In your opinion, is there ever an appropriate time to ask her about the A? I'm prepared for whatever the answer is...
Ask about the A as in "I need to talk to you .. is the A still active?"
In my opinion this should only be discussed when the WAS comes to the point that he/she is ready to commit to the M, no elephant in the room, no going through the motions. Coming to the LBS and saying "I want to work on the M and I will do what it takes to fix this" It is only at this point can you make sure the A is over and there is a NC in place with the OP....With hopes that they recognize the damage they did and own up to the A and prove to you they want you and the M and severe all ties with OP and the A.
Truth is ... there is no point in asking about the A as you are in that limbo spot right? 3 responses you would get at this point... 1.)She either tells you "yes I am still having an affair" ... which crushes you as you think you are so close to piecing. 2.)She says its over and has been ... but you have not and will not have any way of knowing as she isn't being open and transparent with you. 3.) She says its over but lies as its deep underground ... again .. no better off now than you have been.
My concern in your sitch ... you are allowing some cake ... I get your angle but I fear if you DB this half ass you are going to either live in denial about the A, have no closure ... if you do not address this ... what consequences have there been? Even if the A is over... is there a chance for OP2?
I get you own your faults in this .. but strike that 75% your fault thing .. you can only take on 1/2 .. thats 50%, the A was her 100% choice ... the issues in your M ... you get yours .. she takes hers.
Success! No text, no calls. I was able to get past the urge. I guess I need to go back to focusing on the basics...detach and STFU.
In 7 minutes it won't be my birthday anymore. Life can go back to normal...until the 23rd which is my 5 year W anniversary. Kind of freaking out on how to handle that day.
One day at a time...
Good job remaining strong and not TM her.
So the anniversary ... I went through 2 of them during this.
The first one (my memory [censored] and I never know if its the 16th or 17th) I dropped off S and she gave me 'that look' I ofcourse hug her and whisper "For what its worth Happy Anniversary" ... she hugs tight and says "Its not till tomorrow .. but thanks" I did have to laugh.
The second ... 15th Anniversary ... even though she was in the "Lets work on our M" mode ... I seen no point in celebrating a year of hurt and pain, how can you celebrate a marriage anniversary when one partner was active in an A for that year ... No gift, no card, no mention of it. She did bring it up but I shared how I felt and that was the end of the conversation. We did attend Retrouvaille 3 days later and it was there she acknowledged the hurt and pain and how wrong the A was.
Again ... you have to stand up for yourself a bit here and there, the WAS ... especially a WAW needs to learn to respect you.
My advice ... no card, no gift, no mention of it .. if she brings it up you can acknowledge it, if she doesn't you can still do your thing .. go out to a nice dinner alone and look back at the happy time you did have ... but do not pursue.
My Anniversary is on the 22nd. So I'll post here how well I do about not contacting the WW to inspire you to do the same.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
Thanks for the info Cali. I agree, especially after my emotional breakdown (privately) last night that I need to remain detached. DB principles work, and I need to be patient. Once anniversary is past next week, there isn't much until the holidays thankfully.
The past few days have just plain sucked emotionally. I suppose what is different now is that I'm keeping it all inside. PMA is nonexistent at this point, but I just close my door at work and spend time in my room at my parents.
No real contact with W right now other than mundane things by text...life related, not R related. I'm having a really tough time right now forum friends. I can't shake it no matter what I do.
I'm trying to be patient. The thought of the A is eating me up inside. It's the not knowing that is driving me nuts. I can't wait around forever until she decides to tell me about it, or let me know if she wants to work on us...
I was doing so well, and then I let myself fall for her again over the weekend. Now she's back in head. I can't get rid of this feeling. Hard to get through work and rehearsal everyday. I had IC today which usually helps, but it didn't do anything for me.
Sorry to hear you're struggling Ralphy. I know it's shitty advice, but lean into it. Really feel it. It's ok to feel like death. One of my IC's fav questions is, "what is the depression trying to tell you?" It's a hard one to answer but shifts your focus.
What is it trying to tell you? Can you learn anything from it? Can you draw any strength from the fact that so far you've survived this entire ordeal?
Here you are, still fighting, still living, still breathing. I know it's dark man. I know how much this hurts, we all do.
Some days are going to be much worse than others and you just have to breath, try to take things minute by minute and distract yourself. I've repeated the mantra "I love you, I'm sorry, Forgive me, Thank you' over and over and over and over and over again in my head and out loud when I needed my state changed. I've done it at 2am when I woke up in a panic, and I've done it driving.
Also and this is also no fun, you may need to cry. Just get it out. Don't let the emotions stay in your body and poison you. Just get it out. Ice cream seems to help me too.
Please know that my heart goes out to you Ralphy. For whatever it's worth. There's one other guy here in the US that knows you're in a spot you don't want to be and feels for you.
Hope you feel better soon.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Ralphy, this is tough man. I'm going through the same emotions. It's the hardest thing I've ever experienced in my life. Your not alone. Breath, spend time with family, do what ever you can to GAL. I know it is hard I'm still trying to GAL. Just keep trying. The days are getting easier. I'm still sad at times everday but the amount of time i'm sad is less and less. Soon i am sure it will be every other day, every other week, and so on.... I know u feel hopeless now but I am sure it will get better. Praying for you.
Me: 30's W: 30's M: 12yrs EA: Started 3/2015 MC Started: 4/2015 She moved out and served 6/2015 PA: Confirmed 10/5/2015 2 young kids
"If you do not stand for something you will fall for anything."
Thanks guys. I'm literally trying not to cry in Taco Bell right now. This [censored] so bad. Gonna inhale some tacos, pray I get through rehearsal tonight, and go "home" to sleep.
STRANGELY, I have no sleep issues. I think I'm so drained by the end of the day, my body looks forward to the emotional relief that only sleep seems to help these days.
I'm so glad you are all here to offer support during the crap times.
In a way, I see this as a lingering effect of part of what I need to change...that I depended on her for my happiness. The way I'm feeling is because I'm still internally giving her control of me. I'm in a way dependent on her for my unhappiness right now.
Easier said than done, but I need to get back to making ME responsible for ME and my feelings, not her. Only I can choose how to feel.
