Really Random Ramblings

[tadpole1025]

There is so much to respond to.

I get what you are saying.

Even you Wonka. I'm ok with tough love. And, I'm trying. I really am.

Heather, thank you.

I've been reading about Aspergers and even took a quiz. I don't have it....not even borderline.

Agoraphobia? Maybe. But, I don't really consider my issue to be fear. I just have no motivation.

Livenow mentioned Meetup. Yes, I actually joined about 2 years ago and have not gone to a single event. I get their emails all of the time and I usually don't read them or everything is way on the other side of town. But....I got an email today about a happy hour going on tomorrow that is right down the street. I'm going to try. God, I'm going to try. I'm not even sure what to do....just show up?

I hope I can.

It is now my weekend.

My schedule at work is changing next week and because of that, I have a four-day weekend. I'm actually off six of the next seven days. I'm off 4 days, then work 1, then am off the next 2. Last night was actually my first day off. So, this is how the next seven days look for me. Last night was day 1.

Day 1: Nothing

Day 2: Nothing yet

Day 3: Hopefully Happy Hour if I can gather the courage. I hope I can.

Day 4: Son has a show. I will be there.

Day 5: Work

Day 6:

Day 7:

I need to do more. Would going to a movie be good even if it isn't socializing? I thought about going to see one today, but haven't got around to it. Probably won't. But I may try and walk down to the pool late tonight.

This is all kind of amazing to me that I'm even struggling with this. There was a point when I was on the radio, that I would have no problems at all starting conversations, keeping conversations going and being the life of the party. I've been in front of thousands of people. I've spoken on stage in front of 60,000 people on more than one occasion and at one event, it was nearly 100,000. It was a regular part of my job. I thought nothing of it. I just did it....and got better at it every time I did it. I actually enjoyed it. The amount of energy you get from a crowd that big is incredible. Now....I can hardly make it outside to do anything.

I'm really going to try to make the Happy Hour tomorrow. It may be a small step, but it seems like a pretty big one for me. I NEED to do it.

Heather, yes my job situation is finally where it needs to be. Matter of fact, I love it and am doing well. I enjoy it a lot. I was approached by 2 supervisors last week about a possible promotion. If I get it, instead of being responsible for 300-500 tv stations, I'd be in charge of about 3,000. That would mean yet another raise. Yes, life is really good in the job department. No complaints.

The issue is my social life. Or, lack of one.

My favorite band is KISS. I've been listening/following them since I was about 10 years old. I was 7 when they started and listened to them while growing up. I idolize them. Gene Simmons (The Demon) and Paul Stanley (The Star) are my heroes. Growing up, I wanted to be them. Well, Paul Stanley recently wrote his autobiography titled: "Face The Music: A Life Exposed." I wanted to read it for the history and road stories. Surprisingly, I found that I can relate to him. He talks about being shy growing up, the difference between his character on stage and his personal life just like me and the "character" I played on the radio. He talks about driving to a night club, but not having the courage to get out. (I've done that quite a few times recently.) It's like I'm reading about me. Even the part where he mentions he would have no social life at all while his band mates were all out having fun. He was at home. Alone. That's me. I can hardly put the book down.

For all we know, he could have a developmental disability, a history of sexual or physical abuse, some childhood trauma which is stopping him from interacting with others.

I had none of those. (As far as I know.) The only issue I had growing up was the fact that we moved a lot. My stepdad was in the military and we were always moving. Phoenix to Monterey, Monterey to Phoenix, Phoenix to Germany, Germany to Monterey....over and over and over. Plus, there was my mom and dad always fighting over custody. Then my grandmother who lived in Phoenix who I really wanted to stay with but was always taken away from because of the moving.

Tad, I really hope you can dig deep and really put yourself outside in the big beautiful world.

I really want to Wonka. Really. God, I can't believe this is even an issue with me.

I remember joking with buddies when I was married like a lot of guys do..."Man, if I was single, I'd do this and that......" Not so easy. Not for me anyways.

I'll stop for now.

Hope I can make it to happy hour tomorrow. I need to.

Tad