we haven't been alone not even once and idk if she will open up or say something either good or bad, but I just want her to open up to me, even though she is not that type of person. no expectations but at least I want her to have the chance.'[/color]
You think if shes alone with you there she will open up and give you some insight into her thinking, that is an expectation. If she comes and nothing happens you would be disappointed. You wont be able to force these moments and hope something happens, it will only lead to you being disappointed. Even when they do happen all you think think about is maybe this is it, maybe something will happen now. You have to be patient and let them come up naturally and see them for what they are only if something does happen.
Ill give you a painful example. The first month of my sitch when I was a complete wreck I was reading about how these things resolve and imagining/fantasizing about her telling me she wanted to be with me again. One thing I remember was an emergency with children can sometimes create a bond with the parents and make them see what they will be leaving behind.
I was alone with my S2 and eating walnuts, he started to have an allergic reaction to them. Hes never had them before and we didn't know he had a nut allergy. I watched his face swell and I thought I might lose him, I was crying and barely holding myself together but managed to get the ambulance there to get him to the hospital.
On the way to the hospital after he was in a more stable condition I realized W was panicking and on her way there. I started to wonder if this would do something to snap her back to me. I sat in the ER room with her for 4 hours watching her text and giggle at her phone with those f'ing shark eyes. I knew she was texting OM but thought he was just a really good friend, the kind who picked up my slack when I failed her. She knew I was jealous and we had R talk toward the end. She didn't want to talk to me and didn't love me anymore. Basically told me the only reason she was even going to the second MC session a few days later was so I didn't kill myself. She even threw OM in my face "yeah, me and OM talk quite a bit actually now" in the most hurtful/sarcastic way possible. Expectations, they will F you hard.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
