You might have related to my sitch as .. like you I had/have many of the same traits you descibed. Like you .. I applied more pressure .. if what I did was not working I would just try harder .. MWD said this word for word in her book hence how I really bought into this process.
So ... Bootcamp time for you ... for starters.
The "Fix-it" angle ... if I have learned anything, my W did not come to me with problems she needed fixed, she is smart and well equipped to handle these issues, what she wanted was the one person in her corner .. her H to STFU and LISTEN, be that shoulder ... by fixing you feel you solved it, but what you really did was send a message on how inept you feel your W is and that you must handle everything (I know that's not what you felt .. but its how THEY feel)
Detach ... tricky ... not sure how much of my War and Peace novel you have read, I often struggled here, but you have to atleast get to a place when you make these changes that come about to become better ... the W will test you, temp check .. even purposely push buttons to get a rise out of you ... you need to keep in mind to be Indifferent, nothing bugs ya .. you are Clint Freaking Eastwood now... own that for a bit.
The A ... well this is the bad part of the sandwich we get served for our share of letting the M deteriorate to this level. Does not justify what they did ... like mine .. yours opted the "exit affair" route ... the OM and A were the eject lever for her to escape the cruddy M she felt she was trapped in. You have to alllow this to run its course .. it may take a bit of time. Nothing you can control here .. just let it be and focus on that mirror for now.
Lastly ... Some do not mention this but time. This is going to take a lot of time ... post more we will learn more .. the vets here are dang near psychic with this stuff ... when you think things are turning for the better and decide to improvise like a good actor ... you get a full dose of how naieve you are .. stick to the process, stay on board with the vets and LISTEN to them ... you can not fix this the way you think, if what they suggest feels opposite of how you feel ... most likely its spot freaking on.
