I would leave.

I got pregnant after getting back with him 3 years ago and sure enough he fell back into his old ways

Was this an unplanned pregnancy? Did you see the pregnancy as some kind of insurance to keep her from leaving?

So my wife seems to be disconnecting herself from me at an alarming rate

The disconnection was already there. Those talks she had about you not helping around the house or with the kids....that was her wanting to have connection! She wanted you involved in the family/home. Now she is done with it. Talk your head off.....it will only speed up a D. Housework will not bust a D. So, if it doesn't work, what do you do?

For me this is all quite new she only dropped the bomb 3 and a bit weeks ago but for her she says that she has been feeling lonley for a number of years I guess she has been working to this point for quite some time which perhaps makes this easier for her right now ....I do not know if this is the cause or not she does seem to be coping with this much better than I am

Yes, that is much of the way it is. She has already grieved over the loss of dreams in you as her H. She has already cried her tears and spent her lonely times. She has had her time of feeling the hurt caused by you. Now, she's ready for a different life. The two of you are in different time slots. You have been bombed and it woke you up. She feels she died a slow death and now is completely done. Just b/c you are finally awake.....does nothing for her. Can you understand? No matter how much you plead, cry, or promise....it will not wake her up. So what do you do?

You are already freaking out just thinking about her dating some day soon. How are you going to deal with it while living under the same roof? Yes, there are some advantages staying in the same house while S, but there are some definite disadvantages, too. Since you are in the same house, what is your plan in how to deal with the dating situation?

The hard, cold truth is that you need to become a different man from the way you are right now. Stop trying to change her mind. Stop fighting with her and trying to convince her to stay in the M. If you become the kind of man she finds attractive, you won't have to talk her into changing her mind. How can you make that happen?

She needs to see you as though for the first time. Maybe you need to see her with different eyes, too. Marrying young isn't so hard to do. It's decades later when you are trying to stay together that it gets hard.

So it has been 1 month since my W dropped the Bomb and the fact was she felt so lonely in our marriage for suite some time. The straw broke the cam melts back and she told me she had had enough. Acts of service and my love was what she was after and I was too pig headed to listen and be ther for her and fulfil her needs.

I have started to work on some personal goals listed in my previous thread

In response t sandi2 post I do not know how I am going to cope with the dating

My W and I have talked on numerous occasions and she has made things clear to me that she is not looking for anybody else she wants to be able to put her self first and not have to depend on anyone so dating right now is not a concern when and if it happens I a going to have to find a way to deal with it hopefully I would have learnt enough here and wit the help of councillors will find a way to cope.

Last night we chatted together for about an HR ...she was meant to work a night shift but she was not needed so she called me and said she was coming home when she got home we chatted together she knows me better than anyone I told her that some days I just feel so very lonley amnd she reminded me how lonely she felt whilst in our marriage I was able to validate I agreed and said I did those things I was selfish I never stopped loving you I just did not show it very well I did not turn it into a conversation about getting back or anything like that I just left it as that. I felt a little warmth from her, I have no expectations and I certainly will not see thisI as anything other than her being friendly

I felt I still managed to keep distance and I did not try to pull her in closer

I still believe from knowing my W that right now her mind is firmly set and the changes that I am making are for me to become a better father to our children and she is giving me the oppertunity of time living together for me to bond with our children the youngest being nearly 2

I know she does not believe that my changes are for real and that they will last she has heard it all too many times

I know now it is all about actions

Every morning I read the rules
Every morning I read my goals
Each day I try to change myself just a little bit to become a better person

Gary