Been reading these boards for a couple of weeks now. My first post. My husband told me last fall 2014 that he loved me but wasn't in love with me anymore. I was devastated and determined to fix it. We started marriage counseling soon after and I made a lot of changes he however didn't. I was too critical in our marriage and not affectionate enough. He said he felt like he was in a loveless marriage. I have put forth a lot of effort to be be more affectionate and now not critical at all. All I try and show him is love. He says he has shut down and doesn't know how to get himself back. Our counselor told him he needed to make changes of his own and she couldn't do anymore for us as a couple until he decides what he wants. I caught him last year texting a coworker about normal day to day stuff but it was not the content but the number of texts that was alarming. He denies having an affair but does work with her everyday so I don't have a clue if there is more going on. He would not have a lot of time for an affair as I can account for most of his time (except those during his work hours). I don't have access to his new cell phone. He did loose a lot of weight last year and is more concerned about his looks. MLC?
He told me 3 weeks ago after I pushed him that he wants a divorce. I instigated a relationship talk that I now know I shouldn't have. He has made no effort in moving out or any other moves though which is good.
I tried backing off after reading DB and he did say he used to know what I was thinking and now he has no idea (said last weekend). Then he proceeded to want to talk about our relationship. I told him I loved him and I didn't force him to marry me and I won't force him to stay. I told him I felt the bible disagrees with divorce and I do too. I didn't say much else nor did he.
I'm still trying to be quiet but loving. Taking my 3 kids on vacation in 2 weeks and haven't told him about it yet. Should I tell him now or right before? Invite him along?
Where do I go from here? Sometimes I don't know how to act with him in normal situations. Do I make his dinner? Do I buy him new socks when he needs them? Do I attempt any affection since he said that was one of his issues with me? Do I go to bed at the same time as him ( we still share a bed)?
Any help is welcome.
Me 38 H 37 M 14 T 20 S10, S5, D2 BD: Fall 2014 Marriage Counseling soon after til January 2015 Husband says he wants divorce: 6/27/2015 Still living together and sharing a bed
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Welcome aboard Sadie. Cadet just dumped a lot of knowledge on you. A LOT.
Read it all numerous times and often. People often make mistakes or have questions and the vets on this board (brilliant folks) will direct you back to all that information.
Sorry you're here. We're all in this with you. And even though it's not a fun place to find yourself, you're surrounded by the creme of the crop of humanity! We're good people.
Big hug, PP
Last edited by PigPen; 07/16/1508:55 PM.
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Sorry that you find yourself here. As PP said, you are in great company with good people. Definitely sounds similar to my H and, yes, I think my H is MLC. That being said, my H has some very valid reasons to be unhappy in our M.
Can you tell us more about your M and any specifics that your H has given for why he thinks your M is loveless? We all have issues and behaviors we need to work on.
IMHO I would pull back on any of the things you would do as a spouse like you mentioned and instead focus on making changes to you. Your H has fired you as his W. I have not done any laundry, cooking or other things for H. Though he gladly seems to help himself to leftovers. What can you do! He needs to do those things on his own.
I hate to say it, but most of us on here have discovered there is an EA/PA, which is what makes it easier for them to leave. Have you started keeping an eye on your checking account? My H started making cash withdrawals so he can hide where he is going and what he is purchasing, working much later, late nights out, losing weight, etc. This has been the hardest part for me. One one the resource links you will what to get very familiar with is the detachment thread. It is probably the hardest to accomplish. I am still not very detached and I have been on here since mid-April. This is going to be a bit of a rollercoaster ride, so you need to start controlling your emotions and you can do that by detaching. Much easier said than done.
It also helps to post often so everyone gets familiar with what you have going on and can chime in. Again, some fantastic folks on here.
Last edited by BW05; 07/16/1509:50 PM.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
"I'm still trying to be quiet but loving. Taking my 3 kids on vacation in 2 weeks and haven't told him about it yet. Should I tell him now or right before? Invite him along?
Where do I go from here? Sometimes I don't know how to act with him in normal situations. Do I make his dinner? Do I buy him new socks when he needs them? Do I attempt any affection since he said that was one of his issues with me? Do I go to bed at the same time as him ( we still share a bed)?
Any help is welcome."
Hi SadieM,
First let me say how sorry I am for the situation you are in.
You have some excellent questions that require very careful consideration.
It would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Please call me to discuss our program at 303-444-7004.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
Last edited by Cristy; 07/16/1509:49 PM.
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He says it is loveless b/c I haven't been very affectionate and we have gone long stretches w/o intimacy or less intimacy. I have improved upon this but now he doesn't act like he wants me anymore.
I believe he has a connection if not a EA with the woman at work. She is his secretary so he sees her everyday. I don't have access to his phone or his phone records. They are in his name only. I haven't seen any cash withdrawals that are suspicious or large. He works late but always calls me from work before he leaves. She can't work late as she has to pick up her daughter from daycare before it closes at 6:00. I know they banter back and forth and he seems to know a lot about her. But even if he is having an affair does that change the way I should act? An affair would be hard to catch.
I will stop doing his laundry and just cook dinner for myself and kids since he gets home later. I have always done that for him so it will be tough but I will do it.
Should I invite him on vacation? Should I tell him about it now or later? Myself and the kids are leaving in 2 weeks for a weekend trip.
He is so distant with me. We both seem to be on guard. How do I know that these things (not cooking for him, not doing his laundry) are going to work better than what I've been doing? It's hard to be distant and not have it seem strained. Am I doing it right? I say so little to him.
He tells me I can have everything (in a divorce). He says he just wants to live in a one bedroom apt by himself and be depressed. Doesn't he sound like he has guilt? NO ONE in his family has gotten a divorce. Not his parents, no Aunts, Uncles, Grandparents, not even any of his cousins. His parents are very religious and a divorce would kill them. They would be so disappointed in him.
I'm just so unsure how to act around him. He does comment when the house is all clean and says thank you. I do all the laundry and cooking and he always says thank you and seems to really appreciate it. He works full time whereas I work part-time so I do more of the housework and I'm happy with that arrangement. Does that mean I should stop doing these things for him. It was of the deal when I dropped back to part-time that I would handle more of the household chores and the kids.
Me 38 H 37 M 14 T 20 S10, S5, D2 BD: fall 2015 Marriage Counseling soon after til January 2015 Husband says he wants a divorce: 6/27/15 Still living together and sharing a bed
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
If what you were doing before didn't work, why would keep doing it? I suggest memorizing Sandi's rules. That is how you should interact with your H.
As far as your vacation, I would tell him, but not invite him. Go enjoy the time for yourself and kids. Make him realize that this will be his new reality if you D.
BW
Last edited by BW05; 07/17/1502:11 PM.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
